Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

I would like to thank the birds who bravely accommodated themselves to the fattening of our equator-like American waistbands, to commemorate how the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions synergized the esprit de corps of vertical food distribution.

Now joyously give thanks by prodigiously shoving a bird shoved up another bird's ass into your gullets!! But not too much that you’re too lackadaisical to trample over some unsuspecting American outside a Walmart, all in the spirit of furthering our international debt on the latest state of the art (soon to be obsolete) piece of cheap, imported crap!

Happy Thanksitting Freemarketgiving!

RNC forced to remove West Virginia Ad

The NRSC has been forced to pull an ad from the airwaves and Internets featuring a few hicks at a local diner talking about the Senate race in West Virginia. That the people behind the ad shot the ad in a local diner in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is most shocking. I mean, not being able to find hicks in West Virginia is like not being able to find queer bashers in Texas.



Here’s a breakdown of the casting call:

In brief, it is a sad day in America when today's GOP can't even feign being disingenuous. So very, very tragic indeed.

Wardrobe:


- We are going for a ‘Hicky’ Blue Collar look. These characters are from West Virginia so think coal miner/trucker looks


- Each character should bring a several options and stay away from all black or all white or thin stripes (thicker stripes and plaid are good)

- Clothing Suggestions:

• Jeans


• Work boots


• Flannel shirt


• Denim shirt


• Dickie’s type jacket with t-shirt underneath


• Down filled vest


• John Deer hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)


• Trucker hats (not brand new, preferably beat up)


• No Thin Stripes

Obviously only them fancy east coast elites can afford dem fancy-schmancy thin stripes. Moreover, whenever I see someone don thin stripes I instantly think he has a phd in Proustian studies.  but the criterion (IE, flannel shirt and denim jeans) gives the impression that they are seeking out lesbians, no?

Gallagher hates gays as much as he does writing material

Okay, so perhaps you're quietly ruminating to yourself: "why on earth is Michael writing about Gallagher?" "Is he still even alive and has he ever learned that only Marcel Marceau can dress like Marcel Marceau?"

(The one on the left doesn't talk yet manages to be more tolerable and funny)

Well, upon realizing that this ass hat is still mastering the brilliant comedic nuances of smashing watermelons and making millions doing--while Carlin, Hicks, and Giraldo are sadly dead-- made me take a second look at this taint in a beret.

According to the Seattle-based blog, Gallagher Is a Paranoid, Right-Wing, Watermelon-Smashing Maniac. 

Brace yourselves folks for some hard-hitting, incisive and comedic genius that makes the wry and sardonic satirical stylings of Steven Colbert look like Larry the Cable guy:

You have your hat backward," Gallagher sneers at a twentysomething man in the front row. "Are you a homosexual? Because it seems you have a problem figuring out the front from the back."  

It gets even more scintillating...

Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say—you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!"

The only logical conclusion behind such sub-moronic bigotry is that in all of those years smashing watermelons, he must have bounced that sledge hammer against his head a couple million times.

click here for original post.

Disposed Domino's Employee Torches Dominos

Okay, so you are probably wondering what exactly it takes to push a peddler of a hot garbage wheels over the edge. Is it the powder blue uniform? Is it poisoning the lazy and idle American citizenry with enough additives and artificial ingredients that make Twinkies look like Vegan cupcakes? Is it having to believe that a hot garbage wheel of cheese is pizza? Or, for the more politically and socially conscious Dominos Employees--as there are simply so many--the fact that the owner and CEO of Dominos will gladly take homosexual and lesbian's money and yet be firmly anti-gay and even give money to anti-gay groups?

Well, it is not single on of those scenarios.



Jamal Thomas, 24, was fired from Domino's earlier this year after getting into a fight outside the store where he worked in the Bronx. It wasn't the fight that got him fired, however.  Rather, it was the fact that he left the store unlocked while employees were inside counting money, which is a "violation" of Domino's "security protocol."

Typically getting fired from Dominos causes one to suddenly take to the streets and dance and sing in a gleeful frenzy, but not this disgruntled Dominoer (word?). It is painfully obvious that such an action calls for setting a string of your former employers' franchises on fire and not taking legal action.

According to the FDNY:

Thomas decided to enact an elaborate, and maybe not particularly logical revenge. First, he began dressing up in his old uniform and visiting other stores, saying he was from a "secret Domino's unit that measured employee satisfaction." (Yes, Dominoes cares about voter satisfaction like Republicans care about the middle class) Then, he broke into two different Bronx locations—on August 22 and September 5—and set fires using "easily combustible items" like pizza boxes.

Um, "secret Domino's unit"? He makes it sound like there is a covert paramilitary group running armed with cinnastix.

On the plus side, by virtue of torching the restaurants Thomas actually made the crust crispy.

