Chicken Soup for the Cynical Soul

Chris Christie To The Environment: ‘Screw You’

2011-06-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

Despite countless public pronouncements claiming he has ‘no intentions’ of running for president, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made a move that some consider to be that of a man looking to burnish his presidential bona fides and online backup.

Chris Christie has a reputation of being a straight-shooter and claims to be the “anti-politician” with his blunt talk. But Chris Christie might as well have been Mitt Romney when he decided to abandon the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative – a 10-state program to limit greenhouse gases from power plants.

Running for governor in 2009, Chris Christie pledged to become “New Jersey’s No. 1 clean-energy advocate,” which one can only conclude was a more hollow promise than his ‘non-politician’ pledge to lower property taxes.

Is this guy Mitt Romney in a fat suit?

As governor, Christie cut all the money for the Office of Climate and Energy. Having even greater ambitions to compete with his one time buddy George W. Bush on destroying environmental safeguards and resume writer, he then proceeded to take $158 million from the clean energy fund, meant for alternative energy investments, and spent it on website builder. He also withdrew the state from an important lawsuit against electric utilities to reduce emissions, according to The New York Times.

Although those acts demonstrate a glaring disconnect between Campaign Christie and Governor Christie, New Jersey’s decider put the final nail in the Eco-friendly coffin when he abandoned the 10-state initiative in the Northeast. The Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative is a far-reaching program that uses a cap-and-trade system to lower carbon-dioxide emissions from power plants. The program has been wildly successful and actually garnered bi-partisan support in Congress. But as with education and transportation, Christie knows best.

In pulling out of the initiative, Christie has acquiesced to the Tea Party’s complete and utter hatred of policies that resemble cap-and-trade and, in doing so, has shown he isn’t the independent-minded politician he claims to be.

It seems the system works by requiring utilities to either lower their emissions or buy allowances to pollute. Money from the allowances goes to states for clean-energy programs. Since its inception in 2008, it has created more than $700 million for these programs; New Jersey has spent some of its share on helping cities become more energy-efficient. Greenhouse emissions from power plants in the region went down about 12 percent from 2008 to 2010 for many reasons, including lower natural gas prices. Programs like the regional initiative are estimated to have produced more than 10 percent of that decline, according to The New York Times.

Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley (D), a man who’s no stranger to quarreling with Chris Christie, slammed Christie on his decision, saying in a statement, “I am disappointed in Governor Christie’s decision to withdraw from RGGI, and I reject his assertion that the initiative is ineffective in reducing greenhouse gases.”

“RGGI represents an important multi-state effort to address climate change at a time when consensus eludes Congress. … Governor Christie is simply wrong when he claims that these efforts are a failure.”

Christie may have fallen in line with the right-wing’s position on cap-and-trade nationally, but many states are preparing for a cap-and-trade program. So while the loss of New Jersey does deal a severe blow to the program, it most certainly isn’t on its deathbed.

The latest act in Christie’s “Do as I say, not as I do” governing style makes him a perfect match for today’s GOP and, better still, the missing piece to the GOP’s puzzle for the 2012 presidential race.

Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

2010-11-23T11:44:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank the birds who bravely accommodated themselves to the fattening of our equator-like American waistbands, to commemorate how the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions synergized the esprit de corps of vertical food distribution.

Now joyously give thanks by prodigiously shoving a bird shoved up another bird's ass into your gullets!! But not too much that you’re too lackadaisical to trample over some unsuspecting American outside a Walmart, all in the spirit of furthering our international debt on the latest state of the art (soon to be obsolete) piece of cheap, imported crap!

Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

RNC forced to remove West Virginia Ad

2010-10-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

The NRSC has been forced to pull an ad from the airwaves and Internets featuring a few hicks at a local diner talking about the Senate race in West Virginia. That the people behind the ad shot the ad in a local diner in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is most shocking. I mean, not being able to find hicks in West Virginia is like not being able to find queer bashers in Texas.

Here’s a breakdown of the casting call:

In brief, it is a sad day in America when today's GOP can't even feign being disingenuous. So very, very tragic indeed.

Wardrobe:

- We are going for a ‘Hicky’ Blue Collar look. These characters are from West Virginia so think coal miner/trucker looks

- Each character should bring a several options and stay away from all black or all white or thin stripes (thicker stripes and plaid are good)

- Clothing Suggestions:

• Jeans

• Work boots

• Flannel shirt

• Denim shirt

• Dickie’s type jacket with t-shirt underneath

• Down filled vest

• John Deer hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)

• Trucker hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)

• No Thin Stripes

Obviously only them fancy east coast elites can afford dem fancy-schmancy thin stripes. Moreover, whenever I see someone don thin stripes I instantly think he has a phd in Proustian studies. but the criterion (IE, flannel shirt and denim jeans) gives the impression that they are seeking out lesbians, no?

Gallagher hates gays as much as he does writing material

2010-10-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so perhaps you're quietly ruminating to yourself: "why on earth is Michael writing about Gallagher?" "Is he still even alive and has he ever learned that only Marcel Marceau can dress like Marcel Marceau?"

(The one on the left doesn't talk yet manages to be more tolerable and funny)

Well, upon realizing that this ass hat is still mastering the brilliant comedic nuances of smashing watermelons and making millions doing--while Carlin, Hicks, and Giraldo are sadly dead-- made me take a second look at this taint in a beret.

According to the Seattle-based blog, Gallagher Is a Paranoid, Right-Wing, Watermelon-Smashing Maniac.

Brace yourselves folks for some hard-hitting, incisive and comedic genius that makes the wry and sardonic satirical stylings of Steven Colbert look like Larry the Cable guy:

You have your hat backward," Gallagher sneers at a twentysomething man in the front row. "Are you a homosexual? Because it seems you have a problem figuring out the front from the back."

It gets even more scintillating...

Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say—you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!"

The only logical conclusion behind such sub-moronic bigotry is that in all of those years smashing watermelons, he must have bounced that sledge hammer against his head a couple million times.

click here for original post.

Disposed Domino's Employee Torches Dominos

2010-09-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you are probably wondering what exactly it takes to push a peddler of a hot garbage wheels over the edge. Is it the powder blue uniform? Is it poisoning the lazy and idle American citizenry with enough additives and artificial ingredients that make Twinkies look like Vegan cupcakes? Is it having to believe that a hot garbage wheel of cheese is pizza? Or, for the more politically and socially conscious Dominos Employees--as there are simply so many--the fact that the owner and CEO of Dominos will gladly take homosexual and lesbian's money and yet be firmly anti-gay and even give money to anti-gay groups?

Well, it is not single on of those scenarios.

Jamal Thomas, 24, was fired from Domino's earlier this year after getting into a fight outside the store where he worked in the Bronx. It wasn't the fight that got him fired, however. Rather, it was the fact that he left the store unlocked while employees were inside counting money, which is a "violation" of Domino's "security protocol."

Typically getting fired from Dominos causes one to suddenly take to the streets and dance and sing in a gleeful frenzy, but not this disgruntled Dominoer (word?). It is painfully obvious that such an action calls for setting a string of your former employers' franchises on fire and not taking legal action.

According to the FDNY:

Thomas decided to enact an elaborate, and maybe not particularly logical revenge. First, he began dressing up in his old uniform and visiting other stores, saying he was from a "secret Domino's unit that measured employee satisfaction." (Yes, Dominoes cares about voter satisfaction like Republicans care about the middle class) Then, he broke into two different Bronx locations—on August 22 and September 5—and set fires using "easily combustible items" like pizza boxes.

Um, "secret Domino's unit"? He makes it sound like there is a covert paramilitary group running armed with cinnastix.

On the plus side, by virtue of torching the restaurants Thomas actually made the crust crispy.

Glenn Beck launches his own news site

2010-09-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Crying, deranged loon and Chalkboard enthusiast Glenn Beck did some thinking--in his own unique way-and came to the conclusion that Fox News just simply isn't "Fair and Balanced" enough for him to lead his lizard people on million moron marches, so he launched a ~~propaganda~~ news network of his very own. The site, named The Blaze since apparently RavingParanoidNews.com and the Wackington Post were already taken, which evidently was put together in just two month and is being edited by Scott Baker, a former employee of equally insane douche Andrew Breitbart.

We want this to be a place where you can find breaking news, original reporting, insightful opinions and engaging videos about the stories that matter most,” Beck added. “The Blaze will be about current news — and more. It’s not just politics and policy. It’s looking for insight wherever we find it. We’ll examine our culture, deal with matters of faith and family, and we won’t be afraid of a history lesson.”-Glenn Beck

In other wards, the site will serve as an aggregate for modern-day Shakespeare Sarah Palin's incoherent tweets and Facebook updates as well as the occasional video clip of teabaggers screaming with a Pat Boone song playing in the background.

What does it mean to be Cynical

2010-08-24T21:11:00.001-07:00

Your Mama is a Grizzly, but these women say 'NO'

2010-08-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

Refudiatin' Modern-Day Skakespeare Sarah Palin decided that she is more than just a rabid pitbull in drag, she's also a Grizzly.

Indeed, she is a self-proclaimed "Mama Grizzly" who desires to "protect [her] cubs" from EVIL things like David Letterman, bloggers, liberals and lamestream media. That is all fine and well, but it seems as though not all Mama Grizzlies agree with the head Mama.

A new ad recently surfaced from the pro-choice PAC Emily's list that takes Palin's ridiculous meme and uses it against her. Terrifying though it may be, it seems that not all mothers agree with Palin and think that everything she says and does is perfectly in line with the modern American mother.

Sheryl Crow is one big Green jackass

2010-08-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

The eco-friendly toilet paper zealot and sometimes singer Sheryl Crow is so deeply concerned about not upsetting ~~Al Gore~~ Mother Earth that she's completely alienating her concert promoters.

According to Crow’s rider, her tour party travels between gigs in two 45-foot buses (presumably bio-diesel), while her equipment is packed into two tractor-trailers. Indeed, the surefire way to eliminating a a major environmental footprint and combating global warming is hauling two gigantic tractor trailers across the great American landscape.

It seems that all "she wanna do" is have 100% recycled toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, reusable plates for catered food, and if there are disposable dishes on hand, they must be biodegradable. She wants all regular light bulbs exchanged for green ones, all food to be organic and everything—including the water—should be local.

A more sensible solution might be to commute from gig to gig on bike, but then that wouldn't be any fun for all of her devoted handlers.

Newt Gingrinch wants to tell you that he’s a Jack Ass.

2010-08-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

Newt Gingrich was recently the target of a new Esquire piece in which his second wife (I lost track a while ago) spoke candidly about their 2000 divorce.

It seems that Gingrich finally admitted (everybody already knew) that he was having affair on his second wife amid going after evil chubby chaser President Bill Clinton’s penis during the impeachment hearings. Of course he was “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” while simultaneously touting the Republican party as the party of “family values”.

Here is a snippet of the interview with Marianne Gingrich. It seems Newt wanting her to accept her womanly role and tolerate his cheating:

He wanted to talk in person, he said.

“I said, ‘No, we need to talk now.’ “

He went quiet.

“There’s somebody else, isn’t there?”

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a

Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. ” ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ “

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

Apparently the car metaphor was apt when you consider how many times Newt has traded in for newer models.

Next time you catch Newt in a crashed up coup de ville you’ll know why.

First Lady living it up in Spain

2010-08-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Channeling her inner Sarah Palin,
First Lady Michelle Obama decided to play Sex in the City in Spain during a five day sojourn with Sasha and 40 of her closest friends

Obviously the best way to fight obesity in America is buying sleeveless (of course) dresses. Thus begging the question: why does Michelle Obama's arms hate America?

Many are criticizing the first lady for taking such a lavish trip amid a terrible recession and when she and the president lecture America on frugality. The bulk of the cost to taxpayers– $230,000 so far–for the first lady's vacation is for her security detail and the plane that flew her, her daughter and her 40 closest friends (all presumably with toned arms).

