The Official Unofficial transript of Bible Spice's Teabagger Convention Speech

First and foremost, it should probably be noted that a woman who cannot spell the word spell shouldn't be getting boat loads of Neiman Marcus cash. But I'm sure you already knew that. Oh wait, I forgot that one of the teabagers defining charateristics is that they cannot spell for shit.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

It's no National Secret that Obama is made out of silk.

My all time Fav

So this past weekend Sarah Palin took time out of her busy schedule of trying to convince rational America that she's not Karl Rove's sexbot invention and addressed throngs of her most ardent (only) supporters: a unwashed group of rugged individualists that are utterly ignorant to the hilarious sexual innuendo of their movement and even more ignorant to the underlying message of the original tea party, which I believe was 'no taxation WITHOUT representation' and not 'too much taxation with representation. I'm referring of course to the teabaggers, a untidy fringe group of disgruntled, middle to lower class white Americans that actually benefit from Obama's economic policies but yet seem to think he's Hitler or the joker or whatever criminally idiotic epithets they recently came up with.


While I cannot subject you to the actual transcript of the snow cunt's blithering babble, I decided to break it down for you in a digestable format by including a hillarious summary I picked up from the Immoral Minority blog. Some very funny stuff! I wonder if Sarah Palin had to look to her hand in order to remember the part where she slammed president Obama for using a teleprompter (republican hack talking point)?

Part One:

Hello America...Happy Birthday Ronald Reagan...hello C-Span...kiss teabagger ass...kiss more teabagger ass...slam the media..kiss new Senator Scott Brown's ass (yummy)...slam Pelosi..slam Rahm Emanuel...defend George Bush, give stupid advice to Democrats...kiss more yummy Scott Brown ass...liberal left = establishmt(?)...talks about her gubernatorial race...something about her ideas(?)...tea party movement don't need no stinking leaders....tells insulting teleprompter joke at Obama's expense (Must not have watched him kick a room full of GOP ass with no teleprompter help whatsoever!)...another big wet lip lock on the teabagger butts..

Part Two:

Blames Obama for Christmas day underwear bomber (I wonder who she blames for 9-11?)...repeats lie that reading Umar Abdulmutallab his Miranda rights made him stop cooperating (Somebody needs to channel surf away from Fox News once in awhile)...brings up her son Track and his possible death as a reason to NOT give Abdumutallab any rights...makes case that respecting Abdulmutallab's right to counsel "scares her" for her children (?)...brings back phrase "radical Islamic extremists". (Gee I had so hoped that with the Bush administration gone we had heard the last of that bullshit phrase!)...pisses on Obama's foreign policy decisions...blames administration for missile tests in South Korea (Didn't they do that when Bush was in office too?) and Israel's lack of confidence (Yeah NOW they know that if they attack Iran they may be on their own)...mixes up America and Alaska (THAT will show up on Countdown and the Daily Show next week....wants administration to change course...applauds decision to send more troops into Afghanistan...makes tired old claim that "democracies don't go to war with each other"(Oh yes they do)...quotes John F. Kennedy (who is right now spinning in his grave) to convince Obama not to blame country's problems on Bush...

Part Three:

Talks about when she rejected stimulus money in Alaska...then mentions that her own fellow Republicans overwrote her veto...makes fun of Joe Biden (I bet now he wishes he had kicked her fake tanned ass in that VP debate!)...Without a hint of irony she is dinging the Obama administration for its lack of transparency...now pretending like she understands economic issues..."sweetheart dills?" (When will this woman learn to say "deals? Sounds like she is talking about Valentine's Day pickles!)...unbelievably blames national debt on Obama administration...once again tries to make the point that problems could be solved like a family doing its budget...just tighten your belts...imbecile...again tries to blame the debt on Obama and calls it "generational theft" (Did this woman sleep through the Bush administration?)...Palin, "as the saying goes If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't' be in the circus" (Well if she is looking for a circus she is certainly came to the right place. Just look at all of the clowns.)...Claims that her administration "put government back on the side of the people" (I was one of those people. Trust me, her government was NOT on my side!)

