Mike Huckabee Back on the SUV Wagon

Folksy, former fat ass governor of Arkansas and 2008 GOP Primary Pimp, Mike Huckabee, spring boarded (used with reinforced steel) to political fame after dropping a couple thousand pounds on some weird and bizarre regimen, which I believe they call diet-and-exercise.

However, it seems as though the Huckster has traded his corny joke book and acoustic guitar for a palate of Twinkies as he says he is falling off the wagon

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.” ~Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee is beginning to realize that being thin is so liberal elitist, and if he stands a chance against Rush Limbaugh in the race for whacked out Conservative standard-bearer, he is going to have return to his former corpulent self.

(Barbershop Quartet or Cracker-Barrel Waiters? And this is the guy who denies gravity? Smile and say backwoods, morbidly obese, clod hopping church fanatics!! )

Why I hate some (all) Vegans

Is it just me or are Vegans annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots that tout the writings of deceased annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots. I have never encountered one I didn't want to impale with a hyperdermic phalanx. Not only do some of their radical, loony, eco-terrorist actions compel me to eat baby cows, but they make me want to slaughter them as well. Moreover, I tend to think that if animals had the ability to reason, they would prefer to be devoured at a rodeo or whipped at a circus than have to endure a nanosecond of being in the company of Vegans. For my part, the majority of Vegans just strike me as angsty, rich white teenagers– upset and brooding in their domiciles– because daddy wouldn't let them go to a Radiohead concert.

In short, I have nothing but complete and utter contempt and disdain for their useless existences. Nothing screams rational political discourse and effective PR quite like t-shirts for children that feature rabbits with their eyes burned out. Even though I occasionally eat meat when its convenient to do so, I'm an educated, animal friendly environmentalist and agree wholeheartedly that the mass production and consumption of meat and meat by-products is destructive to both the environment and the national health (IE, high insurance premiums to treat heart disease and morbid obesity).

But venicen is just so god dam
mouth-watering

--Enter PETA

Okay, in the hopes of avoiding those pesky and embarrassing straw man and ad hominem fallacies, I will desperately attempt to voice my distaste for PETA without succumbing to such insipid epithets as "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals". I will readily admit that they do go work. I would probably have to pay a fee in order to view a naked Eva Mendes.

But seriously, since its inception PETA has indeed helped otherwise helpless animals escape the inexorable sad fate allotted to their non-moral standing status. But then they negate a thousand good deeds by being bat-shit crazy in their behaviour. For example, PETA most recently demonstrated that it has the heart of America's massive, thriving Ahimsa Jainist citizenry in mind when they protested President Obama going all Daniel LaRusso on a fly during a interview.

The ironic thing is that if it flew on Joe Biden, the fly would probably just
kill itself

How can we trust this man is truly for hope and change when he has the gall to so callously take away the wondrous and prosperous life of a fly as though it were, um, a fly?

So while I agree they have done SOME good work--albeit in the shittiest bedside manner imaginable-- their aggressive campaigns have put people off to their cause as opposed to attracted them.

But getting back to the primary targets of this diatribe...

Assuming I ever do overcome my intractable Omni-dilemma and assuage my seemingly innate penchant for red meat and chicken, I'm gong to call myself a herbivore. You know, kind of like how rational voters call themselves Libertarians.

Obama signs anti-smoking Bill into law

President Obama recently signed into law a sweeping new power to limit nicotine in the cigarettes that kill nearly a half-million people a year, and to drastically curtail ads that glorify tobacco and to ban flavored products aimed at spreading the habit to young people.

President Obama, a smoker himself (his lungs are apparently too black to be president)struggling wto quit, gladly signed the bill and celebrated by lighting up a flavor full stick of, um, Arugula?

(This cigarette contains hope)

Here's a breakdown of the law:



•Creates a tobacco control center within the FDA and gives the FDA authority to regulate the content, marketing and sale of tobacco products to protect public health.


Becasue the FDA proved so capabale and compentent in regulating dog food, meat, pork, and every single pharmaceutcial in the driking water supply, so why should they be any less competent in regulating tobacco.



.•Requires tobacco companies and importers to reveal all product ingredients and seek FDA approval for any new tobacco products.


Wait, you're telling me these things don't contain fairy dust and puppy's breath? I'd take my chances with a crisp, cool unfiltered Camel than anything served in fast-food restaurants.



•Allows the FDA to change tobacco product content to protect the public health.


The most effective and very much needed law to protect the public health would be to ban Glen Beck



•Bans the use of flavors, including candies and fruit flavors, in tobacco products.


I'm sure they would think differently if they ever sucked down the glorious medley of flavors in a Bubblegum Light



•Strengthens warning labels.


Here's a working label: "We, the federal government, are a Leviathan. We know what's best for you and we want to inhibit your adult, individual choice and encroach upon your unalienable right to hack incessantly behing a dumpster in the dead of winter. We are totally cool with collecting whopping revenues, though, and arbitraily rasing the sin tax whenever we cannot balance the budget. We so vehemently don't want you to smoke that we need you to smoke so we can adequately fund SCHIP."


•Bars the use of expressions such as "light, "mild" or "low" that give the impression that a tobacco product poses less of a health risk and limit the amount of nicotine and tar in cigarettes.