[The taxpayer] will definitely be footing the bill for the First Lady’s 68-strong security detail, her personal staff – and the use of presidential jet Air Force Two….The American public will also cover the cost of the only official part of the holiday, a visit to the Spanish royal family on the island of Majorca.

It looks like Fatty Fatterson Jr. will just have to eat a box of wheat thins until First Lady ~~Marie Antoinette~~ Michelle Obama returns.

Senator Vitter calls Rachel Maddow a dude

2010-07-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Diaper boy Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), the Republican Senator of Louisiana who made headlines a while back for his hot diaper sex fetish, who just can't seem to keep catch a break, is finding himself in more doo doo (good thing for the diaper) after jostling on a radio show about how Rachel Maddow looks like a dude based upon her High School yearbook photo.

Okay, so perhaps her choice in eyeglasses make her look like Harry Potter or a mathemagician at a dorky kid's B-day party. But MSNBC is fairly certain that Rachel Maddow, much like her liberal counterpart Keith Olbermann, is a lady.

Here's the word-for-word transcript from David Vitter's appearance on the morning radio show:

MALE HOST: I wonder if Senator Vitter is ever going to post, like, maybe the video of the first time he was on the floor of the Senate. If I have to show the way I looked the first time I was on TV, you should do that too.

VITTER: We should go further back than that, how about high school yearbook?

MALE HOST: Oh yeah.

VITTER: De La Salle marching band.

MALE HOST: That'd be cool. Well you know, with Rachel Maddow they had that picture of her...

FEMALE HOST: Looking like a woman.

MALE HOST: Yeah it was really bizarre.

VITTER: [LAUGHS]: Must have been a long time ago.

ALL THREE: [HEAVY LAUGHTER]

What better way to resurrect a fledgling re-election campaign by mocking your enemy's high school year book photo. I imagine the voters of Louisiana are much more concerned about a lesbian liberal commentator's high school features than their economic livelihoods following the BP rig disaster.

Naturally, the Vitter campaign went into damage control, which is really the only type of control when you're working for David Vitter.

Here's the apology letter released by the Vitter Campaign:

Dear Rachel,

Regarding my remark during a radio conversation today, I apologize.
The hosts made their comment and I obviously chimed in. While we do not usually agree on the issues, I do not think you deserved that comment.

Sincerely,
David

One can only assume that David realized that Rachel is a woman and can potentially let him defecate in a diaper at a mutually agreed upon price.

Mel Gibson's Passion of the N-Word

2010-07-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Occasional actor/director and full-time cartoonish lunatic Mel Gibson officially ended any chances of bringing us Passion of the Christ 2 after a philippic tirade was caught on audio tape, which includes such Hallmark gems as wishing that Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of his infant daughter, be "raped by a pack of niggers" as well as screaming about her wearing "tight pants so you can see your fucking pussy."

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first ."

Oh Mel, every angry ex has been there before. But it's widely known that the arson/blow job invitation almost always should precede the irrational string of violent calumnies and racial slurs. That's not to say that Mel Gibson isn't the only person in Hollywood to use the N word, there are many known studio executives, directors, producers, actors who use the word willy-nilly. And we certainly cannot leave out all of those refined rappers. But I'm fairly certain that none of these individuals have solidified their rants with the arson/blow job invitation. That's just tacky and in poor taste.

Mad Mel's horrendous rant certainly displays a massive amount of rage and aggression, but considering that this was supposedly a private ~~conversation~~ harangue I hardly see why the world should be spared another misplaced Buddy Film. It seems that Talent Agency WME just dropped Mel over his liberal usage of the N-word. Nevermind the steady stream of feminist rhetoric he so eloquently shared with Oksana, as rich white guilt Hollywood Liberals would rather feign sensitivity and concern for race over misogyny.

The only good thing that can come from this is the hope that The NY Times runs this story and imagining its stuffy, uptight editors quibble ad nauseam over the proper usage of the word pussy.

Harry Reid's son ashamed of his own last name

2010-06-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

Senate majority Leader Harry Reid’s son, Rory--who looks like a dehydrated version of his father–is running for Governor in Nevada, only he doesn’t want anyone to know his last name. So apparently disgusted with his biological association with his daddy that he failed to include his last name in this ridiculous political ad, which is the first of many “Just call me Rory” ads.

Click link below for rest of story.

Harry Reid's son ashamed of his own last name

The fallout of General McChrystal’s Screw Up.

2010-06-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

After unloading a steady stream of obscenities that would make Abbie Hoffman blush, the fallout of General Stanley McChrystal’s in depth interview in Rolling Stone Magazine (they’re famed for their knowledge of military brass) is echoing beyond the Pentagon and the White House. The brash General hasn’t much sang-froid and lacks the effete savior-faire that is a major part of the Obama Admin (his favorite movie is Talladega Night), but his vituperative words for the president with respects to the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan was very revealing.

Click link for more.

The fallout of General McChrystal’s Screw Up.

Facebook Growth has come to a halt.

2010-06-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

From the unscrupulous kid who helped replace Myspace, which replaced Friend Finder, which replaced texting, which replaced email, which replaced talking with your mouth,Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg has acknowledged that the social network’s rapid growth has finally slowed. It seems that Zuckerberg was paying nearly as much attention to rival social network Twitter than invading Facebook users’ privacy. In fact, Zuckerberg was reportedly more threatened by Twitter than talking to members of the opposite sex.

For rest of story, click link below
Facebook Growth has come to a halt.

World Cup Sexy Fans

2010-06-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

The whole world is boiling over with World Cup fever, but not so much the part that involves the a bunch of hairy dudes kicking around a white rounded leather balls. Sure, petty nationalism and random reminders that BP is still the root of all evil as long as Cheney is resting in his man safe deep beneath the earth's surface still hold significance. But in a sexually depraved, wardrobe malfunction oriented society where prurience and barely claded underage girls are the primary focus of our empty lives, it's always ladies nite at the world cup.

Obviously the harder the nipples of fans, the better the Argentinian soccer team plays.

I believe Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel wears these shorts at the Bundestag

So are really experiencing salacious soccer fandom or some cheap, sinister viral marketing campaign?

It seems that the row of blond bombshells shown above was actually a form of marketing known as "ambush marketing" by a Dutch Brewery. In fact, Fifa is considering legal action against the Dutch brewery it accuses of using women fans to advertise its beer at the World Cup.

"What seems to have happened is that there was a clear ambush marketing activity by a Dutch brewery company," said Fifa spokesman Nicholas Maingot.

My best guess is that Mr. Maingot has never actually watched a beer commercial or seen one of the gazillion of off-air advertisements before in his life. Based upon what the majority of viewers see, my understanding is that the actors in beer commercials and/or advertisements typically don't feature female Literature majors in pants suits discussing the decline of deconstructionism on college campuses. In other wards, the objectification of women in beer ads is about as mundane as the exploitation of children in commercials. It's as firmly ingrained in our psyche as the Five-Dollar Foot Long Bacon or White-Castle scented candles. So is legal action really necessary, MR. Buzz McKillington?

The sad life of Jon Edwards.

2010-06-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

The sad life of Jon Edwards.

Michelle Bachman calls Obama the “Worst President Ever”

2010-06-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Michelle Bachman calls Obama the “Worst President Ever”

Caption the Snow whitetrash Queen

2010-05-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is memorial day, a hollow day in which we privileged Americans pay requiem to the generations of brave young men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice by shoving as many deep-fried double-down sandwiches, washing it down with a tub of Mountain Dew Code Red, and ~~reflect~~ digest deeply as we watch the obligatory Law & Order SVU marathon. Obviously, Sarah Palin has made the greatest sacrifices of all, and whoever says otherwise is nothing but an arugula-munching, book reading commie. Sarah should therefore be captioned befittingly.

So show your deep admiration for one of America's greatest heroes since the White Castle scented candle and name that caption.

Meet Sarah palin's New Neighbor

2010-05-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Shameless, slimy snow grifter Sarah Palin is upset, and this time it isn't at the big meanie liberal media for making her think and her cute forehead wrinkle or because the price of moose burger meat slightly rose. Sarah Palin, whose most famous for dooming a dithering corpse's presidential campaign and giving the most screwed names to her offspring, has recently made news after feigning outrage on her facebook page over her new neighbor– Joe McGinniss, a writer authoring an unflattering book about her.

A respected author and journalist Joe McGinniss, a strident critic of Sarah Palin,(oh well...) has thrown caution and sanity into the wind and taken up residence right next store to Sarah Palin. Not to worry, though, Sarah can still see Russia from her side. Apparently McGinniss first wrote an expose on Palin and her natural gas pipeline plan for the Conde Nast publication Portfolio last year. Seeing as Sarah refuses to stop being Sarah (you get the drift...), Joe McGiniss is authoring another book on her tentatively titled, "Sarah Palin's Year of Living Dangerously" and could be on the shelves in the fall of 2011.

"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?" said Palin.

Already Sarah has informed her facebook friends that Mr. McGinniss will be waxing carrots to her underage daughter and fantazing about Sarah's garden when not watching the entire clan splash around the old swimming hole. Such a horrid beast that Mr McGinniss, but that shouldn't dissuade Sarah from dropping by for a cup of sugar, it's after all the neighborly thing to do...sort of.

www.scallywagandvagabond.com
chickensoupforthecynicssoul.blogspot.com

Michael Hayne Presents an Eveing of Political Comedy in NJ

2010-05-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

An evening of political comedy for Change (Meeting) BBC hates shrimp, teabaggers, m strip clubs, S and sexual repression, Republicans, unemployment, and Sarah Palin still wont shut down until the f ** k?! Yes, we can use laughter. I urge you to check out some amazing comedians and mock the folly of Washington, and then stick around and mingle and discuss issues with the progressive community

Michael Hayne presents an evening of political comedy
Saturday, June 12th,
8 pm(doors open at 7pm)
Hyenas Comedy Lounge @ the New York Daily Harold,
707 East 46 Street
Parsippany, New Jersey
15$ dollar cover
http://livingliberally.org/laughing/
Facebook page

Harry Terjanian (MTV, NCUCF) hosts Farhan known at the national level Cartoons Comedy Central, SNL, CNN

Addressing Jeff KREISLER (to show the frequency per day in 2008, Bill Hicks Spirit Award, author of "Get Rich Cheating," a bestseller Boston Globe!)

Negin Farsad (Comedy Central, Nerdcore rising)

Charlie KASOV (New Orleans Comedy Festival)

Oval Office Sexy Time: Name that Caption

2010-05-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

It really is flabbergasting--treasonous almost--to see a politician in love with his spouse. Well, I figured it might be fun to have you offer a funny caption on what you think is being said/though in this photo.

Muslims don

2010-05-21T11:05:00.001-07:00

Muslims don’t like Facebook.

Posted using ShareThis

Nick Madson mistakenly thinks he's Patton Oswalt

2010-05-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

In a digital age where Grandma uses Firefox to navigate her way onto You Tube, whereupon she uploads a compressed avi formatted snippet of her plethora of cats bouncing yarn that she shot using her Flipvideo, one would naturally think a thirty year old would understand that anything he says in public forum can and will be used against him in a court of Internet. The seemingly unstoppable and immeasurable Juggernaut of the Internet's reach most recently took a relatively washed-up (literally and figuratively) octogenarian actress in Betty White and launched an online campaign lobbying for Mrs. White to host an episode of SNL, which she ultimately did.

So what on BP's oil tainted earth did wannabe comedian Nick Madson think was going to come of his Hilton Hilltop Hackery when he flagrantly plagiarized a well-known routine from established funnyman Patton Oswald?

As a stand-up comedian it's a cardinal rule to not steal any comedian's jokes, just as it's equally inappropriate to be Ashley Simpson and think your a singer when in fact you are just a scantily cladded, meretricious trollop in front of a piece of equipment typically used for actual singing. While it is acceptable to borrow from the greats and reach some of the same conclusions , especially when it comes to topical matter; however, taking it upon yourself to so audaciously pilfer the blood and sweat that goes into the sheer agony of ones unfaltering efforts in turning something out of thin air into a masterpiece deeply embedded in the annuls of comedy.