Glenn Beck launches his own news site

Crying, deranged loon and Chalkboard enthusiast Glenn Beck did some thinking--in his own unique way-and came to the conclusion that Fox News just simply isn't "Fair and Balanced" enough for him to lead his lizard people on million moron marches, so he launched a propaganda news network of his very own. The site, named The Blaze since apparently RavingParanoidNews.com and the Wackington Post were already taken, which evidently was put together in just two month and is being edited by Scott Baker, a former employee of equally insane douche Andrew Breitbart.

We want this to be a place where you can find breaking news, original reporting, insightful opinions and engaging videos about the stories that matter most,” Beck added. “The Blaze will be about current news — and more. It’s not just politics and policy. It’s looking for insight wherever we find it. We’ll examine our culture, deal with matters of faith and family, and we won’t be afraid of a history lesson.”-Glenn Beck

In other wards, the site will serve as an aggregate for modern-day Shakespeare Sarah Palin's incoherent tweets and Facebook updates as well as the occasional video clip of teabaggers screaming with a Pat Boone song playing in the background.

What does it mean to be Cynical

Your Mama is a Grizzly, but these women say 'NO'

Refudiatin' Modern-Day Skakespeare Sarah Palin decided that she is more than just a rabid pitbull in drag, she's also a Grizzly.



Indeed, she is a self-proclaimed "Mama Grizzly" who desires to "protect [her] cubs" from EVIL things like David Letterman, bloggers, liberals and lamestream media. That is all fine and well, but it seems as though not all Mama Grizzlies agree with the head Mama.


A new ad recently surfaced from the pro-choice PAC Emily's list that takes Palin's ridiculous meme and uses it against her. Terrifying though it may be, it seems that not all mothers agree with Palin and think that everything she says and does is perfectly in line with the modern American mother.

Sheryl Crow is one big Green jackass

The eco-friendly toilet paper zealot and sometimes singer Sheryl Crow is so deeply concerned about not upsetting Al Gore Mother Earth that she's completely alienating her concert promoters.


According to Crow’s rider, her tour party travels between gigs in two 45-foot buses (presumably bio-diesel), while her equipment is packed into two tractor-trailers. Indeed, the surefire way to eliminating a a major environmental footprint and combating global warming is hauling two gigantic tractor trailers across the great American landscape.

It seems that all "she wanna do" is have 100% recycled toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, reusable plates for catered food, and if there are disposable dishes on hand, they must be biodegradable. She wants all regular light bulbs exchanged for green ones, all food to be organic and everything—including the water—should be local.

A more sensible solution might be to commute from gig to gig on bike, but then that wouldn't be any fun for all of her devoted handlers.

Newt Gingrinch wants to tell you that he’s a Jack Ass.

Newt Gingrich was recently the target of a new Esquire piece in which his second wife (I lost track a while ago) spoke candidly about their 2000 divorce.



It seems that Gingrich finally admitted (everybody already knew) that he was having affair on his second wife amid going after evil chubby chaser President Bill Clinton’s penis during the impeachment hearings. Of course he was “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” while simultaneously touting the Republican party as the party of “family values”.


Here is a snippet of the interview with Marianne Gingrich. It seems Newt wanting her to accept her womanly role and tolerate his cheating:

He wanted to talk in person, he said.

“I said, ‘No, we need to talk now.’ “

He went quiet.

“There’s somebody else, isn’t there?”

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a

Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. ” ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ “

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

 

Apparently the car metaphor was apt when you consider how many times Newt has traded in for newer models.


Next time you catch Newt in a crashed up coup de ville you’ll know why.

First Lady living it up in Spain

Channeling her inner Sarah Palin,
First Lady Michelle Obama decided to play Sex in the City in Spain during a five day sojourn with Sasha and 40 of her closest friends

Obviously the best way to fight obesity in America is buying sleeveless (of course) dresses. Thus begging the question: why does Michelle Obama's arms hate America?

Many are criticizing the first lady for taking such a lavish trip amid a terrible recession and when she and the president lecture America on frugality. The bulk of the cost to taxpayers– $230,000 so far–for the first lady's vacation is for her security detail and the plane that flew her, her daughter and her 40 closest friends (all presumably with toned arms). 

 

[The taxpayer] will definitely be footing the bill for the First Lady’s 68-strong security detail, her personal staff – and the use of presidential jet Air Force Two….The American public will also cover the cost of the only official part of the holiday, a visit to the Spanish royal family on the island of Majorca.

It looks like Fatty Fatterson Jr. will just have to eat a box of wheat thins until First Lady Marie Antoinette Michelle Obama returns.  

Senator Vitter calls Rachel Maddow a dude

 

Diaper boy Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), the Republican Senator of Louisiana who made headlines a while back for his hot diaper sex fetish, who just can't seem to keep catch a break, is finding himself in more doo doo (good thing for the diaper) after jostling on a radio show about how Rachel Maddow looks like a dude based upon her High School yearbook photo. 

Okay, so perhaps her choice in eyeglasses make her look like Harry Potter or a mathemagician at a dorky kid's B-day party. But MSNBC is fairly certain that Rachel Maddow, much like her liberal counterpart Keith Olbermann, is a lady.

