All Hail the Freedom Tray!

Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!

I give you the Freedom Tray!

Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!

If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!

The 10 most annoying Things about Facebook

Okay, so I inadvertently stumbled upon this news feed on, believe it or, AOL and it was surprisingly witty. Yes, I maintain an AOL account solely for spam and Nigerian scams.

At any rate, I came across a facebook harangue that we should not only read, but preach it like it were the fucking Sermon on the Mount! I'm taking the liberty of including some of the sharper complaints, a link to the whole story, as well as a few choice ones of my very own. Enjoy and discuss! More important, READ AND ADHERE!!

1. What's the difference between "News feed" and "Live feed"? And why can't Facebook remember which I prefer? And could we just call it what it really is: facelift

2. Obvious celebrity marketing ploys. Why it's annoying: Celebrities love Facebook -- or so it would seem. But all too often, it's someone writing on their behalf (and often poorly). That doesn't stop avid fans from falling over themselves to 'like' every comment and chime in as though they are actually having a conversation with the celebrity.

In my opinion, the a-list celeb, comedian, or writer is probably
not going to respond from their dumbass Twitterberry (sex act?) nonetheless message you and say how utterly grateful they are that you have a keyboard and high speed connection.

3. (And this is my own) They incredibly lazy, uncreative drudges who simply right "is" in their status updates. It's neither witty or pensive so you're better off just playing Mafia wars, Farmville, or some other pointless shit with which to distract you from your miserable, drab workplace.

4. (And this is my own) Unless you're actually a student of politics, have worked on campaigns, hold degrees in politics or journalism, or actually contribute to the political discussion by writing and/or contributing to a viable, legitimate online news source (and commenting on some lame ass blog doesn't count), I could care less about your stance on health care reform. If there's anything worse than a fundamentally wrong, poorly argued position that's laced with fallacies and unsubstantiated facts and substantive quotes, it's having to endure some dilettante pontificate on matters about which they no little if anything. Oh, and inputing a search term into Wikepedia doesn't make you fucking Henry Clay, Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Paul Krugman, John Stuart Mill, Noam Chomsky, or Milton Friedman. I realize that echelon may seem helter-skelter, and that some of these political minds are rather douchey, but they are MINDS. And you really cannot do this when you're playing Farmville or tagging a picture of your dumbass in a bikini in front of a mirror. Doing so would make you a mirror skank, not a politico.

For the actual article, click here , assuming my commentary wasn't just as lame;)

Parodying Palin is like Spearfishing out of a barrel

Since no living creature with more than two chromosomes can tolerate a nanosecond of opportunistic, vapid, empty-headed, blithering, babbling Bible Spice hawk her illiterate ghostwritten (will have to be ghost READ as well) piece of shit to boost Oprah's ratings, the brilliant comedic minds once again exposed the sideshow circus act made into a celebrity for what she really is in two separate but equally hilarious segments.

Jon Stewart rips the moron on a new one

Conan rips the moron a new one

Then read about all the blatant falsehoods in her illeterate, ghostwritten piece of shit

The book you should read!

Snuggies for dogs: Why should YOU only look like a douche

So I realize this post may come as a radical departure from the usual sharp-edged, wonky socio-political commentary for which I'm most known, but i simply couldn't resist the temptation to bash, smash, and pretty much obliterate any chance that some unsuspecting schmuck might inadvertently stumble upon this abomination. I simply could not allow that. And they say I'm a cold-hearted, cantankerous cynic who cares very little for my fellow coffin stuffers?!

Now, it's safe to assume that we our all familiar with the human version of the snuggie -- a frivolous and needless invention for those of you just not quite thrilled enough by the talking bass.

(Reading seems so much better now that I'm dressed to worship a lazy, societal failure and achieve nirvana by drinking adulterated fruit punch!!!)

Indeed, the Snuggie (puked a little) says that I'm a reckless drug addict and refuse to leave the house, rather than comfort and pleasure. For my part, comfort and pleasure more often than not denote Jack Daniels and blow jobs...not donning attire that would make Morris Day and the Time Blush.

But hey, this is America--we have shoes that light up for kids and pajamas with footsies for adults so why the fuck not!

Folks, I give you the Dog Snuggie (drumroll)....

("Does anybody have Michael Vick's digits?")

While I'm not one to engage in or entertain conspiracy or any inflated paranoid theory for that matter. However, I believe this is one instance in which my rational side falls prey to such machinations. In short, I submit that the Snuggie is slowly but surely morphing into an insidious, formidable Juggernaut with the aim of controlling every American and their dog (American Canine). We'll all still be unemployed--roaming the streets--randomly sending photos of ourselves that only show 1/4 of our faces, but we'll be doing it dressed as the Dali Lama's lazy, stoner cousin who couldn't obtain enlightenment if it showed up in his bong as one hand clapping.

(This actually make me want to hug and kiss a teabagger)

President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize: GOP demands to see the Nobel Committee's Birth Certificate

When the news broke earlier that sitting American (or is it Kenyan or Indonesian?) President Barack Obama was bequeathed with the Nobel Peace Prize, I naturally assumed that Rush Limbaugh's head would explode and the republican party would be stuck with a gargantuan body instead of a party head. Moreover, I instinctively knew that the blogosphere would be buzzing with more republican and conservative invective than democrat or liberal encomium.