Does anyone really want to watch Carrot Top perform George Carlin's pristine "Seven Dirty Words" routine?

As if stealing the bit outright wasn't execrable enough, Nick Madson performed Patton Oswalt's amazing routine with such torpor and sheer amateurishness that it sounded like a 6th grader poorly reading the works of Twain, Wilde, and Swift all in one.

We live in a "now" lottery winning reality TV star society that demands instant gratification and immediate results, whilst overlooking the time-tested skills and proven talents that were once a necessary requirement for fame and fortune. Much to the chagrin of totally unfunny and unoriginal Nick Madson, we also live in a voyeuristic world where the camera is always running and the Internet never goes to sleep.

Arizona or Bust

2010-04-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

Blame it on the Train

2010-04-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

NJ Transit commuters were dealt a major blow after its board green lighted a plan to increase fares by a whopping 25 percent–the largest fair increase in the history of system–for rail and commuter bus lines. Worse yet, it seems as though the plan includes gutting off peak discounts for commuters who choose to ride during non busy periods. The monstrous fare hike is scheduled to take effect May 1st.

Would it help if I informed governor Christie that commuters don’t use the train to teach New Jersey’s schoolchildren and prepare them to be better citizens?

Governor Christie’s madman quest for savings and fulfill his campaign pledge of bringing NJ out of insolvency with fierce fiscal responsibility seems to overlook the roughly 380,000 hard-working, tax paying citizens of NJ who rely on NJ transit to commute to work on a daily basis. Moreover, in his support for this massive fare hike Gov. Christie fails to see the obvious consequences that are surely follow the fare hike. For example, this tiny little recession thingy in which our country is still very much ensnared. Therefore, this increase is nothing short of a "turnstile tax,"unduly thrown onto the laps of the poor and working-class families of New Jersey and blatantly overlooking the great many NJ residents who have no choice but to take the bus and train to get to where they're going.

But it isn’t just the wallets of NJ citizens during hard economic times that factor into this fare hike.

For instance, in his blind search for savings Governor Christie may have also overlooked the fact that a major fare increase will lead to less ridership and more motorists on the road, thus creating more pollution and congestion.

One commuter, for example, predicted that the fare hike would prompt more people to jump into cars.

"When the cost of gas hit $4 a gallon in 2008, people drove less," he said. "When the cost of transit goes up 25 percent this year, fewer people will ride transit. This will put more commuters onto our highways, which are already over-crowded."

Indeed, commuters who can't absorb this egregious fair hike during already rough economic times might instead choose to drive.

On the fare Hike, Governor Christie had the following to say:

“I feel badly for those folks that are impacted by it, but this is the mess I was left with and I am not going to clean it up by putting under the rug, which has been done over and over again for the last two decades in New Jersey.”

In sum, if Governor Christie is so bent on closing the 300 million budget gap and if he really ‘feels bad,’ then perhaps he can take a 25 percent pay cut in his salary. Of course that would be the noble thing to do, although nobility and politics go together like Tiger Woods and monogamy.

Get your very own talkshow on Fox News

2010-04-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

In case you ever pondered to yourself how any respectable school of journalism or any institution of higher learning could bequeath a Fox News personality with a degree and how any employer with more than two brain cells could generously employ them, here's what you need to know.

To be a female Fox News talking head:

Blond and leggy, ridiculously well-coiffed bored, contemptible Orange County housewife with teeth that are more bleached than your hair. Spout as many overly simplistic talking points as your paramecium sized brain can remember. Love small town America and hate Michelle Obama and her arms. Most important, be sure that you're wearing more make-up than a dancer at a GOP strip club fundraiser

To be a current male Fox News talking head:

Severely bi-polar, doom-prophesying, barely literate angry white guy full of painkillers. Have the emotional equivalent of a 13 year old teenage girl just grounded on Prom or the mental equivalent of a great big fat kid frying ants with a magnifying glass. Never listen to any of your non planted guests and be sure to let them know that they are Stalinist/Nazi/fascists.

To be a classic male Fox News talking head:

Stuffy, uncaring, greedy washed up wall street baron country club Republican from the 80s who was too absolutist moralist for coke. Treat the smallest efforts at regulation as a coup de' tat and never, NEVER mention that Bush was president during the financial meltdown and that perhaps his administration played a role.

Whips, Chains, and Bondage! Oh my!

2010-03-30T18:29:00.001-07:00

So the party of "fiscal responsibility" (Ignore the last eight years when a non-Democrat black guy was in office) and "family values" was recently caught with its pants down and sweaty one dollar bills in hand when it was discovered that The Republican National Committee reimbursed about $2,000 in expenses rung up by the Young Eagles at a Hollywood nightclub featuring topless dancers and bondage outfits. The good news is that it the women were of age and, um, they were ACTUALLY women.

"Gay Marriage is a foul and detestable affront to family values and the word of the lord. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and bareback some gay biker I met on manhunt." ~ Rep. Roy Ashburn

Whether obfuscating or obstructing, the Republican party lost its footing a long time ago and, more recently, has been handed down to a horde of fat, stupid, angry white men and their equally fat, stupid and angry spouses. Moreover, a group that has about as much understanding of public (not pubic)policy and democratic governance as they do with sex slang. A group that thinks Obama is some sort of secret radical, half-breed fabric.

A group that somehow and someway believes the ability to articulate oneself in public equates one to the murdering of six million Jews.

Indeed, the party has nothing to run on but fear and fear itself.

In short, the salacious and lascivious peregrination on the part of Michael Steele and the GOP has finally brought back some dignity to the Republican party.

Meet your Teabagger

2010-03-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Here we see Wilford Brimley's lesser known brother, Jeebus Diabeetus Brimley. Now don't let those stylish dollar store tea bag/makeshift earrings fool you, as I'm sure Mr. Jeebus is prepared to say something so stark, poignant and utterly profound that surely I will be weeping uncontrollably.

So what exactly do you think Jeebus is about to say to this Fox News Distorter? Leave your comments below.

Shut the front door? Biden said what now?!

2010-03-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Our great nation was brought to its knees in great shock and horror when it learned of a an unspeakable tragedy. Sitting Vice-President and Gaffe Machine 2.0 Joe Biden said the word fuck during the historic signing of President Obama's Health care legislation.

"This is a big f-----' deal," Biden whispered into President Barack Obama's
ear and was picked up by a very sensitive microphone, The Hill reported.

Oh, would somebody please think about the
children!
Shame on you, Mr. Vice President! Vice-president's cannot become overly effusive and utter such offensive vulgarities upon witnessing the promulgation and signing of a monumental achievement that will avail millions of Americans, but rather they may only use this word when they want to unapologetically tell a Senior Senator to go F--k themselves!

And you wonder why his daughter turned out to be gay? Over the years she was perpetually overhearing her father telling folks to "go fuck themselves" and I guess she just ran with it.
Now, I refuse to kowtow to the supercilious and ridiculously punctilious merits of political correctness and its complete and utter destruction of the English language. The Fuck word (not the F-word) and its usage is one of my all time favorite past times, and I vehemently defend its usage, however. It is vital to be vigilant of decorum and context when using it. For instance, it would be a great disservice to Abbey Hoffman and George Carlin if one were to say " I just beat the fuck out of that homeless bum with no arms or legs." Better yet, telling a senior senator to "go fuck himself" when he was questioning the voracity behind your (Dick Cheney) noisome activities.
But let's momentarily step away from the fuck word to highlight the type of language the GOP and its supporters (e.g., the Teabaggers) inappropriately use.
During their million moron march on Washington on the eve of passage of the HCR, the Teabaggers--notorious for saying vile, outdated slurs--chanted “nigger,” as civil rights hero Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) and fellow Congressional Caucus member Andre Carson (D-IN) walked by.
Indeed, the Teabaggers speak redneck as a second language. But come on!
Surely you fat, white, old and angry fodder of the GOP aren't just socially backward racists?

Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), an openly gay congressmen, was called a "faggot," as protesters shouted at him with deliberately lisp-y screams. Such thoughtful, intelligent opposition! I suppose it is a refreshing change from the usual irrational and retarded "Obama is a muslin (not Muslim but 'muslin') socialist Nazi" ephitets for which these empty-headed shittards are so famous.
In short, let's stop pretendingthat Vice-President Biden saying fuck to express his joy and jubilation over something for which he worked his entire legislative career is newsworthy. Instead, let's focus on how far and far the GOP and their supporters are from kookistan and devolving by the second.

Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks.

2010-03-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

The Texas Board of Education had been meeting all week to revise (blatantly re-write)its social studies curriculum. Yes, believe it or not, Texas has a social studies curriculum.

During the past three days, “the board’s far-right faction wielded their power to shape lessons on the civil rights movement, the U.S. free enterprise system and hundreds of other topics.

After all, it's s widely known, incontrovertible fact that Thomas Jefferson was a transgender member of the Black Panthers and good friends with Bill Ayers and Michael Moore.

In case you're curious as to what enlightening facts and information the Texas Board used in lieu of those shameful, seditious, and utterly fallacious facts in the history books, I'm including them all below.

The fifth member on the Declaration Committee was Toby McKeith

Rick Warren braved the tumultuous ice swollen Delaware River to attack a Hessian garrison in Houston.

Ronald Reagan ran an infantry of televangelists onto the shore of Normandy to defeat Bill Clinton's horny horde of chubby intern Nazis

The earth was created 5 thousand years ago by George W. Bush when he cleared some brush in the Garden of Eden and discovered oil

Rush Limbaugh threatens to leave if HCR passes

2010-03-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

The world's most impotent man and foremost authority on fat and stupid white problems, Rush Limbaugh, declared in high dudgeon that he will flee the US for Costa Rica should HRC pass.

Click here and watch and listen listen below to hear me impersonate the gargantuan lizard in parody fashion.

Thank You for Smoking, Mr. President: In Defense of President Obama's smoking

2010-03-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

The country currently finds itself ruminating over consequences detrimental to the health and safety of our way of life: what brand does the president smoke and when did he smoke it? Indeed, Barack Obama's struggle to quit smoking has been amply chronicled over the past couple of years: apparently being president of the United States means that you can wage illegal wars and subsequent occupations, shred the constitution, and destroy the environment, but you MOST certainly CAN'T suck down the coolest method acting prop while simultaneously omitting a decidedly uncool cough that can be heard.

(The President showing off his lighter thumb. Oohh yeah, so cool and smooth!)

This is what scientists and health experts say Obama will look like a year from now

As a smoker, I am all too familiar with the societal disdain and aversion with which my nasty habit brings. Moreover, I'm equally familiar with the great many periods in which I quit, which makes me reminiscent of Mark Twain's quip..."Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." But let's examine the former a little bit further.

Have you ever been to a Dennys in this country? Surely you have seen with great shock and horror as some of America's finest fat and stupid scoff down a pallate of high-fructose, hydrogenated diabetic offerings in the form of pancakes before they return to the ocean. Surely you've bared witnessed to the fat and stupid in-waiting spawn of Fatty McFatterson screaming incessantly and running helter-skelter all over the shitkicking place, whilst Fatty McFatterson doesn't so much lift its potato head from its troff to reprimand its vile spawn, no? I would say Denny's should enforce leash laws for children, but the fuckers there are so fat that it's really hard to distinguish the children from the retarded man-children. But I digress.

All of the obscene, massively unhealthy and incorrigibly obnoxious aforementioned behavior is socially acceptable and welcomed with warm, fled flinstone-esque arms. But smoking?

Get's on the train! Heil Hitler!