Here's the word-for-word transcript from David Vitter's appearance on the morning radio show:

 
MALE HOST: I wonder if Senator Vitter is ever going to post, like, maybe the video of the first time he was on the floor of the Senate. If I have to show the way I looked the first time I was on TV, you should do that too.

VITTER: We should go further back than that, how about high school yearbook?

MALE HOST: Oh yeah.

VITTER: De La Salle marching band.

MALE HOST: That'd be cool. Well you know, with Rachel Maddow they had that picture of her...

FEMALE HOST: Looking like a woman.

MALE HOST: Yeah it was really bizarre.

VITTER: [LAUGHS]: Must have been a long time ago.

ALL THREE: [HEAVY LAUGHTER]

 What better way to resurrect a fledgling re-election campaign by mocking your enemy's high school year book photo. I imagine the voters of Louisiana are much more concerned about a lesbian liberal commentator's high school features than their economic livelihoods following the BP rig disaster. 

Naturally, the Vitter campaign went into damage control, which is really the only type of control when you're working for David Vitter. 

Here's the apology letter released by the Vitter Campaign:

 

Dear Rachel,

Regarding my remark during a radio conversation today, I apologize.
The hosts made their comment and I obviously chimed in. While we do not usually agree on the issues, I do not think you deserved that comment.

Sincerely,
David

One can only assume that David realized that Rachel is a woman and can potentially let him defecate in a diaper at a mutually agreed upon price.

Mel Gibson's Passion of the N-Word

Occasional actor/director and full-time cartoonish lunatic Mel Gibson officially ended any chances of bringing us Passion of the Christ 2 after a philippic tirade was caught on audio tape, which includes such Hallmark gems as wishing that Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of his infant daughter, be "raped by a pack of niggers" as well as screaming about her wearing "tight pants so you can see your fucking pussy."

 

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first ."

Oh Mel, every angry ex has been there before. But it's widely known that the arson/blow job invitation almost always should precede the irrational string of violent calumnies and racial slurs. That's not to say that Mel Gibson isn't the only person in Hollywood to use the N word, there are many known studio executives, directors, producers, actors who use the word willy-nilly. And we certainly cannot leave out all of those refined  rappers. But I'm fairly certain that none of these individuals have solidified their rants with the arson/blow job invitation. That's just tacky and in poor taste. 

Mad Mel's horrendous rant certainly displays a massive amount of rage and aggression, but considering that this was supposedly a private conversation harangue I hardly see why the world should be spared another misplaced Buddy Film. It seems that Talent Agency WME just dropped Mel over his liberal usage of the N-word. Nevermind the steady stream of feminist rhetoric he so eloquently shared with Oksana, as rich white guilt Hollywood Liberals would rather feign sensitivity and concern for race over misogyny. 

  The only good thing that can come from this is the hope that The NY Times runs this story and imagining its stuffy, uptight editors quibble ad nauseam over the proper usage of the word pussy.

Harry Reid's son ashamed of his own last name

 Senate majority Leader Harry Reid’s son, Rory--who looks like a dehydrated version of his father–is running for Governor in Nevada, only he doesn’t want anyone to know his last name. So apparently disgusted with his biological association with his daddy that he failed to include his last name in this ridiculous political ad, which is the first of many “Just call me Rory” ads.

Click link below for rest of story.

Harry Reid's son ashamed of his own last name

The fallout of General McChrystal’s Screw Up.

After unloading a steady stream of obscenities that would make Abbie Hoffman blush, the fallout of General Stanley McChrystal’s in depth interview in Rolling Stone Magazine (they’re famed for their knowledge of military brass) is echoing beyond the Pentagon and the White House. The brash General hasn’t much sang-froid and lacks the effete savior-faire that is a major part of the Obama Admin (his favorite movie is Talladega Night), but his vituperative words for the president with respects to the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan was very revealing.

Click link for more.

The fallout of General McChrystal’s Screw Up.

Facebook Growth has come to a halt.

From the unscrupulous kid who helped replace Myspace, which replaced Friend Finder, which replaced texting, which replaced email, which replaced talking with your mouth,Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg has acknowledged that the social network’s rapid growth has finally slowed. It seems that Zuckerberg was paying nearly as much attention to rival social network Twitter than invading Facebook users’ privacy. In fact, Zuckerberg was reportedly more threatened by Twitter than talking to members of the opposite sex.

For rest of story, click link below
Facebook Growth has come to a halt.

World Cup Sexy Fans

The whole world is boiling over with World Cup fever, but not so much the part that involves the a bunch of hairy dudes kicking around a white rounded leather balls. Sure, petty nationalism and random reminders that BP is still the root of all evil as long as Cheney is resting in his man safe deep beneath the earth's surface still hold significance. But in a sexually depraved, wardrobe malfunction oriented society where prurience and barely claded underage girls are the primary focus of our empty lives, it's always ladies nite at the world cup.