Am I really that prescient or do Republicans really hate Barack Obama that much they would put breathing oxygen in abeyance in order to vituperatively criticize President Obama? Hmmmm....

"This fully exposes the illusion that is Barack Obama,"
said conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh . "And with this 'award' the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to not do the surge in Afghanistan, not take action against Iran and its nuclear program and to basically continue his intentions to emasculate the United States... They love a weakened, neutered U.S and this is their way of promoting that concept. I think God has a great sense of humor, too."

Oh Rush, did you run out of Oxycontin refills again?

While us rational Americans have grown accustomed to the bile invective spewed daily from Mr. Limbaugh more effortlessly than potato chip crumbs, some republicans decided that Rush Limbaugh is just too understanding and flirted with invective of their very own.

Eric Erickson of the ever-so enlightening Red State.com had these encouraging words to say,"did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota." I believe Eric followed up by saying African Americans are America's dancingist rape folk while in black face.

Knee-jerk vitriol and racist commentary notwithstanding, the award is baffling some on the left as well.

Michael Mooore, for example, offered his congratulations but boldly declared action as well.

"Congratulations President Obama on the Nobel Peace Prize--Now earn it!" 'Freedom can not be delivered from the front seat of someone else's Humvee. You have to end our involvement in Afghanistan now. If you don't, you'll have no choice but to return the prize to Oslo.'

Indeed, Obama may have made lofty pronouncements such as closing Guantanamo, bringing the troops home from Iraq, want a nuclear weapon-free world, admitting to the Iranians that we overthrew their democratically-elected president in 1953, etc. But he has yet to follow through on those pronouncements with concrete action and, worse yet, is risking escalating a lost cause in Afghanistan by extending outstretched and vitiated troops in a purposeless battle.

Don't believe me, just click here to read about the growing numbers of troops suffering from PTSD.

I realize that President Obama is looking to make up for the fact that Afghanistan and the 'just war' was abandoned by the ruthless Bush Administration to pursue a petty vendetta in Iraq and make billions of dollars in no-bid contracts for their cronies, but 6 years have passed since troops were shifted away from that conflict and the situation has grown increasingly dire for our troops to win. After all, the primary objective for going into Afghanistan was to kill and capture Bin Laden and his key associates, disrupt their vast terror network, and prevent Afghanistan from becoming another hotbed for terrorism.

Has blowback and the situation in Iraq taught us anything?

We are not there to police a nation beset by tribalism and internal conflicts and expect to train a miserably incompetent army at the aegis of a corrupt government. Moreover, an army in which ultimately joins the Taleban anyway

Barack Obama winning the Noble peace prize--something that not even he expected--is certainly momentous and naturally is being lauded by the sane world. But is imperative that we do not allow ourselves to get stuck in the warm and fuzzy clouds of this achievement as we did immediately following the election of Barack Obama. We must ensure that President Obama does in fact earn this prestigious prize.

Megan Fox has an opinion on something so you must care

So the glycerined, tawdry, dog-shit for brains, vapid, one-dimensional flash in the pan tart takes a page inextricably ripped from the play book of the Anti-Obama morons and compares hackneyed director Michael Bay to Hitler. Apparently she was also mean to gaffers. Being in the field of entertainment, I am inclined to immediately support the unflagging efforts and sweat put in by Film and Tv crews...so my bias is transparent. I think its mostly due to the fact that celebrities are fucking morons who can neither read or write. But if there is an actor deserving an opprobrium from a crew, it's Christian Bale.

And I must say that comparing her intellect to rocks is a major affront to rocks.

I had the dubious honor of catching a glimpse of an utterly campy horror movie set to the Myspace era she's in that looks unequivocally craptastic. I know America simply cannot get enough of barely clothed, underage white girls, but there has got to be a statute of limitations on this one. The film is called Jennifer's Body, although it's safe to assume it's Megan's body you are watching. She thought she was going to be the next Angelina Jolie, but it looks like she's going to be the next Denise Richards. Pretty face with very little range, depth, and acting skill. I cannot wait for her next project--a leaked drug-and-booze soaked sex tape.

Military Privatization Gone Wild vol 2: Now with More Poop

Is Hillary Clinton Secretary of State or Paris Hilton? It looks like Just War Theory and the "Good Iraq" just got stripped and eaten potato chips on. According to Reuters, it seems the state department just allocated another $180 million to the private firm. Man, just think of all the prostitutes these morbidly obese, criminally retarded, gun-touting, incestuous demon spawn can get with that scratch. The deranged, bacchanalian behavior exhibited by members of the Afghan American Embassy security contractor ArmorGroup make the soldiers at Abu Grab look like war heroes.

(Defusing Roadside Improvised Bombs and keeping the Taliban at bay really causes a hankering for some beer drinking out of each others unwashed, soiled anuses)

Indeed, our national economy may still be mirred in a recession with the potential for a "double-dip", but the "who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market is booming and growing each and every day.