Cluck U America! Cash for Cluckers

While state-run GM is successfully convincing America's socially backward, unread shittards that trading in their aging, antediluvian gaz-guzzlers for brand spanking new ones will spawn future growth (in debt collection that is), PETA--the naked Eva Mendes org--is capitalizing on the wildly popular government program with one of its own.

Cash for cluckers is aimed at helping the environment by convincing America to abstain from partaking in one of its favorite activities next to race baiting--filling their mammoth gullets with dead chicken carcass coated with that ever-so natural and organic high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil batter. The idea is to get America's fattest and dumbest to abstain from supporting an industry that produces more greenhouse gasses than all the SUVs, cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined...and that's just before it's digested!

The program offers a $1 rebate to non vegetarians who purchase vegetarian "chicken" products. Yeah! So after taking out a mortgage to pay for the vegan products, I get to spend another 44 cents to mail in my receipt and they give me a dollar for a whopping net gain of 54 cents ! This sounds vaguely familiar to some heartfelt but ultimatley futile program

"Driving a fuel-efficient car is a step in the right direction, but to be truly 'green,' it's best to adopt a vegetarian diet," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "We hope that 'Cash for Cluckers' provides the stimulus and the inspiration people need to make the switch to a healthy, humane, and Earth-friendly vegetarian diet."

Now that is something with which I can get on board, assuming they throw in a naked celebrity wrapped in soy and feature a dancing, cartoonish soy bean.

Fox cancels Family Guy Episode

In typical fashion, 20th Century Fox gave Seth MacFarlane the green light only to rip out the fuse last minute. Apparently a cartoon fetus has just as much right to live. After all, the Family Guy episode may offend the incredibly rational, thoughtful, caring, insightful Glen Beck Fox viewer

The repeal of the Fairness Doctrine proudly gave us Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, but draws the line when it comes to a fictional cartoon.

(Dora the Explorer is an illegal alien lesbian looking to steal your jobs!!)

Please excuse my coarse language, but fuck the Cult of the child! The day parents in America monitor their children's TV/Internet viewing habits is the day I find the lost continent of Atlantis beneath my septic system. In brief, Political Correctness is a hall monitor on steroids that leaves no room for compromise and perpetuates an irrational, unthinking attitude towards anything under the sun, or should I say gaseous orange American.

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit,writes Bill Maher

Editor's Note:

Here is a scintillating piece written by Bill Maher that brilliantly encapsulates he inherent evils in making decidedly noble things, like health care, unrecognizably ignoble by attaching the almighty dollar to them. Now I would love nothing more than to have a wonky policy discussion on some key problems with health care in this country, from too much overhead, litigation, and dollar spent per capita, but I firmly believe that citizens of a developed democratic country should have the fucking right to live--though right-wing nutbolts like Giuliani, who whore themselves out to the insurance companies, love to equate your right to breathe with your right to watch television. Hey, at least he has extended his political vocabulary beyond "9/11!, 9/11!, 9/11!"

Let it be known that I firmly believe in making medicine not-or-profit and returning the decision-making to the guys/gals who went to prominent medical schools, as opposed to people who went to school for two weeks at the University of Phoenix. ENJOY!

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit

Bill Maher

How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money.

The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are. Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves ­-- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.

Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason --­ who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population ­-- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.

Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."

But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.

And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.

But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.

Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.

When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.

And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!

President Obama Rally for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

President Obama Stumps for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

Thursday, July 18th 2009

3:15 pm-- Members of the press passing out in a massive, seemingly endless line into the center, and its not on the account of President Obama but the scorching heat. Audacity of Hope? More like the Audacity of Heat Stroke

3:20 pm-- I just made it through the security check and I didn't even have to take off my shoes...Yes we can!

(These guys are famed for their witty sense of humor)

3:24 pm-- Finally made my way down to the press pool seating area. In retrospect, I probably would've have sat in the blogger section, but then I'd be on the side of the Garden State Parkway.