Obviously the harder the nipples of fans, the better the Argentinian soccer team plays.

I believe Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel wears these shorts at the Bundestag

So are really experiencing salacious soccer fandom or some cheap, sinister viral marketing campaign?

It seems that the row of blond bombshells shown above was actually a form of marketing known as "ambush marketing" by a Dutch Brewery. In fact, Fifa is considering legal action against the Dutch brewery it accuses of using women fans to advertise its beer at the World Cup.

"What seems to have happened is that there was a clear ambush marketing activity by a Dutch brewery company," said Fifa spokesman Nicholas Maingot.

My best guess is that Mr. Maingot has never actually watched a beer commercial or seen one of the gazillion of off-air advertisements before in his life. Based upon what the majority of viewers see, my understanding is that the actors in beer commercials and/or advertisements typically don't feature female Literature majors in pants suits discussing the decline of deconstructionism on college campuses. In other wards, the objectification of women in beer ads is about as mundane as the exploitation of children in commercials. It's as firmly ingrained in our psyche as the Five-Dollar Foot Long Bacon or White-Castle scented candles. So is legal action really necessary, MR. Buzz McKillington?

The sad life of Jon Edwards.

The sad life of Jon Edwards.

Michelle Bachman calls Obama the “Worst President Ever”

Michelle Bachman calls Obama the “Worst President Ever”

Caption the Snow whitetrash Queen

Tomorrow is memorial day, a hollow day in which we privileged Americans pay requiem to the generations of brave young men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice by shoving as many deep-fried double-down sandwiches, washing it down with a tub of Mountain Dew Code Red, and reflect digest deeply as we watch the obligatory Law & Order SVU marathon. Obviously, Sarah Palin has made the greatest sacrifices of all, and whoever says otherwise is nothing but an arugula-munching, book reading commie. Sarah should therefore be captioned befittingly.

 So show your deep admiration for one of America's greatest heroes since the White Castle scented candle and name that caption.

Meet Sarah palin's New Neighbor

Shameless, slimy snow grifter Sarah Palin is upset, and this time it isn't at the big meanie liberal media for making her think and her cute forehead wrinkle or because the price of moose burger meat slightly rose. Sarah Palin, whose most famous for dooming a dithering corpse's presidential campaign and giving the most screwed names to her offspring, has recently made news after feigning outrage on her facebook page over her new neighbor– Joe McGinniss, a writer authoring an unflattering book about her.

A respected author and journalist Joe McGinniss, a strident critic of Sarah Palin,(oh well...) has thrown caution and sanity into the wind and taken up residence right next store to Sarah Palin. Not to worry, though, Sarah can still see Russia from her side. Apparently McGinniss first wrote an expose on Palin and her natural gas pipeline plan for the Conde Nast publication Portfolio  last year. Seeing as Sarah refuses to stop being Sarah (you get the drift...), Joe McGiniss is authoring another book on her tentatively titled, "Sarah Palin's Year of Living Dangerously" and could be on the shelves in the fall of 2011.

"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?" said Palin.

Already Sarah has informed her facebook friends that Mr. McGinniss will be waxing carrots to her underage daughter and fantazing about Sarah's garden when not watching the entire clan splash around the old swimming hole. Such a horrid beast that Mr McGinniss, but that shouldn't dissuade Sarah from dropping by for a cup of sugar, it's after all the neighborly thing to do...sort of.

www.scallywagandvagabond.com 
chickensoupforthecynicssoul.blogspot.com 

Michael Hayne Presents an Eveing of Political Comedy in NJ

An evening of political comedy for Change (Meeting) BBC hates shrimp, teabaggers, m strip clubs, S and sexual repression, Republicans, unemployment, and Sarah Palin still wont shut down until the f ** k?! Yes, we can use laughter. I urge you to check out some amazing comedians and mock the folly of Washington, and then stick around and mingle and discuss issues with the progressive community

Michael Hayne presents an evening of political comedy
Saturday, June 12th,
8 pm(doors open at 7pm)
Hyenas Comedy Lounge @ the New York Daily Harold,
707 East 46 Street
Parsippany, New Jersey
15$ dollar cover
http://livingliberally.org/laughing/
Facebook page


Harry Terjanian (MTV, NCUCF) hosts Farhan known at the national level Cartoons Comedy Central, SNL, CNN

Addressing Jeff KREISLER (to show the frequency per day in 2008, Bill Hicks Spirit Award, author of "Get Rich Cheating," a bestseller Boston Globe!)

Negin Farsad (Comedy Central, Nerdcore rising)

Charlie KASOV (New Orleans Comedy Festival)

Oval Office Sexy Time: Name that Caption

It really is flabbergasting--treasonous almost--to see a politician in love with his spouse. Well, I figured it might be fun to have you offer a funny caption on what you think is being said/though in this photo. 

Muslims don

Muslims don’t like Facebook.