Indeed, if you're a smoker in America you have about as much rights as a rabid badger. As a libertarian, I'm a firm believer in maximizing the liberty of the individual and freeing him from burdensome government intervention. And yes, I realize that my habit does infringe upon another individuals health and increases the liberty of him/her, so I am in complete compliance to reasonable and rational attitudes towards it. But you fucking nazis!

(Your Modern-Day Smoker's Lounge)

It's painfully obvious that politicians love to moralize and expostulate when it suits their political expedience, all while gleefully reaping in those hefty revenues for their pet projects. Moreover, the government is no different then the Mafia when it comes to cigarettes, only they have shitty taste in clothes. So let's stop pretending that they care about our welfare and overall health.

In short, i feel this issue can be wonderfully encapsulated by Mr. Nick Naylor--the fictional fast-talking tobacco lobbyist character from Jason Reitman's (The Juno guy) brilliant satire Thank You for Smoking.

The Official Unofficial transript of Bible Spice's Teabagger Convention Speech

2010-02-08T13:21:00.001-08:00

First and foremost, it should probably be noted that a woman who cannot spell the word spell shouldn't be getting boat loads of Neiman Marcus cash. But I'm sure you already knew that. Oh wait, I forgot that one of the teabagers defining charateristics is that they cannot spell for shit.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

It's no National Secret that Obama is made out of silk.

My all time Fav

So this past weekend Sarah Palin took time out of her busy schedule of trying to convince rational America that she's not Karl Rove's sexbot invention and addressed throngs of her most ardent (only) supporters: a unwashed group of rugged individualists that are utterly ignorant to the hilarious sexual innuendo of their movement and even more ignorant to the underlying message of the original tea party, which I believe was 'no taxation WITHOUT representation' and not 'too much taxation with representation. I'm referring of course to the teabaggers, a untidy fringe group of disgruntled, middle to lower class white Americans that actually benefit from Obama's economic policies but yet seem to think he's Hitler or the joker or whatever criminally idiotic epithets they recently came up with.

While I cannot subject you to the actual transcript of the snow cunt's blithering babble, I decided to break it down for you in a digestable format by including a hillarious summary I picked up from the Immoral Minority blog. Some very funny stuff! I wonder if Sarah Palin had to look to her hand in order to remember the part where she slammed president Obama for using a teleprompter (republican hack talking point)?

Part One:

Hello America...Happy Birthday Ronald Reagan...hello C-Span...kiss teabagger ass...kiss more teabagger ass...slam the media..kiss new Senator Scott Brown's ass (yummy)...slam Pelosi..slam Rahm Emanuel...defend George Bush, give stupid advice to Democrats...kiss more yummy Scott Brown ass...liberal left = establishmt(?)...talks about her gubernatorial race...something about her ideas(?)...tea party movement don't need no stinking leaders....tells insulting teleprompter joke at Obama's expense (Must not have watched him kick a room full of GOP ass with no teleprompter help whatsoever!)...another big wet lip lock on the teabagger butts..

Part Two:

Blames Obama for Christmas day underwear bomber (I wonder who she blames for 9-11?)...repeats lie that reading Umar Abdulmutallab his Miranda rights made him stop cooperating (Somebody needs to channel surf away from Fox News once in awhile)...brings up her son Track and his possible death as a reason to NOT give Abdumutallab any rights...makes case that respecting Abdulmutallab's right to counsel "scares her" for her children (?)...brings back phrase "radical Islamic extremists". (Gee I had so hoped that with the Bush administration gone we had heard the last of that bullshit phrase!)...pisses on Obama's foreign policy decisions...blames administration for missile tests in South Korea (Didn't they do that when Bush was in office too?) and Israel's lack of confidence (Yeah NOW they know that if they attack Iran they may be on their own)...mixes up America and Alaska (THAT will show up on Countdown and the Daily Show next week....wants administration to change course...applauds decision to send more troops into Afghanistan...makes tired old claim that "democracies don't go to war with each other"(Oh yes they do)...quotes John F. Kennedy (who is right now spinning in his grave) to convince Obama not to blame country's problems on Bush...

Part Three:

Talks about when she rejected stimulus money in Alaska...then mentions that her own fellow Republicans overwrote her veto...makes fun of Joe Biden (I bet now he wishes he had kicked her fake tanned ass in that VP debate!)...Without a hint of irony she is dinging the Obama administration for its lack of transparency...now pretending like she understands economic issues..."sweetheart dills?" (When will this woman learn to say "deals? Sounds like she is talking about Valentine's Day pickles!)...unbelievably blames national debt on Obama administration...once again tries to make the point that problems could be solved like a family doing its budget...just tighten your belts...imbecile...again tries to blame the debt on Obama and calls it "generational theft" (Did this woman sleep through the Bush administration?)...Palin, "as the saying goes If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't' be in the circus" (Well if she is looking for a circus she is certainly came to the right place. Just look at all of the clowns.)...Claims that her administration "put government back on the side of the people" (I was one of those people. Trust me, her government was NOT on my side!)

Part Four:

Says that "if government got out of the way" our economy would "roar back to life" (Didn't the Bush administration stay out of the way of big business? I don't remember a roaring economy then, do you?)...recites campaign slogan of an "all of the above approach to energy" (Which is a fancy way of saying "Let's just try everything, but let's give more money to oil and gas companies because they give big to republicans")...and let's relax those regulations for off shore drilling (Cleaning up devastating oil spills is a "job creator" too!)..."How can I help our country?" she asks (You may submit your suggestion in the comments section)...Oh "sit down and shut up", that was MY suggestion!..You don't need an office to make a difference. (Just plastic surgery, a bumpit, and a couple of segments on Fox News.)...Brings up the Constitution as best "road map" (I wonder if she is making a mental note to have Piper read her that document some day?)...Ooh teabaggers jump up when you say "Constitution"...jump little baggers, jump...."Enduring truths" have been passed down from Washington, to Reagan, to you. (Is it my imagination or did she skip a whole buttload of presidents there? Or are those the only ones the baggers recognize?)...Did she just refer to the teabagger movement as "young and fresh"? Is she not seeing the same middle age faces in the crowd that I am seeing?...Oops running out of topics, time to talk about the attacks on her children...Teabaggers go "Boo"...Teabaggers good, and kind, and selfless (Everything that Sarah Palin is not.)...Happy birthday Ronnie!Is talking about Reagan choking her up?...Surely that is an act for the crowd...You know i think we already live in a world where children with special needs are welcomed...and embraced...Do they think only Teabaggers love children?...Oop time to pander...combining Reagan with god is a guaranteed standing "O"... "This movement is about the people" (The people who buy my book, pay me $100,000 to speak here, and who give freely to SarahPAC.)...God bless you teapartiers...You simple, simple teapartiers.

Homeland Insecurity

2010-01-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

To anyone credulous enough, to actually believe in government competence and having our best interests at heart, irrespective of party and ideology, allow me to take your rosy red glasses and smash them into an oblivion.

If the Secret Service cant keep wanna be reality stars from crashing the White House, what makes us think the same government is going to prevent some tiny, disgruntled piss ant little terrorist wannabe with explosives in his Shiite stained underoos.

You cannot stop a perverse ideology by looking at child cock and fat white American ass prior to boarding a plane. Seriously, the enhanced airport security in the wake of the botched Christmas terror attack, particularly the proposed body scanners, in fact violate child pornography laws.

Is Herbert from Family Guy now heading the TSA?

We mustn't allow ourselves to think of this as most dispensationalist end of days fundamentalists do; that is, in terms of a winnable "us versus them" eschatology. This is not a winnable war; believing so means that you’re either an elected official looking to score political brownie points or your pharmacy was out of thorzine. I mean, it's the equivalent of thinking you can defeat rape and murder.Such Manichean thinking defined our foreign policy for the past eight years and left us much less safe. Terrorism can only be extenuated and put in check, and doing so is a matter of law & order. Making people strip down, although fun and sexy, will do nothing to stop some whiny, dispossessed douche from becoming radicalized. Religion, for my part, is perhaps more dangerous than guns, but so is propping up a corrupt narco state in Afghanistan.

In short, to all of the dyspeptic conservatives putting their hatred of health care in abeyance, us liberals haven't smoked so much pot that we somehow forgot that, in fact, it took George Bush 6 days to come out and make a statement about Richard Reed deciding to light his shoe to bring an American plane down while over the Atlantic. They also don’t want you to know that there were no military tribunals to try Reed in, because their hero George W. Bush tried both and Jose Padilla in federal court. Indeed, the hypocrisy will make your eyes bleed!

Santa's Soliloquy

2009-12-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

"Why go on?" Santa contemplated as he watched the snow fall with a jaundiced eye. "Another insufferable, unremitting winter." Of course, he knew it wasn't just the winter: It was the eternal tedium of flying interminably about earth every year delivering the latest state-of-the-art (Soon-to-be-obsolete) cheap, imported presents; it was the insubordinate little brats who rarely if ever left a morsel of a cookie or a drop of milk; it was nearly going bankrupt trying to pay for Rudolf's cancer treatment for the malignant lymphoma in his nose; it was the internecine struggles between the intransigent elf and reindeer unions; it was having to let go his helpers because apparently the North Pole isn't too big to fail; it was having to see Sarah Palin from his factory; and since his wife left him for the leaner and more fit Kwanza Kareem, the onerous addition of paparazzi incessantly harrassing him. All of this unbearable mess had become an inveterate part of Christmas

Compound this with Prancer's intemperance of being his number 2 guy and Santa was ready to sell his pristine acreage of permafrost to Exxon Mobil. "I should indeed leave this wretched place once and for all," Santa ruminated as he sat intractably in his wooded chair since Mrs. Claus had inherited the Ikea furniture from the divorce. In spite of all of this seemingly ineluctable misery, Santa had an epiphany: "I wonder what the Goldbergs are doing on the 25th?"

2009-12-10T09:26:00.001-08:00

press release http://ping.fm/Rgt46

2009-12-10T07:55:00.001-08:00

The Nobel Prize has been officially changed to Not George Bush Prize.

2009-12-04T09:28:00.001-08:00

http://ping.fm/qv3ng

All Hail the Freedom Tray!

2009-12-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!

I give you the Freedom Tray!

Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!

If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!

The 10 most annoying Things about Facebook

2009-11-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I inadvertently stumbled upon this news feed on, believe it or, AOL and it was surprisingly witty. Yes, I maintain an AOL account solely for spam and Nigerian scams.

At any rate, I came across a facebook harangue that we should not only read, but preach it like it were the fucking Sermon on the Mount! I'm taking the liberty of including some of the sharper complaints, a link to the whole story, as well as a few choice ones of my very own. Enjoy and discuss! More important, READ AND ADHERE!!

1. What's the difference between "News feed" and "Live feed"? And why can't Facebook remember which I prefer? And could we just call it what it really is: facelift

2. Obvious celebrity marketing ploys. Why it's annoying: Celebrities love Facebook -- or so it would seem. But all too often, it's someone writing on their behalf (and often poorly). That doesn't stop avid fans from falling over themselves to 'like' every comment and chime in as though they are actually having a conversation with the celebrity.

In my opinion, the a-list celeb, comedian, or writer is probably
not going to respond from their dumbass Twitterberry (sex act?) nonetheless message you and say how utterly grateful they are that you have a keyboard and high speed connection.

3. (And this is my own) They incredibly lazy, uncreative drudges who simply right "is" in their status updates. It's neither witty or pensive so you're better off just playing Mafia wars, Farmville, or some other pointless shit with which to distract you from your miserable, drab workplace.

4. (And this is my own) Unless you're actually a student of politics, have worked on campaigns, hold degrees in politics or journalism, or actually contribute to the political discussion by writing and/or contributing to a viable, legitimate online news source (and commenting on some lame ass blog doesn't count), I could care less about your stance on health care reform. If there's anything worse than a fundamentally wrong, poorly argued position that's laced with fallacies and unsubstantiated facts and substantive quotes, it's having to endure some dilettante pontificate on matters about which they no little if anything. Oh, and inputing a search term into Wikepedia doesn't make you fucking Henry Clay, Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Paul Krugman, John Stuart Mill, Noam Chomsky, or Milton Friedman. I realize that echelon may seem helter-skelter, and that some of these political minds are rather douchey, but they are MINDS. And you really cannot do this when you're playing Farmville or tagging a picture of your dumbass in a bikini in front of a mirror. Doing so would make you a mirror skank, not a politico.

