Where the Glass is half full of Shit

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Chris Christie To The Environment: ‘Screw You’

Despite countless public pronouncements claiming he has ‘no intentions’ of running for president, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made a move that some consider to be that of a man looking to burnish his presidential bona fides and online backup.

Chris Christie has a reputation of being a straight-shooter and claims to be the “anti-politician” with his blunt talk. But Chris Christie might as well have been Mitt Romney when he decided to abandon the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative – a 10-state program to limit greenhouse gases from power plants.

Running for governor in 2009, Chris Christie pledged to become “New Jersey’s No. 1 clean-energy advocate,” which one can only conclude was a more hollow promise than his ‘non-politician’ pledge to lower property taxes.

Is this guy Mitt Romney in a fat suit?
As governor, Christie cut all the money for the Office of Climate and Energy. Having even greater ambitions to compete with his one time buddy George W. Bush on destroying environmental safeguards and resume writer, he then proceeded to take $158 million from the clean energy fund, meant for alternative energy investments, and spent it on website builder. He also withdrew the state from an important lawsuit against electric utilities to reduce emissions, according to The New York Times.

Although those acts demonstrate a glaring disconnect between Campaign Christie and Governor Christie, New Jersey’s decider put the final nail in the Eco-friendly coffin when he abandoned the 10-state initiative in the Northeast. The Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative is a far-reaching program that uses a cap-and-trade system to lower carbon-dioxide emissions from power plants. The program has been wildly successful and actually garnered bi-partisan support in Congress. But as with education and transportation, Christie knows best.

In pulling out of the initiative, Christie has acquiesced to the Tea Party’s complete and utter hatred of policies that resemble cap-and-trade and, in doing so, has shown he isn’t the independent-minded politician he claims to be.

It seems the system works by requiring utilities to either lower their emissions or buy allowances to pollute. Money from the allowances goes to states for clean-energy programs. Since its inception in 2008, it has created more than $700 million for these programs; New Jersey has spent some of its share on helping cities become more energy-efficient. Greenhouse emissions from power plants in the region went down about 12 percent from 2008 to 2010 for many reasons, including lower natural gas prices. Programs like the regional initiative are estimated to have produced more than 10 percent of that decline, according to The New York Times.

Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley (D), a man who’s no stranger to quarreling with Chris Christie, slammed Christie on his decision, saying in a statement, “I am disappointed in Governor Christie’s decision to withdraw from RGGI, and I reject his assertion that the initiative is ineffective in reducing greenhouse gases.”

“RGGI represents an important multi-state effort to address climate change at a time when consensus eludes Congress. … Governor Christie is simply wrong when he claims that these efforts are a failure.”

Christie may have fallen in line with the right-wing’s position on cap-and-trade nationally, but many states are preparing for a cap-and-trade program. So while the loss of New Jersey does deal a severe blow to the program, it most certainly isn’t on its deathbed.

The latest act in Christie’s “Do as I say, not as I do” governing style makes him a perfect match for today’s GOP and, better still, the missing piece to the GOP’s puzzle for the 2012 presidential race.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

I would like to thank the birds who bravely accommodated themselves to the fattening of our equator-like American waistbands, to commemorate how the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions synergized the esprit de corps of vertical food distribution.

Now joyously give thanks by prodigiously shoving a bird shoved up another bird's ass into your gullets!! But not too much that you’re too lackadaisical to trample over some unsuspecting American outside a Walmart, all in the spirit of furthering our international debt on the latest state of the art (soon to be obsolete) piece of cheap, imported crap!

Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

Friday, October 8, 2010

RNC forced to remove West Virginia Ad

The NRSC has been forced to pull an ad from the airwaves and Internets featuring a few hicks at a local diner talking about the Senate race in West Virginia. That the people behind the ad shot the ad in a local diner in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is most shocking. I mean, not being able to find hicks in West Virginia is like not being able to find queer bashers in Texas.

Here’s a breakdown of the casting call:

In brief, it is a sad day in America when today's GOP can't even feign being disingenuous. So very, very tragic indeed.