Posted using ShareThis

Nick Madson mistakenly thinks he's Patton Oswalt

In a digital age where Grandma uses Firefox to navigate her way onto You Tube, whereupon she uploads a compressed avi formatted snippet of her plethora of cats bouncing yarn that she shot using her Flipvideo, one would naturally think a thirty year old would understand that anything he says in public forum can and will be used against him in a court of Internet. The seemingly unstoppable and immeasurable Juggernaut of the Internet's reach most recently took a relatively washed-up (literally and figuratively) octogenarian actress in Betty White and launched an online campaign lobbying for Mrs. White to host an episode of SNL, which she ultimately did.

So what on BP's oil tainted earth did wannabe comedian Nick Madson think was going to come of his Hilton Hilltop Hackery when he flagrantly plagiarized a well-known routine from established funnyman Patton Oswald?

As a stand-up comedian it's a cardinal rule to not steal any comedian's jokes, just as it's equally inappropriate to be Ashley Simpson and think your a singer when in fact you are just a scantily cladded, meretricious trollop in front of a piece of equipment typically used for actual singing. While it is acceptable to borrow from the greats and reach some of the same conclusions , especially when it comes to topical matter; however, taking it upon yourself to so audaciously pilfer the blood and sweat that goes into the sheer agony of ones unfaltering efforts in turning something out of thin air into a masterpiece deeply embedded in the annuls of comedy.

Does anyone really want to watch Carrot Top perform George Carlin's pristine "Seven Dirty Words" routine?

As if stealing the bit outright wasn't execrable enough, Nick Madson performed Patton Oswalt's amazing routine with such torpor and sheer amateurishness that it sounded like a 6th grader poorly reading the works of Twain, Wilde, and Swift all in one.

We live in a "now" lottery winning reality TV star society that demands instant gratification and immediate results, whilst overlooking the time-tested skills and proven talents that were once a necessary requirement for fame and fortune. Much to the chagrin of totally unfunny and unoriginal Nick Madson,  we also live in a voyeuristic world where the camera is always running and the Internet never goes to sleep.

Arizona or Bust

Blame it on the Train

NJ Transit commuters were dealt a major blow after its board green lighted a plan to increase fares by a whopping 25 percent–the largest fair increase in the history of system–for rail and commuter bus lines. Worse yet, it seems as though the plan includes gutting off peak discounts for commuters who choose to ride during non busy periods. The monstrous fare hike is scheduled to take effect May 1st.

Would it help if I informed governor Christie that commuters don’t use the train to teach New Jersey’s schoolchildren and prepare them to be better citizens?

Governor Christie’s madman quest for savings and fulfill his campaign pledge of bringing NJ out of insolvency with fierce fiscal responsibility seems to overlook the roughly 380,000 hard-working, tax paying citizens of NJ who rely on NJ transit to commute to work on a daily basis. Moreover, in his support for this massive fare hike Gov. Christie fails to see the obvious consequences that are surely follow the fare hike. For example, this tiny little recession thingy in which our country is still very much ensnared. Therefore, this increase is nothing short of a "turnstile tax,"unduly thrown onto the laps of the poor and working-class families of New Jersey and blatantly overlooking the great many NJ residents who have no choice but to take the bus and train to get to where they're going.

But it isn’t just the wallets of NJ citizens during hard economic times that factor into this fare hike.

For instance, in his blind search for savings Governor Christie may have also overlooked the fact that a major fare increase will lead to less ridership and more motorists on the road, thus creating more pollution and congestion.

One commuter, for example, predicted that the fare hike would prompt more people to jump into cars.

"When the cost of gas hit $4 a gallon in 2008, people drove less," he said. "When the cost of transit goes up 25 percent this year, fewer people will ride transit. This will put more commuters onto our highways, which are already over-crowded."

Indeed, commuters who can't absorb this egregious fair hike during already rough economic times might instead choose to drive.

On the fare Hike, Governor Christie had the following to say:

“I feel badly for those folks that are impacted by it, but this is the mess I was left with and I am not going to clean it up by putting under the rug, which has been done over and over again for the last two decades in New Jersey.”

In sum, if Governor Christie is so bent on closing the 300 million budget gap and if he really ‘feels bad,’ then perhaps he can take a 25 percent pay cut in his salary. Of course that would be the noble thing to do, although nobility and politics go together like Tiger Woods and monogamy.

Get your very own talkshow on Fox News

In case you ever pondered to yourself how any respectable school of journalism or any institution of higher learning could bequeath a Fox News personality with a degree and how any employer with more than two brain cells could generously employ them, here's what you need to know.