3:30 pm-- Some state senator approaches the podium and addresses the throngs of exuberant Obamaniacs and their one Corzine fan. She touts and panegyrizes the achievements and accomplishments of Governor Corzine. Yeah, how's about addressing the fact that NJ received more than 17 billion dollars in Federal Stimulus money and yet no free bottled water in sub-Saharan heat.

3:32 pm-- Much to the pleasure of the ultra-partisan crowd, State Senator begins to equate Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for governor, to president Bush. Not surprisingly, the crowd erupted in a raucous of boos. I think Bush is about as popular with the general electorate as flesh eating bacteria

3:36 pm-- Oh my, there appears to be a full-scale chorus singing. The chorus sang mellifluously and were very impassioned, but I fear I was much too much to distracted by the plethora of awkward white guy dancing. Clearly the black part of Obama would be put to shame.

3:45 pm-- Whose Congressman's leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here!

3:46 pm-- Still no Obama or that other guy whom one person came to see.

4:00 pm-- NJ Governor Corzine just made his way up the stage and to the podium and announces that he's a Gay American. But seriously, Governor Corzine begins to address the enthusiastic crowd. What, too hot for sweater vests?

(The geeky, unpopular kid reassures his boisterous guests that the special celebrity he hired will be appearing shortly)

4:02 pm-- Oh my, this man really needs to touch Obama because he has the charisma of a week's old meatloaf. If he isn't the Art Garfunkel to Obama's Paul Simon...

4:05 pm-- The topic of health care--the wheezing 800 pound gorilla in the emergency room--was broached.

4:08 pm-- Governor Corzine panders to his most ardent supporters by playing up his support for unions and working class New Jerseyians.

4:12 pm-- Governor Corzine announces the arrival of his good friend, Hillary Clinton. But seriously, President Obama has arrived!

(Riding the Coattails anyone?)

4:13 pm-- I think I just lost 80 percent of my hearing.

4:14 pm-- President Obama begins to address the sweltering but ebullient crowd of thousands.

4:15 pm-- I don't care one iota if President Obama has back peddled on some of his campaign promises, belied some of his most vehement campaign rhetoric, and sheepishly kowtowed to the banks because he is adorable! He's like puppy's breath and new car scent all put in one! But seriously, President Obama exudes confidence and is highly commanding.

4:16 pm-- Oh no he didn't! I believe President Obama just handed Corzine his coat jacket. I guess Corzine is doing his laundry now.

4:18 pm-- President Obama wastes no time in emphatically declaring Governor Corzine a crucial ally who had helped develop the national economic recovery plan, saving countless jobs, while working wonders on education and health insurance and still cutting the size of state government

(This was once the guy who refused to wear a flag lapel pin, only to appear in front of Rudy Giuliani's pool cover.)

4:20 pm-- President Obama seems very ensnared in his presidential campaign rhetoric and almost forgets that he got the job back in November. His tone is just as fiery and forceful as it was on the stump. Clearly Obama feels most comfortable in this arena than he does in the oval office.

4:25 pm-- Health Care reform is explained no just in terms of the nation as a whole, but to the great many Small business owners suffering from soaring costs here in NJ.


4:30pm-- Enough with all of this trivial health care reform! I want to know why the president hates flys and yellow mustard!!


4:36-- After lauding Governor Corzine for his own efforts in fixing health care, President Obama took this golden opportunity to highlight his own prescription for a workable and affordable health plan. In fact, President Obama took off the gloves and confronted the most vociferous republican and conservative democrat opponents of his health plan by loudly declaring "What's your Plan?!" Kudos!

"What's your Plan?!" ~ President Obama

4:40 PM-- President Obama concludes his 25 minute speech by reaffirming his support for Governor Corzine and thanks the crowd.