For the actual article, click here , assuming my commentary wasn't just as lame;)

Parodying Palin is like Spearfishing out of a barrel

2009-11-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Since no living creature with more than two chromosomes can tolerate a nanosecond of opportunistic, vapid, empty-headed, blithering, babbling Bible Spice hawk her illiterate ghostwritten (will have to be ghost READ as well) piece of shit to boost Oprah's ratings, the brilliant comedic minds once again exposed the sideshow circus act made into a celebrity for what she really is in two separate but equally hilarious segments.

Jon Stewart rips the moron on a new one

Conan rips the moron a new one

Then read about all the blatant falsehoods in her illeterate, ghostwritten piece of shit

The book you should read!

Snuggies for dogs: Why should YOU only look like a douche

2009-11-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

So I realize this post may come as a radical departure from the usual sharp-edged, wonky socio-political commentary for which I'm most known, but i simply couldn't resist the temptation to bash, smash, and pretty much obliterate any chance that some unsuspecting schmuck might inadvertently stumble upon this abomination. I simply could not allow that. And they say I'm a cold-hearted, cantankerous cynic who cares very little for my fellow coffin stuffers?!

Now, it's safe to assume that we our all familiar with the human version of the snuggie -- a frivolous and needless invention for those of you just not quite thrilled enough by the talking bass.

(Reading seems so much better now that I'm dressed to worship a lazy, societal failure and achieve nirvana by drinking adulterated fruit punch!!!)

Indeed, the Snuggie (puked a little) says that I'm a reckless drug addict and refuse to leave the house, rather than comfort and pleasure. For my part, comfort and pleasure more often than not denote Jack Daniels and blow jobs...not donning attire that would make Morris Day and the Time Blush.

But hey, this is America--we have shoes that light up for kids and pajamas with footsies for adults so why the fuck not!

Folks, I give you the Dog Snuggie (drumroll)....

("Does anybody have Michael Vick's digits?")

While I'm not one to engage in or entertain conspiracy or any inflated paranoid theory for that matter. However, I believe this is one instance in which my rational side falls prey to such machinations. In short, I submit that the Snuggie is slowly but surely morphing into an insidious, formidable Juggernaut with the aim of controlling every American and their dog (American Canine). We'll all still be unemployed--roaming the streets--randomly sending photos of ourselves that only show 1/4 of our faces, but we'll be doing it dressed as the Dali Lama's lazy, stoner cousin who couldn't obtain enlightenment if it showed up in his bong as one hand clapping.

(This actually make me want to hug and kiss a teabagger)

President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize: GOP demands to see the Nobel Committee's Birth Certificate

2009-10-09T15:07:00.001-07:00

When the news broke earlier that sitting American (or is it Kenyan or Indonesian?) President Barack Obama was bequeathed with the Nobel Peace Prize, I naturally assumed that Rush Limbaugh's head would explode and the republican party would be stuck with a gargantuan body instead of a party head. Moreover, I instinctively knew that the blogosphere would be buzzing with more republican and conservative invective than democrat or liberal encomium.

Am I really that prescient or do Republicans really hate Barack Obama that much they would put breathing oxygen in abeyance in order to vituperatively criticize President Obama? Hmmmm....

"This fully exposes the illusion that is Barack Obama,"
said conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh . "And with this 'award' the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to not do the surge in Afghanistan, not take action against Iran and its nuclear program and to basically continue his intentions to emasculate the United States... They love a weakened, neutered U.S and this is their way of promoting that concept. I think God has a great sense of humor, too."

Oh Rush, did you run out of Oxycontin refills again?

While us rational Americans have grown accustomed to the bile invective spewed daily from Mr. Limbaugh more effortlessly than potato chip crumbs, some republicans decided that Rush Limbaugh is just too understanding and flirted with invective of their very own.

Eric Erickson of the ever-so enlightening Red State.com had these encouraging words to say,"did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota." I believe Eric followed up by saying African Americans are America's dancingist rape folk while in black face.

Knee-jerk vitriol and racist commentary notwithstanding, the award is baffling some on the left as well.

Michael Mooore, for example, offered his congratulations but boldly declared action as well.

"Congratulations President Obama on the Nobel Peace Prize--Now earn it!" 'Freedom can not be delivered from the front seat of someone else's Humvee. You have to end our involvement in Afghanistan now. If you don't, you'll have no choice but to return the prize to Oslo.'

Indeed, Obama may have made lofty pronouncements such as closing Guantanamo, bringing the troops home from Iraq, want a nuclear weapon-free world, admitting to the Iranians that we overthrew their democratically-elected president in 1953, etc. But he has yet to follow through on those pronouncements with concrete action and, worse yet, is risking escalating a lost cause in Afghanistan by extending outstretched and vitiated troops in a purposeless battle.

Don't believe me, just click here to read about the growing numbers of troops suffering from PTSD.

I realize that President Obama is looking to make up for the fact that Afghanistan and the 'just war' was abandoned by the ruthless Bush Administration to pursue a petty vendetta in Iraq and make billions of dollars in no-bid contracts for their cronies, but 6 years have passed since troops were shifted away from that conflict and the situation has grown increasingly dire for our troops to win. After all, the primary objective for going into Afghanistan was to kill and capture Bin Laden and his key associates, disrupt their vast terror network, and prevent Afghanistan from becoming another hotbed for terrorism.

Has blowback and the situation in Iraq taught us anything?

We are not there to police a nation beset by tribalism and internal conflicts and expect to train a miserably incompetent army at the aegis of a corrupt government. Moreover, an army in which ultimately joins the Taleban anyway

Barack Obama winning the Noble peace prize--something that not even he expected--is certainly momentous and naturally is being lauded by the sane world. But is imperative that we do not allow ourselves to get stuck in the warm and fuzzy clouds of this achievement as we did immediately following the election of Barack Obama. We must ensure that President Obama does in fact earn this prestigious prize.

Megan Fox has an opinion on something so you must care

2009-09-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

So the glycerined, tawdry, dog-shit for brains, vapid, one-dimensional flash in the pan tart takes a page inextricably ripped from the play book of the Anti-Obama morons and compares hackneyed director Michael Bay to Hitler. Apparently she was also mean to gaffers. Being in the field of entertainment, I am inclined to immediately support the unflagging efforts and sweat put in by Film and Tv crews...so my bias is transparent. I think its mostly due to the fact that celebrities are fucking morons who can neither read or write. But if there is an actor deserving an opprobrium from a crew, it's Christian Bale.

And I must say that comparing her intellect to rocks is a major affront to rocks.

I had the dubious honor of catching a glimpse of an utterly campy horror movie set to the Myspace era she's in that looks unequivocally craptastic. I know America simply cannot get enough of barely clothed, underage white girls, but there has got to be a statute of limitations on this one. The film is called Jennifer's Body, although it's safe to assume it's Megan's body you are watching. She thought she was going to be the next Angelina Jolie, but it looks like she's going to be the next Denise Richards. Pretty face with very little range, depth, and acting skill. I cannot wait for her next project--a leaked drug-and-booze soaked sex tape.

Military Privatization Gone Wild vol 2: Now with More Poop

2009-09-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

Is Hillary Clinton Secretary of State or Paris Hilton? It looks like Just War Theory and the "Good Iraq" just got stripped and eaten potato chips on. According to Reuters, it seems the state department just allocated another $180 million to the private firm. Man, just think of all the prostitutes these morbidly obese, criminally retarded, gun-touting, incestuous demon spawn can get with that scratch. The deranged, bacchanalian behavior exhibited by members of the Afghan American Embassy security contractor ArmorGroup make the soldiers at Abu Grab look like war heroes.

(Defusing Roadside Improvised Bombs and keeping the Taliban at bay really causes a hankering for some beer drinking out of each others unwashed, soiled anuses)

Indeed, our national economy may still be mirred in a recession with the potential for a "double-dip", but the "who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market is booming and growing each and every day.

Bod Dylan Stopped by Cops: Voice of yesterdays generation is barely reticent to today's generation

2009-08-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

(Associated Press) Rock legend Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey shore community when a resident called to report someone wandering around the neighborhood.

Dylan was in Long Branch, a not so glamorous area is you're a true denizen of the Joisey shore, on July 23 as part of a tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp that was to play at a baseball stadium in nearby Lakewood.

A 24-year-old police officer apparently was unaware of who Dylan is and asked him for identification, Long Branch business administrator Howard Woolley said Friday.

"I don't think she was familiar with his entire
body of work," Woolley said.

The incident began at 5 p.m. when a resident said a man was wandering around a low-income, predominantly minority neighborhood several blocks from the oceanfront looking at houses.

The police officer drove up to Dylan, who was wearing a blue jacket, and asked him his name. According to Woolley, the following exchange ensued:

"What is your name, sir?" the officer asked.

"Bob Dylan," Dylan said.

Okay, when you see a confused looking white guy roaming aimlessly in that neck of the woods, he is either a waterfront developer or Bob Dylan. Being blithely unaware of the personification of spoken word and blues is one thing, but to not recognize his fucking voice is like bringing in James Earl Jones. Well, we don't educate our youth; we just prepare them for white-collar crime and a non-existent workforce.

What am I saying–the way Bob Dylan looks these days the coppers probably thought he was just some deranged drifter from Asbury, or just some leather purse with dilated pupils.

Cop says to Dylan: ‘Okay grandpa, we’ll take you to the Ocean Palace to see Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Norman Mailer staying at the Ocean Place Resort and Spa.'

If anything, this contretemps should produce a "Pot Summit" between Dylan and the officers.

Cluck U America! Cash for Cluckers

2009-08-07T15:16:00.001-07:00

While state-run GM is successfully convincing America's socially backward, unread shittards that trading in their aging, antediluvian gaz-guzzlers for brand spanking new ones will spawn future growth (in debt collection that is), PETA--the naked Eva Mendes org--is capitalizing on the wildly popular government program with one of its own.

Cash for cluckers is aimed at helping the environment by convincing America to abstain from partaking in one of its favorite activities next to race baiting--filling their mammoth gullets with dead chicken carcass coated with that ever-so natural and organic high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil batter. The idea is to get America's fattest and dumbest to abstain from supporting an industry that produces more greenhouse gasses than all the SUVs, cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined...and that's just before it's digested!

The program offers a $1 rebate to non vegetarians who purchase vegetarian "chicken" products. Yeah! So after taking out a mortgage to pay for the vegan products, I get to spend another 44 cents to mail in my receipt and they give me a dollar for a whopping net gain of 54 cents ! This sounds vaguely familiar to some heartfelt but ultimatley futile program

"Driving a fuel-efficient car is a step in the right direction, but to be truly 'green,' it's best to adopt a vegetarian diet," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "We hope that 'Cash for Cluckers' provides the stimulus and the inspiration people need to make the switch to a healthy, humane, and Earth-friendly vegetarian diet."

Now that is something with which I can get on board, assuming they throw in a naked celebrity wrapped in soy and feature a dancing, cartoonish soy bean.

Fox cancels Family Guy Episode

2009-07-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

In typical fashion, 20th Century Fox gave Seth MacFarlane the green light only to rip out the fuse last minute. Apparently a cartoon fetus has just as much right to live. After all, the Family Guy episode may offend the incredibly rational, thoughtful, caring, insightful Glen Beck Fox viewer

The repeal of the Fairness Doctrine proudly gave us Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, but draws the line when it comes to a fictional cartoon.

(Dora the Explorer is an illegal alien lesbian looking to steal your jobs!!)