To be a female Fox News talking head:

Blond and leggy, ridiculously well-coiffed bored, contemptible Orange County housewife with teeth that are more bleached than your hair. Spout as many overly simplistic talking points as your paramecium sized brain can remember. Love small town America and hate Michelle Obama and her arms. Most important, be sure that you're wearing more make-up than a dancer at a GOP strip club fundraiser

To be a current male Fox News talking head:

Severely bi-polar, doom-prophesying, barely literate angry white guy full of painkillers. Have the emotional equivalent of a 13 year old teenage girl just grounded on Prom or the mental equivalent of a great big fat kid frying ants with a magnifying glass. Never listen to any of your non planted guests and be sure to let them know that they are Stalinist/Nazi/fascists.

To be a classic male Fox News talking head:

Stuffy, uncaring, greedy washed up wall street baron country club Republican from the 80s who was too absolutist moralist for coke. Treat the smallest efforts at regulation as a coup de' tat and never, NEVER mention that Bush was president during the financial meltdown and that perhaps his administration played a role.

Whips, Chains, and Bondage! Oh my!

So the party of "fiscal responsibility" (Ignore the last eight years when a non-Democrat black guy was in office) and "family values" was recently caught with its pants down and sweaty one dollar bills in hand when it was discovered that The Republican National Committee reimbursed about $2,000 in expenses rung up by the Young Eagles at a Hollywood nightclub featuring topless dancers and bondage outfits. The good news is that it the women were of age and, um, they were ACTUALLY women.

"Gay Marriage is a foul and detestable affront to family values and the word of the lord. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and bareback some gay biker I met on manhunt." ~ Rep. Roy Ashburn

Whether obfuscating or obstructing, the Republican party lost its footing a long time ago and, more recently, has been handed down to a horde of fat, stupid, angry white men and their equally fat, stupid and angry spouses. Moreover, a group that has about as much understanding of public (not pubic)policy and democratic governance as they do with sex slang. A group that thinks Obama is some sort of secret radical, half-breed fabric.

A group that somehow and someway believes the ability to articulate oneself in public equates one to the murdering of six million Jews.

Indeed, the party has nothing to run on but fear and fear itself.

In short, the salacious and lascivious peregrination on the part of Michael Steele and the GOP has finally brought back some dignity to the Republican party.

Meet your Teabagger

Here we see Wilford Brimley's lesser known brother, Jeebus Diabeetus Brimley. Now don't let those stylish dollar store tea bag/makeshift earrings fool you, as I'm sure Mr. Jeebus is prepared to say something so stark, poignant and utterly profound that surely I will be weeping uncontrollably.

So what exactly do you think Jeebus is about to say to this Fox News Distorter? Leave your comments below.

Shut the front door? Biden said what now?!

Our great nation was brought to its knees in great shock and horror when it learned of a an unspeakable tragedy. Sitting Vice-President and Gaffe Machine 2.0 Joe Biden said the word fuck during the historic signing of President Obama's Health care legislation.

"This is a big f-----' deal," Biden whispered into President Barack Obama's
ear and was picked up by a very sensitive microphone, The Hill reported.

Oh, would somebody please think about the
children!

Shame on you, Mr. Vice President! Vice-president's cannot become overly effusive and utter such offensive vulgarities upon witnessing the promulgation and signing of a monumental achievement that will avail millions of Americans, but rather they may only use this word when they want to unapologetically tell a Senior Senator to go F--k themselves!

And you wonder why his daughter turned out to be gay? Over the years she was perpetually overhearing her father telling folks to "go fuck themselves" and I guess she just ran with it.

Now, I refuse to kowtow to the supercilious and ridiculously punctilious merits of political correctness and its complete and utter destruction of the English language. The Fuck word (not the F-word) and its usage is one of my all time favorite past times, and I vehemently defend its usage, however. It is vital to be vigilant of decorum and context when using it. For instance, it would be a great disservice to Abbey Hoffman and George Carlin if one were to say " I just beat the fuck out of that homeless bum with no arms or legs." Better yet, telling a senior senator to "go fuck himself" when he was questioning the voracity behind your (Dick Cheney) noisome activities.

But let's momentarily step away from the fuck word to highlight the type of language the GOP and its supporters (e.g., the Teabaggers) inappropriately use.

During their million moron march on Washington on the eve of passage of the HCR, the Teabaggers--notorious for saying vile, outdated slurs--chanted “nigger,” as civil rights hero Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) and fellow Congressional Caucus member Andre Carson (D-IN) walked by.

Indeed, the Teabaggers speak redneck as a second language. But come on!
Surely you fat, white, old and angry fodder of the GOP aren't just socially backward racists?

Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), an openly gay congressmen, was called a "faggot," as protesters shouted at him with deliberately lisp-y screams. Such thoughtful, intelligent opposition! I suppose it is a refreshing change from the usual irrational and retarded "Obama is a muslin (not Muslim but 'muslin') socialist Nazi" ephitets for which these empty-headed shittards are so famous.

In short, let's stop pretendingthat Vice-President Biden saying fuck to express his joy and jubilation over something for which he worked his entire legislative career is newsworthy. Instead, let's focus on how far and far the GOP and their supporters are from kookistan and devolving by the second.

Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks.