Okay, ultra lights and lights are tantamount to former president Bush's Clear Skies Act and environmentally-friendly drilling. In other wards, if you smoke said products with the belief that you are somehow making a less lethal choice, then you deserve lung cancer. The bigger issue, of course, is smokers will obviously smoke MORE if the FDA reduces the amount of nicotine in a cigarette tobacco.



Now, while I hate believing anything that reflects the thinking far right-wing nutjobs, I still must say that the government cannot protect me from me. Moreover, no single person can make someone quit-- not by capricious rules, not nanny-state interference, and not by not by taxes. In short, it is incumbent upon the individual to consider his/her flouresecent yellow teeth, shortness of breath, and dwindling funds to make the bold and brave decision to quit. fuck it! Just purchase them overseas from Russia or Moldova.


Let's call this law and its supporters in Congress what it really is, a cynical pr stunt for morally righteous politicians to feel good about themselves while still gladly taking in revenues from the tobacco industry.

Palin seriously prepares for 2012 Presidential Run by attacking Late-Nite host

Taking time away from her hectic and substantive schedule of creating future meth addicts, smiling for the camera, shooting endangered species, and raiding the RNC's war chest on Neiman Marcus clothes that convey Avon saleswoman gravitas gosh darn it, Sarah Palin vented against funny man David Lettermen for having the unmitigated audacity of presenting a satirical item written by one his "Top Ten List" WGA staffers.

Among the typical melange of relatively good-natured jabs, one item on the list apparently proved so "unmavericky" and policy-driven that it provoked a dyspeptic response from Palin herself....

"What a commentary there," Palin said of the comment during an
interview on conservative host John Ziegler's Los Angeles-based radio show. "That's pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman."

As you know, failing to see the glaringly obvious in nearly every aspect of politics and culture is the mantra of the GOP; therefore, it isn't especially shocking that Palin failed to see the relevance in topical comedy shows poking fun at whomever is in the news.

The bigger story (apparently right-wing nut jobs killing innocent people is so cliche) is over Lettermen poking fun at her ultra-loose daughter Bristol.

Oh Sarah! Since you perpetually keep yourself in the news, constantly reminding us that we came within a broken hip of having Bible Spice behind the red button, you're more fair game than wolves. We should be ever-so grateful to Lettermen, for reminding the miserably uninformed that intelligent Americans can't allow a barely literate extremist to speak for real Americans.

I will conclude by saying I am a topical comedian; therefore, I'm absolutely barred from making funny yet pointed and smart commentaries as well as silly jabs abut any public figure in the news. I feel that I must apologize to Bush and his cabinet for steering our country into the garbage barge over the last 8 years. Never mind the fact that many GOP comedians made lewd and hurtful remarks about Bill Clinton getting a BJ or that Palin, an obvious farce of a candidate that even ice fishing Eskimos in Greenland can attest, that has thrusted herself and her family into the public realm. More important, never mind the fact that Palin built her entire sideshow of a political career out of cutthroat backstabbing and shameless gossip, or flagrantly mocked the work of Martin Luther King and Gandhi at the Republican National Convention. Please accept my apology, Sarah.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

The primary election kick-off commenced with the customary formalities: hordes of supporters and their cheery children, smiling and dancing with unrestrained excitement about their ineligibility to vote; swaths of aging, broad-shouldered union workers donning more pins and buttons than a waitress at Fridays; devoted staffers and selfless volunteers; and all the movers and shakers, while only comprising a scintilla of the audience, could make one phone call and have the entire crowd bulldozed over and tax audited for the remainder of their adult lives.

Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.

Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer, eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes little Governor Bobby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided. But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

The primary election kick-off commenced with the customary formalities: hordes of supporters and their cheery children, smiling and dancing with unrestrained excitement about their ineligibility to vote; swaths of aging, broad-shouldered union workers donning more pins and buttons than a waitress at Fridays; devoted staffers and selfless volunteers; and all the movers and shakers, while only comprising a scintilla of the audience, could make one phone call and have the entire crowd bulldozed over and tax audited for the remainder of their adult lives.
Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.


Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor
Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s
America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer,
eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes littlen Governor Booby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided.
But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

North Korea seriously misunderstands Memorial Day

I woke up this memorial day to news abounding on North Korea’s provocative missile launch and I must say, could we please give North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il what he really wants: a Hollywood movie deal. It would be refreshing to see the pariah leader make a two-hour bomb as opposed to a short-range one. Maybe even convince Judd Apatow to produce and Seth Rogan to star in, Super Juche.

The international community condemned the missile launch. Well, Russia actually expressed concern. Really, concern? I believe you express concern when one falls down or bumps their head, not when a dictatorial leader launches a missile. There are some that construe the launch as a direct message to Washington, which has devoted much of its focus to dealing with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Last year, a lot of people from Seoul and Washington visited Pyongyang telling Kim and his people that once Obama was in the White House, the U.S. was going to be a totally different entity to deal with," said Lee Dong-bok, a senior associate in Seoul for the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS). Adding,"but it's not working out that way. That's the reason North Korea is acting in such an erratic manner. "

("Just in case you forgot, I am still here and even a bigger dick than before. Now who is down for a round of strip missile launch?")