Please excuse my coarse language, but fuck the Cult of the child! The day parents in America monitor their children's TV/Internet viewing habits is the day I find the lost continent of Atlantis beneath my septic system. In brief, Political Correctness is a hall monitor on steroids that leaves no room for compromise and perpetuates an irrational, unthinking attitude towards anything under the sun, or should I say gaseous orange American.

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit,writes Bill Maher

2009-07-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note:

Here is a scintillating piece written by Bill Maher that brilliantly encapsulates he inherent evils in making decidedly noble things, like health care, unrecognizably ignoble by attaching the almighty dollar to them. Now I would love nothing more than to have a wonky policy discussion on some key problems with health care in this country, from too much overhead, litigation, and dollar spent per capita, but I firmly believe that citizens of a developed democratic country should have the fucking right to live--though right-wing nutbolts like Giuliani, who whore themselves out to the insurance companies, love to equate your right to breathe with your right to watch television. Hey, at least he has extended his political vocabulary beyond "9/11!, 9/11!, 9/11!"

Let it be known that I firmly believe in making medicine not-or-profit and returning the decision-making to the guys/gals who went to prominent medical schools, as opposed to people who went to school for two weeks at the University of Phoenix. ENJOY!

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit

Bill Maher

How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money.

The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are. Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves -- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.

Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason -- who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population -- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.

Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."

But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.

And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.

But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.

Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.

When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.

And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!

President Obama Rally for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

2009-07-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

President Obama Stumps for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

Thursday, July 18th 2009

3:15 pm-- Members of the press passing out in a massive, seemingly endless line into the center, and its not on the account of President Obama but the scorching heat. Audacity of Hope? More like the Audacity of Heat Stroke

3:20 pm-- I just made it through the security check and I didn't even have to take off my shoes...Yes we can!

(These guys are famed for their witty sense of humor)

3:24 pm-- Finally made my way down to the press pool seating area. In retrospect, I probably would've have sat in the blogger section, but then I'd be on the side of the Garden State Parkway.

3:30 pm-- Some state senator approaches the podium and addresses the throngs of exuberant Obamaniacs and their one Corzine fan. She touts and panegyrizes the achievements and accomplishments of Governor Corzine. Yeah, how's about addressing the fact that NJ received more than 17 billion dollars in Federal Stimulus money and yet no free bottled water in sub-Saharan heat.

3:32 pm-- Much to the pleasure of the ultra-partisan crowd, State Senator begins to equate Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for governor, to president Bush. Not surprisingly, the crowd erupted in a raucous of boos. I think Bush is about as popular with the general electorate as flesh eating bacteria

3:36 pm-- Oh my, there appears to be a full-scale chorus singing. The chorus sang mellifluously and were very impassioned, but I fear I was much too much to distracted by the plethora of awkward white guy dancing. Clearly the black part of Obama would be put to shame.

3:45 pm-- Whose Congressman's leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here!

3:46 pm-- Still no Obama or that other guy whom one person came to see.

4:00 pm-- NJ Governor Corzine just made his way up the stage and to the podium and announces that he's a Gay American. But seriously, Governor Corzine begins to address the enthusiastic crowd. What, too hot for sweater vests?

(The geeky, unpopular kid reassures his boisterous guests that the special celebrity he hired will be appearing shortly)

4:02 pm-- Oh my, this man really needs to touch Obama because he has the charisma of a week's old meatloaf. If he isn't the Art Garfunkel to Obama's Paul Simon...

4:05 pm-- The topic of health care--the wheezing 800 pound gorilla in the emergency room--was broached.

4:08 pm-- Governor Corzine panders to his most ardent supporters by playing up his support for unions and working class New Jerseyians.

4:12 pm-- Governor Corzine announces the arrival of his good friend, Hillary Clinton. But seriously, President Obama has arrived!

(Riding the Coattails anyone?)

4:13 pm-- I think I just lost 80 percent of my hearing.

4:14 pm-- President Obama begins to address the sweltering but ebullient crowd of thousands.

4:15 pm-- I don't care one iota if President Obama has back peddled on some of his campaign promises, belied some of his most vehement campaign rhetoric, and sheepishly kowtowed to the banks because he is adorable! He's like puppy's breath and new car scent all put in one! But seriously, President Obama exudes confidence and is highly commanding.

4:16 pm-- Oh no he didn't! I believe President Obama just handed Corzine his coat jacket. I guess Corzine is doing his laundry now.

4:18 pm-- President Obama wastes no time in emphatically declaring Governor Corzine a crucial ally who had helped develop the national economic recovery plan, saving countless jobs, while working wonders on education and health insurance and still cutting the size of state government

(This was once the guy who refused to wear a flag lapel pin, only to appear in front of Rudy Giuliani's pool cover.)

4:20 pm-- President Obama seems very ensnared in his presidential campaign rhetoric and almost forgets that he got the job back in November. His tone is just as fiery and forceful as it was on the stump. Clearly Obama feels most comfortable in this arena than he does in the oval office.

4:25 pm-- Health Care reform is explained no just in terms of the nation as a whole, but to the great many Small business owners suffering from soaring costs here in NJ.

4:30pm-- Enough with all of this trivial health care reform! I want to know why the president hates flys and yellow mustard!!

4:36-- After lauding Governor Corzine for his own efforts in fixing health care, President Obama took this golden opportunity to highlight his own prescription for a workable and affordable health plan. In fact, President Obama took off the gloves and confronted the most vociferous republican and conservative democrat opponents of his health plan by loudly declaring "What's your Plan?!" Kudos!

"What's your Plan?!" ~ President Obama

4:40 PM-- President Obama concludes his 25 minute speech by reaffirming his support for Governor Corzine and thanks the crowd.

Walter Cronkite dead at 92

2009-07-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

Legendary newscaster Walter Cronkite was reported dead at the age of 92. Mr. Cronkite was the apotheosis of quality, authoritative news reporting and oozed gravitas and integrity with every newscast. Although he hadn't delivered a newscast in nearly three decades, Walter Cronkite set the gold standard for serious, no nonsense hard news. In a simpler time with only three networks (the big 3), Walter Cronkite was omnipresent and took his relationship with the public incredibly seriously. Covering some of the most extraordinary happenings in our nation's history; i.e., WWII, JFK, and Vietnam, Walter Cronkite was the singular voice presided over some of the most momentous events. And unlike today's 24 hour corporate-owned and ratings obsessed infotainment media, Walter Cronkite's foremost responsibility was always to inform the public….not to talk down to it, incite it, exploit it, entertain it, or sell it to greedy advertisers.

RIP Mr. Cronkite!

Mike Huckabee Back on the SUV Wagon

2009-07-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Folksy, former fat ass governor of Arkansas and 2008 GOP Primary Pimp, Mike Huckabee, spring boarded (used with reinforced steel) to political fame after dropping a couple thousand pounds on some weird and bizarre regimen, which I believe they call diet-and-exercise.

However, it seems as though the Huckster has traded his corny joke book and acoustic guitar for a palate of Twinkies as he says he is falling off the wagon

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.” ~Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee is beginning to realize that being thin is so liberal elitist, and if he stands a chance against Rush Limbaugh in the race for whacked out Conservative standard-bearer, he is going to have return to his former corpulent self.

(Barbershop Quartet or Cracker-Barrel Waiters? And this is the guy who denies gravity? Smile and say backwoods, morbidly obese, clod hopping church fanatics!! )

Why I hate some (all) Vegans

2009-07-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are Vegans annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots that tout the writings of deceased annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots. I have never encountered one I didn't want to impale with a hyperdermic phalanx. Not only do some of their radical, loony, eco-terrorist actions compel me to eat baby cows, but they make me want to slaughter them as well. Moreover, I tend to think that if animals had the ability to reason, they would prefer to be devoured at a rodeo or whipped at a circus than have to endure a nanosecond of being in the company of Vegans. For my part, the majority of Vegans just strike me as angsty, rich white teenagers– upset and brooding in their domiciles– because daddy wouldn't let them go to a Radiohead concert.

In short, I have nothing but complete and utter contempt and disdain for their useless existences. Nothing screams rational political discourse and effective PR quite like t-shirts for children that feature rabbits with their eyes burned out. Even though I occasionally eat meat when its convenient to do so, I'm an educated, animal friendly environmentalist and agree wholeheartedly that the mass production and consumption of meat and meat by-products is destructive to both the environment and the national health (IE, high insurance premiums to treat heart disease and morbid obesity).

But venicen is just so god dam
mouth-watering

--Enter PETA

Okay, in the hopes of avoiding those pesky and embarrassing straw man and ad hominem fallacies, I will desperately attempt to voice my distaste for PETA without succumbing to such insipid epithets as "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals". I will readily admit that they do go work. I would probably have to pay a fee in order to view a naked Eva Mendes.

But seriously, since its inception PETA has indeed helped otherwise helpless animals escape the inexorable sad fate allotted to their non-moral standing status. But then they negate a thousand good deeds by being bat-shit crazy in their behaviour. For example, PETA most recently demonstrated that it has the heart of America's massive, thriving Ahimsa Jainist citizenry in mind when they protested President Obama going all Daniel LaRusso on a fly during a interview.

The ironic thing is that if it flew on Joe Biden, the fly would probably just
kill itself

How can we trust this man is truly for hope and change when he has the gall to so callously take away the wondrous and prosperous life of a fly as though it were, um, a fly?

So while I agree they have done SOME good work--albeit in the shittiest bedside manner imaginable-- their aggressive campaigns have put people off to their cause as opposed to attracted them.

But getting back to the primary targets of this diatribe...

Assuming I ever do overcome my intractable Omni-dilemma and assuage my seemingly innate penchant for red meat and chicken, I'm gong to call myself a herbivore. You know, kind of like how rational voters call themselves Libertarians.

Obama signs anti-smoking Bill into law

2009-06-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

President Obama recently signed into law a sweeping new power to limit nicotine in the cigarettes that kill nearly a half-million people a year, and to drastically curtail ads that glorify tobacco and to ban flavored products aimed at spreading the habit to young people.

President Obama, a smoker himself (his lungs are apparently too black to be president)struggling wto quit, gladly signed the bill and celebrated by lighting up a flavor full stick of, um, Arugula?

(This cigarette contains hope)

Here's a breakdown of the law:

•Creates a tobacco control center within the FDA and gives the FDA authority to regulate the content, marketing and sale of tobacco products to protect public health.

Becasue the FDA proved so capabale and compentent in regulating dog food, meat, pork, and every single pharmaceutcial in the driking water supply, so why should they be any less competent in regulating tobacco.

.•Requires tobacco companies and importers to reveal all product ingredients and seek FDA approval for any new tobacco products.

Wait, you're telling me these things don't contain fairy dust and puppy's breath? I'd take my chances with a crisp, cool unfiltered Camel than anything served in fast-food restaurants.

•Allows the FDA to change tobacco product content to protect the public health.

The most effective and very much needed law to protect the public health would be to ban Glen Beck

•Bans the use of flavors, including candies and fruit flavors, in tobacco products.

I'm sure they would think differently if they ever sucked down the glorious medley of flavors in a Bubblegum Light

•Strengthens warning labels.

Here's a working label: "We, the federal government, are a Leviathan. We know what's best for you and we want to inhibit your adult, individual choice and encroach upon your unalienable right to hack incessantly behing a dumpster in the dead of winter. We are totally cool with collecting whopping revenues, though, and arbitraily rasing the sin tax whenever we cannot balance the budget. We so vehemently don't want you to smoke that we need you to smoke so we can adequately fund SCHIP."

•Bars the use of expressions such as "light, "mild" or "low" that give the impression that a tobacco product poses less of a health risk and limit the amount of nicotine and tar in cigarettes.

Okay, ultra lights and lights are tantamount to former president Bush's Clear Skies Act and environmentally-friendly drilling. In other wards, if you smoke said products with the belief that you are somehow making a less lethal choice, then you deserve lung cancer. The bigger issue, of course, is smokers will obviously smoke MORE if the FDA reduces the amount of nicotine in a cigarette tobacco.