Walter Cronkite dead at 92

Legendary newscaster Walter Cronkite was reported dead at the age of 92. Mr. Cronkite was the apotheosis of quality, authoritative news reporting and oozed gravitas and integrity with every newscast. Although he hadn't delivered a newscast in nearly three decades, Walter Cronkite set the gold standard for serious, no nonsense hard news. In a simpler time with only three networks (the big 3), Walter Cronkite was omnipresent and took his relationship with the public incredibly seriously. Covering some of the most extraordinary happenings in our nation's history; i.e., WWII, JFK, and Vietnam, Walter Cronkite was the singular voice presided over some of the most momentous events. And unlike today's 24 hour corporate-owned and ratings obsessed infotainment media, Walter Cronkite's foremost responsibility was always to inform the public….not to talk down to it, incite it, exploit it, entertain it, or sell it to greedy advertisers.

RIP Mr. Cronkite!

Mike Huckabee Back on the SUV Wagon

Folksy, former fat ass governor of Arkansas and 2008 GOP Primary Pimp, Mike Huckabee, spring boarded (used with reinforced steel) to political fame after dropping a couple thousand pounds on some weird and bizarre regimen, which I believe they call diet-and-exercise.

However, it seems as though the Huckster has traded his corny joke book and acoustic guitar for a palate of Twinkies as he says he is falling off the wagon

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.” ~Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee is beginning to realize that being thin is so liberal elitist, and if he stands a chance against Rush Limbaugh in the race for whacked out Conservative standard-bearer, he is going to have return to his former corpulent self.

(Barbershop Quartet or Cracker-Barrel Waiters? And this is the guy who denies gravity? Smile and say backwoods, morbidly obese, clod hopping church fanatics!! )

Why I hate some (all) Vegans

Is it just me or are Vegans annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots that tout the writings of deceased annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots. I have never encountered one I didn't want to impale with a hyperdermic phalanx. Not only do some of their radical, loony, eco-terrorist actions compel me to eat baby cows, but they make me want to slaughter them as well. Moreover, I tend to think that if animals had the ability to reason, they would prefer to be devoured at a rodeo or whipped at a circus than have to endure a nanosecond of being in the company of Vegans. For my part, the majority of Vegans just strike me as angsty, rich white teenagers– upset and brooding in their domiciles– because daddy wouldn't let them go to a Radiohead concert.

In short, I have nothing but complete and utter contempt and disdain for their useless existences. Nothing screams rational political discourse and effective PR quite like t-shirts for children that feature rabbits with their eyes burned out. Even though I occasionally eat meat when its convenient to do so, I'm an educated, animal friendly environmentalist and agree wholeheartedly that the mass production and consumption of meat and meat by-products is destructive to both the environment and the national health (IE, high insurance premiums to treat heart disease and morbid obesity).

But venicen is just so god dam
mouth-watering

--Enter PETA

Okay, in the hopes of avoiding those pesky and embarrassing straw man and ad hominem fallacies, I will desperately attempt to voice my distaste for PETA without succumbing to such insipid epithets as "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals". I will readily admit that they do go work. I would probably have to pay a fee in order to view a naked Eva Mendes.

But seriously, since its inception PETA has indeed helped otherwise helpless animals escape the inexorable sad fate allotted to their non-moral standing status. But then they negate a thousand good deeds by being bat-shit crazy in their behaviour. For example, PETA most recently demonstrated that it has the heart of America's massive, thriving Ahimsa Jainist citizenry in mind when they protested President Obama going all Daniel LaRusso on a fly during a interview.

The ironic thing is that if it flew on Joe Biden, the fly would probably just
kill itself

How can we trust this man is truly for hope and change when he has the gall to so callously take away the wondrous and prosperous life of a fly as though it were, um, a fly?

So while I agree they have done SOME good work--albeit in the shittiest bedside manner imaginable-- their aggressive campaigns have put people off to their cause as opposed to attracted them.

But getting back to the primary targets of this diatribe...

Assuming I ever do overcome my intractable Omni-dilemma and assuage my seemingly innate penchant for red meat and chicken, I'm gong to call myself a herbivore. You know, kind of like how rational voters call themselves Libertarians.