The Texas Board of Education had been meeting all week to revise (blatantly re-write)its social studies curriculum. Yes, believe it or not, Texas has a social studies curriculum.

During the past three days, “the board’s far-right faction wielded their power to shape lessons on the civil rights movement, the U.S. free enterprise system and hundreds of other topics.

After all, it's s widely known, incontrovertible fact that Thomas Jefferson was a transgender member of the Black Panthers and good friends with Bill Ayers and Michael Moore.

In case you're curious as to what enlightening facts and information the Texas Board used in lieu of those shameful, seditious, and utterly fallacious facts in the history books, I'm including them all below.

• The fifth member on the Declaration Committee was Toby McKeith

• Rick Warren braved the tumultuous ice swollen Delaware River to attack a Hessian garrison in Houston.

• Ronald Reagan ran an infantry of televangelists onto the shore of Normandy to defeat Bill Clinton's horny horde of chubby intern Nazis

• The earth was created 5 thousand years ago by George W. Bush when he cleared some brush in the Garden of Eden and discovered oil

Rush Limbaugh threatens to leave if HCR passes

The world's most impotent man and foremost authority on fat and stupid white problems, Rush Limbaugh, declared in high dudgeon that he will flee the US for Costa Rica should HRC pass.

Click here and watch and listen listen below to hear me impersonate the gargantuan lizard in parody fashion.

Thank You for Smoking, Mr. President: In Defense of President Obama's smoking

The country currently finds itself ruminating over consequences detrimental to the health and safety of our way of life: what brand does the president smoke and when did he smoke it? Indeed, Barack Obama's struggle to quit smoking has been amply chronicled over the past couple of years: apparently being president of the United States means that you can wage illegal wars and subsequent occupations, shred the constitution, and destroy the environment, but you MOST certainly CAN'T suck down the coolest method acting prop while simultaneously omitting a decidedly uncool cough that can be heard.

(The President showing off his lighter thumb. Oohh yeah, so cool and smooth!)

This is what scientists and health experts say Obama will look like a year from now

As a smoker, I am all too familiar with the societal disdain and aversion with which my nasty habit brings. Moreover, I'm equally familiar with the great many periods in which I quit, which makes me reminiscent of Mark Twain's quip..."Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." But let's examine the former a little bit further.

Have you ever been to a Dennys in this country? Surely you have seen with great shock and horror as some of America's finest fat and stupid scoff down a pallate of high-fructose, hydrogenated diabetic offerings in the form of pancakes before they return to the ocean. Surely you've bared witnessed to the fat and stupid in-waiting spawn of Fatty McFatterson screaming incessantly and running helter-skelter all over the shitkicking place, whilst Fatty McFatterson doesn't so much lift its potato head from its troff to reprimand its vile spawn, no? I would say Denny's should enforce leash laws for children, but the fuckers there are so fat that it's really hard to distinguish the children from the retarded man-children. But I digress.

All of the obscene, massively unhealthy and incorrigibly obnoxious aforementioned behavior is socially acceptable and welcomed with warm, fled flinstone-esque arms. But smoking?

Get's on the train! Heil Hitler!

Indeed, if you're a smoker in America you have about as much rights as a rabid badger. As a libertarian, I'm a firm believer in maximizing the liberty of the individual and freeing him from burdensome government intervention. And yes, I realize that my habit does infringe upon another individuals health and increases the liberty of him/her, so I am in complete compliance to reasonable and rational attitudes towards it. But you fucking nazis!

(Your Modern-Day Smoker's Lounge)

It's painfully obvious that politicians love to moralize and expostulate when it suits their political expedience, all while gleefully reaping in those hefty revenues for their pet projects. Moreover, the government is no different then the Mafia when it comes to cigarettes, only they have shitty taste in clothes. So let's stop pretending that they care about our welfare and overall health.

In short, i feel this issue can be wonderfully encapsulated by Mr. Nick Naylor--the fictional fast-talking tobacco lobbyist character from Jason Reitman's (The Juno guy) brilliant satire Thank You for Smoking.

The Official Unofficial transript of Bible Spice's Teabagger Convention Speech

First and foremost, it should probably be noted that a woman who cannot spell the word spell shouldn't be getting boat loads of Neiman Marcus cash. But I'm sure you already knew that. Oh wait, I forgot that one of the teabagers defining charateristics is that they cannot spell for shit.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

It's no National Secret that Obama is made out of silk.

My all time Fav

So this past weekend Sarah Palin took time out of her busy schedule of trying to convince rational America that she's not Karl Rove's sexbot invention and addressed throngs of her most ardent (only) supporters: a unwashed group of rugged individualists that are utterly ignorant to the hilarious sexual innuendo of their movement and even more ignorant to the underlying message of the original tea party, which I believe was 'no taxation WITHOUT representation' and not 'too much taxation with representation. I'm referring of course to the teabaggers, a untidy fringe group of disgruntled, middle to lower class white Americans that actually benefit from Obama's economic policies but yet seem to think he's Hitler or the joker or whatever criminally idiotic epithets they recently came up with.