Now, while I hate believing anything that reflects the thinking far right-wing nutjobs, I still must say that the government cannot protect me from me. Moreover, no single person can make someone quit-- not by capricious rules, not nanny-state interference, and not by not by taxes. In short, it is incumbent upon the individual to consider his/her flouresecent yellow teeth, shortness of breath, and dwindling funds to make the bold and brave decision to quit. fuck it! Just purchase them overseas from Russia or Moldova.

Let's call this law and its supporters in Congress what it really is, a cynical pr stunt for morally righteous politicians to feel good about themselves while still gladly taking in revenues from the tobacco industry.

Palin seriously prepares for 2012 Presidential Run by attacking Late-Nite host

2009-06-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

Taking time away from her hectic and substantive schedule of creating future meth addicts, smiling for the camera, shooting endangered species, and raiding the RNC's war chest on Neiman Marcus clothes that convey Avon saleswoman gravitas gosh darn it, Sarah Palin vented against funny man David Lettermen for having the unmitigated audacity of presenting a satirical item written by one his "Top Ten List" WGA staffers.

Among the typical melange of relatively good-natured jabs, one item on the list apparently proved so "unmavericky" and policy-driven that it provoked a dyspeptic response from Palin herself....

"What a commentary there," Palin said of the comment during an
interview on conservative host John Ziegler's Los Angeles-based radio show. "That's pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman."

As you know, failing to see the glaringly obvious in nearly every aspect of politics and culture is the mantra of the GOP; therefore, it isn't especially shocking that Palin failed to see the relevance in topical comedy shows poking fun at whomever is in the news.

The bigger story (apparently right-wing nut jobs killing innocent people is so cliche) is over Lettermen poking fun at her ultra-loose daughter Bristol.

Oh Sarah! Since you perpetually keep yourself in the news, constantly reminding us that we came within a broken hip of having Bible Spice behind the red button, you're more fair game than wolves. We should be ever-so grateful to Lettermen, for reminding the miserably uninformed that intelligent Americans can't allow a barely literate extremist to speak for real Americans.

I will conclude by saying I am a topical comedian; therefore, I'm absolutely barred from making funny yet pointed and smart commentaries as well as silly jabs abut any public figure in the news. I feel that I must apologize to Bush and his cabinet for steering our country into the garbage barge over the last 8 years. Never mind the fact that many GOP comedians made lewd and hurtful remarks about Bill Clinton getting a BJ or that Palin, an obvious farce of a candidate that even ice fishing Eskimos in Greenland can attest, that has thrusted herself and her family into the public realm. More important, never mind the fact that Palin built her entire sideshow of a political career out of cutthroat backstabbing and shameless gossip, or flagrantly mocked the work of Martin Luther King and Gandhi at the Republican National Convention. Please accept my apology, Sarah.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

2009-06-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.

Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer, eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes little Governor Bobby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided. But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

2009-06-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

The primary election kick-off commenced with the customary formalities: hordes of supporters and their cheery children, smiling and dancing with unrestrained excitement about their ineligibility to vote; swaths of aging, broad-shouldered union workers donning more pins and buttons than a waitress at Fridays; devoted staffers and selfless volunteers; and all the movers and shakers, while only comprising a scintilla of the audience, could make one phone call and have the entire crowd bulldozed over and tax audited for the remainder of their adult lives.
Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.

Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor
Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s
America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer,
eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes littlen Governor Booby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided.
But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

North Korea seriously misunderstands Memorial Day

2009-05-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up this memorial day to news abounding on North Korea’s provocative missile launch and I must say, could we please give North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il what he really wants: a Hollywood movie deal. It would be refreshing to see the pariah leader make a two-hour bomb as opposed to a short-range one. Maybe even convince Judd Apatow to produce and Seth Rogan to star in, Super Juche.

The international community condemned the missile launch. Well, Russia actually expressed concern. Really, concern? I believe you express concern when one falls down or bumps their head, not when a dictatorial leader launches a missile. There are some that construe the launch as a direct message to Washington, which has devoted much of its focus to dealing with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Last year, a lot of people from Seoul and Washington visited Pyongyang telling Kim and his people that once Obama was in the White House, the U.S. was going to be a totally different entity to deal with," said Lee Dong-bok, a senior associate in Seoul for the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS). Adding,"but it's not working out that way. That's the reason North Korea is acting in such an erratic manner. "

("Just in case you forgot, I am still here and even a bigger dick than before. Now who is down for a round of strip missile launch?")

Michael Steele pulls back calling the Democratic Party the democratic socialist party.

2009-05-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

Occasional politician and RNC spokesman by day and hip-hop legend by night, Michael Steele recently issued a memo opposing the renaming of the republican party because it would "accomplish little than to give the media and our opponents the opportunity to mischaracterize Republicans."

Mischaracterize the party of fiscally irresponsible, manichean, dogmatic, trollish authoritarian, jingoistic, war and fear mongering, bigoted bible thumping, socially and culturally backward, queer bashing, global warming denying, eco-anarchist, AK-47 touting Limbaughts?? We certainly wouldn't want to put a negative spin on that. Finding a pragmatic and sound solution to the massive global economic crisis invidiously sabotaging the economic well-being of every American through reasoned debate and consensus-building is, quite seemingly, out of the question. Who has the time for such frivilous matters when the republican sub-committee on a national security is still trying to reach a decision on whether Dijion mustard on burgers constitutes treason.

Earth to Earth Day

2009-05-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

One Swine Day

2009-04-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

The country was put into consternation over the weekend with reports of 40 instances of Swine Flu in America, with Mexico, the illness’s country of origin, reporting 149 deaths.

("Move over lettuce, peanuts, spinach, peppers, mad cows and slightly irritated cows, SARS and Paris Hilton, Monkey Pox, South American Beetles, and infected birds...there’s a new slippery slope de jure in town being convienenly airlifted to your dinner table.")

Swine flu is a respiratory disease, caused by influenza type A which infects pigs and listeners of Rush Limbaugh. It has hither/to not normally infected humans, but the latest form visibly does, and can be spread from person to person - probably through coughing and sneezing.

("Does that mean I gots to calls my health guy when I sneeze pork grinds")

Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose. Much like the seasonal version of the flu, the "swine" version is readily manageable by getting an RX for Tamiflu and Relenza from your walking blue pad. Of course the drug must be administered early in order to be effective.

The flu is a mutagenic disease and therefore will always poise a threat prevented, so lets please stop the post 9/11 hysteria and think rationally about what is preventable. For example, government oversight and strict regulation of agri-business. For eight solid years the bush Administration severely weakened and diluted every single environmental and biological safeguard on the books in order to maximize corporate profits. In addition to altering a section of the Endangered Species Act to allow oil drilling and other infrastructure projects to move forward on federal lands without consulting biological habitat experts, allowing the Department of Labor to propose a rule that would weaken how the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) calculate on-the-job risk, the Bush Administration gave a bigger gift to biotech industry when they weakened oversight of genetically engineered crops. Hell, it’s a widely known fact that Bin laden devours Arugula lettuce and anyone who doesn’t red meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner supports terrorism.

And while the welfare of the public and maximization of optimal health is a fundamental touchstone of a robust democracy, it is even greater that Joe Blow practice preventive medicine. You cannot turn on the nightly news without being inudanated with commercials of Americans farting, belching, and bellowing

(But the talking picture box said that we can eat a burger the size of Jupiter only if we take Nexium so bring out the NASA-sized grille!!")

The very nature of those commercials is to superficially conceal the symptoms as your health deteriorates o as to maintain the pharmaceutical industries iron grip on the status quo of healthcare. Hey, it’s not like I don’t indulge in these otherwise deleterious activities on occasion, but I’m just saying that a lot of us do it blindly and think that it’s perfectly okay.

My exchange with Twentieth Century Fox

2009-04-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

So last month I was told by the legal team at a new media site that my well-recieved contest entry was flagged due to copyrighted material. Basically, I used the charater images from Family guy to bring life to my voiceover impersonations. Well, after repeatedly being told to go fuck myself by pretend lawyers, I decided to reach out to the devil himself at Twentieth Century Fox. And let me just say that the devil is much more prompt and punctual then pretend lawyers, but I suppose that is just how pretend hell works. Anyway, I am including the freshly faxed letter I just received from one of Fox's minions.

Thank you for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("Fox"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials. Because this decision was made based upon internal, and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration. Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647.

Thank you for your interest in licensing Fox material and good luck with your project.

Sincerely,
Andy Bandit

Now as someone who rather enjoys editing,allow me to me clean up some of those pesky typo-s.

Fuck You for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("The Second Death Star"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials, including Michael J. Fox and Matthew Fox. Because this decision was made based upon internal (a.k.a, a super computer with a laugh track), and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration; in fact, it was given just as much thoughtful consideration as the writing for "Til Death". Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647. Fuck you for your interest in licensing Fox material and take your little insignificant project and shove it up your little insignificant ass.

Regulation? Fuget about it!

2009-03-27T04:31:00.000-07:00

The Ceos of mob mentality, Fox News, hire a former mobster to compare keynesianism to a fictional crime drama. How telling of where conservative thought is at the moment when their intellectuals are an unlicensed plumber, a Milf, a fat drug addict, and a formerly convicted mobster...just keeps getting better all the time.

If the following video didn't cause you to suddenly hang yourself with the cord (sorry wireless) mouse, then you have officially been immunized from Fox News. Horray!

Okay, now lets see if I have the mind set of Fox News and the Republican party down.

1, Spying on people with no warrants? Homo says what?

2, Arresting Americans and holding them indefinitely without charges? Homo says what?

3, Deliberately cook intelligence and mislead American public into illegal war to build permanent bases and pizza huts in Mesopotamia and better Haliburton's bottom line? Homo says what?

4, Blindly send American Servicemen into battle with no post invasion plans, keep them in perpetual combat while slowly bleeding their funding with a private mercenary army bent on killing for profit? Homo says what?

5, Purge Us attorneys for petty partisan reasons, like they refuse to allow you to raid their ACORN branches before a major election? Homo says what?

6, Manipulate the ballot, instill voter intimidation, purge the voter rolls, and essentially make elections unverifiable? Homo says what?

7, Flagrantly violate the Geneva Conventions with Black Op rendition camps and institute a policy of torture? Homo says what?

8, Give tax breaks to your wealthiest contributors and no-bid contracts to your golf chums? God Bless America, you say?

9, Attempt to regulate Wall Street to prevent another AIG (Annuities in Guano) from bringing the entire planet’s economy to its knees like a Iraqi at Abu Grab the next time some bloated, fat cat jackass decides to play the Superball lottery with your hard-earned savings? The terror! The Reds are coming, the Reds are coming!! To the gallows!! Grab your torch and pitchfork, we aint going to take it anymore!!

I am so relieved we have a Tony Soprano wannabe articulating our policy!

AIG and Angry Bob

2009-03-26T00:53:00.000-07:00

I'll readily admit that I would sooner see Dysentery coupled with Cherry Garcia before Angry Bob and AIG, but in today's hysterical times the line between reality and fiction is so unbelievably blurred that you need Dr. Manhattan's superior vision in order to see it. The fallout from Wall Streets risky business and rapacious greed has brought the country, its elected officials, and evens its comedians to their knees; consequently, making AIG (Annuities in Guano)and its odious, ever-so vacuous gaggle of henchmen about as popular with the American taxpayer as Audit Tuesday. Whenever tragedy and idiocy strike at the heart (assuming we didn't sell it to China) and soul (assuming we didn't sell it to Saudi Arabia) of the American polity, comedians have always raced to the occasion as the white knights of satire who are armed only with sarcasm. Of course today’s comedian is a d-student, foulmouthed, unoriginal frat boy/sonority girl, catapulting to fame with their phenomenally hackneyed and breathtakingly insipid observations that make Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian seem like Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon. However, one brave mordant mastodon with more wit than chins proved that sharp-edged satire is more relevant and even more sorely needed now than ever before.