- We are going for a ‘Hicky’ Blue Collar look. These characters are from West Virginia so think coal miner/trucker looks

- Each character should bring a several options and stay away from all black or all white or thin stripes (thicker stripes and plaid are good)

- Clothing Suggestions:

• Jeans

• Work boots

• Flannel shirt

• Denim shirt

• Dickie’s type jacket with t-shirt underneath

• Down filled vest

• John Deer hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)

• Trucker hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)

• No Thin Stripes

Obviously only them fancy east coast elites can afford dem fancy-schmancy thin stripes. Moreover, whenever I see someone don thin stripes I instantly think he has a phd in Proustian studies.  but the criterion (IE, flannel shirt and denim jeans) gives the impression that they are seeking out lesbians, no?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Gallagher hates gays as much as he does writing material

Okay, so perhaps you're quietly ruminating to yourself: "why on earth is Michael writing about Gallagher?" "Is he still even alive and has he ever learned that only Marcel Marceau can dress like Marcel Marceau?"

(The one on the left doesn't talk yet manages to be more tolerable and funny)

Well, upon realizing that this ass hat is still mastering the brilliant comedic nuances of smashing watermelons and making millions doing--while Carlin, Hicks, and Giraldo are sadly dead-- made me take a second look at this taint in a beret.

According to the Seattle-based blog, Gallagher Is a Paranoid, Right-Wing, Watermelon-Smashing Maniac. 

Brace yourselves folks for some hard-hitting, incisive and comedic genius that makes the wry and sardonic satirical stylings of Steven Colbert look like Larry the Cable guy:

You have your hat backward," Gallagher sneers at a twentysomething man in the front row. "Are you a homosexual? Because it seems you have a problem figuring out the front from the back."  
It gets even more scintillating...

Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say—you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!"
The only logical conclusion behind such sub-moronic bigotry is that in all of those years smashing watermelons, he must have bounced that sledge hammer against his head a couple million times.

click here for original post.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Disposed Domino's Employee Torches Dominos

Okay, so you are probably wondering what exactly it takes to push a peddler of a hot garbage wheels over the edge. Is it the powder blue uniform? Is it poisoning the lazy and idle American citizenry with enough additives and artificial ingredients that make Twinkies look like Vegan cupcakes? Is it having to believe that a hot garbage wheel of cheese is pizza? Or, for the more politically and socially conscious Dominos Employees--as there are simply so many--the fact that the owner and CEO of Dominos will gladly take homosexual and lesbian's money and yet be firmly anti-gay and even give money to anti-gay groups?

Well, it is not single on of those scenarios.

Jamal Thomas, 24, was fired from Domino's earlier this year after getting into a fight outside the store where he worked in the Bronx. It wasn't the fight that got him fired, however.  Rather, it was the fact that he left the store unlocked while employees were inside counting money, which is a "violation" of Domino's "security protocol."

Typically getting fired from Dominos causes one to suddenly take to the streets and dance and sing in a gleeful frenzy, but not this disgruntled Dominoer (word?). It is painfully obvious that such an action calls for setting a string of your former employers' franchises on fire and not taking legal action.

According to the FDNY:

Thomas decided to enact an elaborate, and maybe not particularly logical revenge. First, he began dressing up in his old uniform and visiting other stores, saying he was from a "secret Domino's unit that measured employee satisfaction." (Yes, Dominoes cares about voter satisfaction like Republicans care about the middle class) Then, he broke into two different Bronx locations—on August 22 and September 5—and set fires using "easily combustible items" like pizza boxes.
Um, "secret Domino's unit"? He makes it sound like there is a covert paramilitary group running armed with cinnastix.

On the plus side, by virtue of torching the restaurants Thomas actually made the crust crispy.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Glenn Beck launches his own news site

Crying, deranged loon and Chalkboard enthusiast Glenn Beck did some thinking--in his own unique way-and came to the conclusion that Fox News just simply isn't "Fair and Balanced" enough for him to lead his lizard people on million moron marches, so he launched a propaganda news network of his very own. The site, named The Blaze since apparently RavingParanoidNews.com and the Wackington Post were already taken, which evidently was put together in just two month and is being edited by Scott Baker, a former employee of equally insane douche Andrew Breitbart.

We want this to be a place where you can find breaking news, original reporting, insightful opinions and engaging videos about the stories that matter most,” Beck added. “The Blaze will be about current news — and more. It’s not just politics and policy. It’s looking for insight wherever we find it. We’ll examine our culture, deal with matters of faith and family, and we won’t be afraid of a history lesson.”-Glenn Beck
In other wards, the site will serve as an aggregate for modern-day Shakespeare Sarah Palin's incoherent tweets and Facebook updates as well as the occasional video clip of teabaggers screaming with a Pat Boone song playing in the background.