While I cannot subject you to the actual transcript of the snow cunt's blithering babble, I decided to break it down for you in a digestable format by including a hillarious summary I picked up from the Immoral Minority blog. Some very funny stuff! I wonder if Sarah Palin had to look to her hand in order to remember the part where she slammed president Obama for using a teleprompter (republican hack talking point)?

Part One:

Hello America...Happy Birthday Ronald Reagan...hello C-Span...kiss teabagger ass...kiss more teabagger ass...slam the media..kiss new Senator Scott Brown's ass (yummy)...slam Pelosi..slam Rahm Emanuel...defend George Bush, give stupid advice to Democrats...kiss more yummy Scott Brown ass...liberal left = establishmt(?)...talks about her gubernatorial race...something about her ideas(?)...tea party movement don't need no stinking leaders....tells insulting teleprompter joke at Obama's expense (Must not have watched him kick a room full of GOP ass with no teleprompter help whatsoever!)...another big wet lip lock on the teabagger butts..

Part Two:

Blames Obama for Christmas day underwear bomber (I wonder who she blames for 9-11?)...repeats lie that reading Umar Abdulmutallab his Miranda rights made him stop cooperating (Somebody needs to channel surf away from Fox News once in awhile)...brings up her son Track and his possible death as a reason to NOT give Abdumutallab any rights...makes case that respecting Abdulmutallab's right to counsel "scares her" for her children (?)...brings back phrase "radical Islamic extremists". (Gee I had so hoped that with the Bush administration gone we had heard the last of that bullshit phrase!)...pisses on Obama's foreign policy decisions...blames administration for missile tests in South Korea (Didn't they do that when Bush was in office too?) and Israel's lack of confidence (Yeah NOW they know that if they attack Iran they may be on their own)...mixes up America and Alaska (THAT will show up on Countdown and the Daily Show next week....wants administration to change course...applauds decision to send more troops into Afghanistan...makes tired old claim that "democracies don't go to war with each other"(Oh yes they do)...quotes John F. Kennedy (who is right now spinning in his grave) to convince Obama not to blame country's problems on Bush...

Part Three:

Talks about when she rejected stimulus money in Alaska...then mentions that her own fellow Republicans overwrote her veto...makes fun of Joe Biden (I bet now he wishes he had kicked her fake tanned ass in that VP debate!)...Without a hint of irony she is dinging the Obama administration for its lack of transparency...now pretending like she understands economic issues..."sweetheart dills?" (When will this woman learn to say "deals? Sounds like she is talking about Valentine's Day pickles!)...unbelievably blames national debt on Obama administration...once again tries to make the point that problems could be solved like a family doing its budget...just tighten your belts...imbecile...again tries to blame the debt on Obama and calls it "generational theft" (Did this woman sleep through the Bush administration?)...Palin, "as the saying goes If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't' be in the circus" (Well if she is looking for a circus she is certainly came to the right place. Just look at all of the clowns.)...Claims that her administration "put government back on the side of the people" (I was one of those people. Trust me, her government was NOT on my side!)

Part Four:

Says that "if government got out of the way" our economy would "roar back to life" (Didn't the Bush administration stay out of the way of big business? I don't remember a roaring economy then, do you?)...recites campaign slogan of an "all of the above approach to energy" (Which is a fancy way of saying "Let's just try everything, but let's give more money to oil and gas companies because they give big to republicans")...and let's relax those regulations for off shore drilling (Cleaning up devastating oil spills is a "job creator" too!)..."How can I help our country?" she asks (You may submit your suggestion in the comments section)...Oh "sit down and shut up", that was MY suggestion!..You don't need an office to make a difference. (Just plastic surgery, a bumpit, and a couple of segments on Fox News.)...Brings up the Constitution as best "road map" (I wonder if she is making a mental note to have Piper read her that document some day?)...Ooh teabaggers jump up when you say "Constitution"...jump little baggers, jump...."Enduring truths" have been passed down from Washington, to Reagan, to you. (Is it my imagination or did she skip a whole buttload of presidents there? Or are those the only ones the baggers recognize?)...Did she just refer to the teabagger movement as "young and fresh"? Is she not seeing the same middle age faces in the crowd that I am seeing?...Oops running out of topics, time to talk about the attacks on her children...Teabaggers go "Boo"...Teabaggers good, and kind, and selfless (Everything that Sarah Palin is not.)...Happy birthday Ronnie!Is talking about Reagan choking her up?...Surely that is an act for the crowd...You know i think we already live in a world where children with special needs are welcomed...and embraced...Do they think only Teabaggers love children?...Oop time to pander...combining Reagan with god is a guaranteed standing "O"... "This movement is about the people" (The people who buy my book, pay me $100,000 to speak here, and who give freely to SarahPAC.)...God bless you teapartiers...You simple, simple teapartiers.