Instead of focusing on the 163 billion in monies that snakes on private planes misappropriated in given away willy nilly to Henry Paulson's old chums at Goldman Sachs, certain individuals in the sexy, downloadable realm of new journalism (individuals who wikipedia J-School) would rather you misdirect your populist outrage and shoot the merry messenger. It seems as though Jason Jinkins, a reporter with the Huffington Post, posted an article entitled "CNN CALLER SAYS AIG EXECS SHOULD BE SHOT" – where he took what Angry Bob said in jest as something sincere, failing to see the painfully obvious humor behind it, not to mention the fact that Angry Bob has been billed as a COMEDIAN on Rick Sanchez's program on CNN. Moreover, the man's first name is freakin’ Angry! So either he's a COMEDIAN or his parents never referred to the Big Book of Baby Names, but I am going to have to go with the former for 1000, Alex. Worse yet, the hack with a high speed connection has completely and utterly silenced Angry Bob from offering an explanation and even flagging all of his comments on the blog itself. Not even the E isengruppen Nazi Germany death squad could silence Angry Bob, so I am really curious to see how some talentless, humorless amateur with a Mac Air plans to do so. Im short, I am downright appalled to see the Huffington Post– one of the last vestiges of informed debate and unbiased reporting–besmirch Angry Bob by doing the very thing it so vehemently lambasts– twisting the facts and turning non stories into news.

Bill Maher's Ode to Government

2009-03-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

If the past eight years haven't convinced you that government under a ruthless cabal of oligarchs and plutocrats, forever beholden to the pertrowhores, defense skanks, and wall street hustlers probably DOESNT have the will of the people in mind when they consign your children's children's children to a life of debt and zero prosperity, then you should probably ask your doctor if thorzine is right for you.

Prior to eight years of Hee-Haw and Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life, I used to be of the argument that government was a living, breathing Leviathan that needed to be kept as minimal as possible. Fast forward to the present, the economy is deeply mired in a recession that Republicans largely helped create, home values are declining, credit is drying up, and the only Americans with stable employment all work at the unemployment office.

Enter Bill Maher

Watch comedian Bill Maher as he brilliantly points out republicans hypocrisy and idiocy in response to President Obama's stuimulus and budget package.

The Stimulus Package and Republicans Hypocrisy

2009-02-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

Despite stiff opposition (or is it opposition from stiffs) from Senate and House Republicans, the $787bn stimulus package passed and was just signed by President Obama (love writing that) earlier today. Now, the entire GOP vehemently opposed this package on grounds that it was loaded with unnecessary spending on pet projects, resulting in many changes to accommodate them. I will readily admit that there were some expensive and unnecessary spending provisions in the original bill. But I would be criminally insane to believe republicans posturing when they ordered vast amounts of spending on pork back in 2005.

With a little research and a lot of red bull, I was able to find some unrelated details on then House majority leader Tom Delay and his fellow Republicans history of diverting federal monies to ridiculous special projects in order to ensure re-election.

$25,000 to study Mariachi music in Nevada (To be fair, Mariachi is known to improve a golf swing.)

$1.5 million for an Alaskan bus stop with heated sidewalks and electronic signs(To pick up a guy and his caribou?)

$75,000 set aside for the Paper Industry International Hall of Fame in Appleton, Wisconsin( that's 75,000 dollars for something that ulitmtaely winds up in Dick Cheney's shredder.)

$100,000 for a film festival in Rochester, New York.(Since when does a Republican appropriate money for something of aesthetic value?)

$50 million for an indoor rainforest in Iowa.(I guess they figured "we already slashed the original one..." )

$18,000 for a smoking booth at a private New Jersey airport.(Okay, this one actually makes sense [insert smoker's cough].)

$200,000 for a peanut festival in Alabama(for all those herds of elephants in Alabama, perhaps?)

$200 million to build a bridge from Ketchikan, Alaska to a nearby island with 50 inhabitants better known as "the bridge to nowhere".(Apparently, constructing a bridge that connects RNC Headquarters to the Cayman Islands proved to be too costly.)

Obama Press Conference Answers Three Grade-Levels Higher Than Bush's First

2009-02-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

Considering that the discourse of politicians, the coverage of the MSM, and the attention span of the public reach a combined level of an autistic puppy, I was enormously shocked to see that George Bush--a man who speaks like a drunk paraplegic walks on ice--scored at a 7th grade level on his first press conference and that Obama scored only three grades higher than him. Either this blogger's Word software was developed by Karl Rove or we are all seriously misunderestimating the man who cannot pronouce nuclear. Check out the results below taken from Mark Nickolas's blog at political base

(Obama's Results)

(Bush's Results)

The Wasilla Hillbillies

2009-02-02T19:32:00.001-08:00

Posted on 01/18/2009

According to Gawker, a barely literate MySpace message was left regarding Sarah Palin snubbing the family of Levi Johnston, the burly, dewey-eyed simpleton who knocked up Bristol, because apparently they're "white trash." Pardon the cliche, but that is like the pot calling the kettle cheap, tawdry garbage.

The message was supposedly left by Mercede Johnston, Levi's 18-year-old sister, on the page of Mellissa Wilfong, a former Wasilla resident who now lives in Florida, to tell her about an upcoming trip to Orlando, according to Gawker.

I have seen Pollock paintings that were less chaotic than the grammatically bankrupt writing of Mercede, whom I’m guessing is best friends with Lexu. I swear the inhabitants of Wasilla are descendants of H.G Wells’s fictional Eloi.

Get dangerously drunk and read the message below

If you're abstaining from alcohol, then here is a translation courtesy of Gawker:

"Levi is in a bit of a haze right now... Umm, I'm not allowed to see my nephew and my mom isn't either. We aren't Palins so therefore we are white trash and Bristol doesn't want her baby around us. So mom and I are really upset over it. I just hope Levi pulls his head out of his butt and lets us see our nephew and her grandbaby."

Phelps Caught with pot: Scheduled to endorse Cheetos

2009-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

800 billion surplus died in the Senate? Nope. Our newly anointed African American president assassinated? Not nearly as important. The horrific news that is sure to shock and terrify our nation's people for decades to come is the news that Michael Phelps, an Olympic hero, was caught hitting a bong or "cannabis pipe" as the ridiculously pc media called it. Big..fucking...deal! Now, if you were to tell me that he was found felching a twelve year old orphan with down syndrome, I still probably wouldn't give a shit; but I would at least be shocked if the media used 'Felch' in the headline.

(Looks more like a penis pump than the pot smokers all time favorite apparatus)

So the archetype for Ben Stiller's lovable character Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder has engaged in act in which 30 percent of college students aged 18-25 in the year 2008 have engaged in.

Our merciless laws and complete and utter irrational attitude toward the plant that provided us with the soundtrack to our weddings intimidated this sheepish star of the pool so much that he was forced to apologize in a manner befitting a Nazi war criminal.

"I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again," said Phelps.

Well, according to NORML, nearly 47 percent of Americans have acted youthful at least once in their lifetime. And as Norman Kent, a Fort Lauderdale lawyer and board member of NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, scoffed: ``More people died last year from eating spinach than smoking pot.

Obviously, I am not positing that reckless and irresponsible usage of this ever-so magical plant (try it and you just might find god) isn't inherently possible; however, I am flat out saying that Michael Phelps, despite being regarded as some fucking Atlas with fins, is in fact a 23 year old and should be treated as such. Now can we please go back to the latest real celebrity with a meth addiction

Republicans Singing and Dancing in the Economic Shit Storm

2009-01-31T14:08:00.000-08:00

Right now, the new era of bipartisanship in Washington is more unilateral than Bush’s foreign policy.

The massive stimulus package passed the House with zero Republican votes. Obama, who had hoped for a widely supported bill, got stonewalled despite doing three things: (1) fashioning roughly 1/3 of the package out of tax cuts, which the GOP loves; (2) going to the House Republican caucus and asking for their input; and (3) pulling provisions from the bill that Republicans didn't like (IE, money for humans)House Republicans acknowledged all of this, thanked the president, talked trash about the Democrats and voted against the bill anyway. Obama kindly offered the republicans an olive branch and extended them a place at the table of ideas, and in typical fashion the republicans did what they do best in breaking the constructive branch into a billion little pieces and kicked around the sandbox until daddy Obama and mommy Pelosi bought them tax cuts. The flagrant obstructionism of the republican leadership is breathtaking, considering for the past eight years they have been all but reticent and voiced absolutely no objections to the reckless spending on the Iraq war and pork (IE, bridge to nowhere). In fact, Bush presided over the biggest annual growth rates in discretionary spending over the last 45 years. And Bush apologists love to claim that he had no choice to expand military spending to combat terrorism at home and abroad. But the dying breed of irrelevants fail to recognize that he also increased both nondefense spending and mandatory programs enormously. Indeed, they looked the other way while their psychopathic leader drove us to the point where we are now so long as their constituencies received earmarks.

The irony is we wouldn’t even need this ridiculously costly package had only the Republicans fought with the same fervent passion over the Iraq war. And like a cheating husband who just got caught with three strippers after years of pleasure, now they want to talk about what killed their marriage. I am referring of course to the staggering national debt. Not once did they voice a single objection like this when Bush was at the helm. The hypocrisy is going to put me in Bellevue. The fact of the matter is the republicans, defeated and barely relevant, are cynically partaking in petty partisanship to increase their viability in 2010.

So what does Obama do now?

Play the Populous card. Did the Barackstar somehow forget that he's the guy with his face on more merchandise than Donald Trump, and that his soaring popularity recently elevated him to the highest office in the land–next to Oprah Winfrey–with a mandate for change? And that Republicans, who have a popularity rating equivalent to Keith Richards’s blood count, got their stupid asses handed to them on an Obama collector’s plate in November? It would behoove President Obama to capitalize on this goodwill in the media. Much like Woodrow Wilson, another wildly popular president with immaculate oratorical skills, did with his league of nations President Obama should take to the airwaves in the internets and use that commanding yet calm and professorial style of his in explaining the significance behind this stimulus package, including all the tiresome labors he put into making it bipartisan. Even though the Republicans do such a good job all by themselves, Obama needs to make the Republicans appear as they are, which is a bunch of kids in high school who were abysmally underachieving social bullies with no sense of direction disrupting the classroom to attract attention. So what if it turns into a war of the words — who is the public going to sympathize with, Obama or John Boehner–a perennially tanned douche named after an erection. (Especially considering the public is strongly behind massive stimulus.) Obama doesn't have to create bipartisanship by acquiescing to GOP demands. He can create bipartisanship by making these intransigent little children think twice before defying an adult.

Cheney in a wheelchair: The comedy gods are alive and well

2009-01-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON — Ex (chills) Vice-President Dick Cheney has arrived at the U.S. Capitol in a wheelchair for the inauguration of Barack Obama.

Cheney was wheeled out behind President George W. Bush to take his place alongside dignitaries that included former Vice Presidents Al Gore Dan Quayle and Walter Mondale.

The White House says Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes. He and his wife are moving into a new home outside Washington in McLean, Va. His doctor recommended that he use a wheelchair for the next couple of days.

All he needs is an eyepatch and dark leather gloves and the transformation to Dr. Strangelove will be complete. Cheney in a wheelchair was the headline and I was really hoping it was a typ-o for Cheney in handcuffs. I was really shocked to see Cheney in wheelchair , considering he eats embryos for breakfast everyday. Three major heart attacks with a pig’s heart, an assassination attempt, and yet moving cardboard boxes was his downfall. Don’t believe it for one second. I am willing to bet you all of Haliburton and Blackwater’s stock that he was faking the injury just so he wouldn’t have to stand and applaud the new administration. In brief, an apt metaphor for such an injurious administration.