Part Four:

Says that "if government got out of the way" our economy would "roar back to life" (Didn't the Bush administration stay out of the way of big business? I don't remember a roaring economy then, do you?)...recites campaign slogan of an "all of the above approach to energy" (Which is a fancy way of saying "Let's just try everything, but let's give more money to oil and gas companies because they give big to republicans")...and let's relax those regulations for off shore drilling (Cleaning up devastating oil spills is a "job creator" too!)..."How can I help our country?" she asks (You may submit your suggestion in the comments section)...Oh "sit down and shut up", that was MY suggestion!..You don't need an office to make a difference. (Just plastic surgery, a bumpit, and a couple of segments on Fox News.)...Brings up the Constitution as best "road map" (I wonder if she is making a mental note to have Piper read her that document some day?)...Ooh teabaggers jump up when you say "Constitution"...jump little baggers, jump...."Enduring truths" have been passed down from Washington, to Reagan, to you. (Is it my imagination or did she skip a whole buttload of presidents there? Or are those the only ones the baggers recognize?)...Did she just refer to the teabagger movement as "young and fresh"? Is she not seeing the same middle age faces in the crowd that I am seeing?...Oops running out of topics, time to talk about the attacks on her children...Teabaggers go "Boo"...Teabaggers good, and kind, and selfless (Everything that Sarah Palin is not.)...Happy birthday Ronnie!Is talking about Reagan choking her up?...Surely that is an act for the crowd...You know i think we already live in a world where children with special needs are welcomed...and embraced...Do they think only Teabaggers love children?...Oop time to pander...combining Reagan with god is a guaranteed standing "O"... "This movement is about the people" (The people who buy my book, pay me $100,000 to speak here, and who give freely to SarahPAC.)...God bless you teapartiers...You simple, simple teapartiers.

Homeland Insecurity

To anyone credulous enough, to actually believe in government competence and having our best interests at heart, irrespective of party and ideology, allow me to take your rosy red glasses and smash them into an oblivion.

If the Secret Service cant keep wanna be reality stars from crashing the White House, what makes us think the same government is going to prevent some tiny, disgruntled piss ant little terrorist wannabe with explosives in his Shiite stained underoos.

You cannot stop a perverse ideology by looking at child cock and fat white American ass prior to boarding a plane. Seriously, the enhanced airport security in the wake of the botched Christmas terror attack, particularly the proposed body scanners, in fact violate child pornography laws.

Is Herbert from Family Guy now heading the TSA?

We mustn't allow ourselves to think of this as most dispensationalist end of days fundamentalists do; that is, in terms of a winnable "us versus them" eschatology. This is not a winnable war; believing so means that you’re either an elected official looking to score political brownie points or your pharmacy was out of thorzine. I mean, it's the equivalent of thinking you can defeat rape and murder.Such Manichean thinking defined our foreign policy for the past eight years and left us much less safe. Terrorism can only be extenuated and put in check, and doing so is a matter of law & order. Making people strip down, although fun and sexy, will do nothing to stop some whiny, dispossessed douche from becoming radicalized. Religion, for my part, is perhaps more dangerous than guns, but so is propping up a corrupt narco state in Afghanistan.

In short, to all of the dyspeptic conservatives putting their hatred of health care in abeyance, us liberals haven't smoked so much pot that we somehow forgot that, in fact, it took George Bush 6 days to come out and make a statement about Richard Reed deciding to light his shoe to bring an American plane down while over the Atlantic. They also don’t want you to know that there were no military tribunals to try Reed in, because their hero George W. Bush tried both and Jose Padilla in federal court. Indeed, the hypocrisy will make your eyes bleed!

Santa's Soliloquy

"Why go on?" Santa contemplated as he watched the snow fall with a jaundiced eye. "Another insufferable, unremitting winter." Of course, he knew it wasn't just the winter: It was the eternal tedium of flying interminably about earth every year delivering the latest state-of-the-art (Soon-to-be-obsolete) cheap, imported presents; it was the insubordinate little brats who rarely if ever left a morsel of a cookie or a drop of milk; it was nearly going bankrupt trying to pay for Rudolf's cancer treatment for the malignant lymphoma in his nose; it was the internecine struggles between the intransigent elf and reindeer unions; it was having to let go his helpers because apparently the North Pole isn't too big to fail; it was having to see Sarah Palin from his factory; and since his wife left him for the leaner and more fit Kwanza Kareem, the onerous addition of paparazzi incessantly harrassing him. All of this unbearable mess had become an inveterate part of Christmas

Compound this with Prancer's intemperance of being his number 2 guy and Santa was ready to sell his pristine acreage of permafrost to Exxon Mobil. "I should indeed leave this wretched place once and for all," Santa ruminated as he sat intractably in his wooded chair since Mrs. Claus had inherited the Ikea furniture from the divorce. In spite of all of this seemingly ineluctable misery, Santa had an epiphany: "I wonder what the Goldbergs are doing on the 25th?"

press release http://ping.fm/Rgt46

The Nobel Prize has been officially changed to Not George Bush Prize.

http://ping.fm/qv3ng

All Hail the Freedom Tray!

Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!

I give you the Freedom Tray!

Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!

If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!