One Swine Day

The country was put into consternation over the weekend with reports of 40 instances of Swine Flu in America, with Mexico, the illness’s country of origin, reporting 149 deaths.

("Move over lettuce, peanuts, spinach, peppers, mad cows and slightly irritated cows, SARS and Paris Hilton, Monkey Pox, South American Beetles, and infected birds...there’s a new slippery slope de jure in town being convienenly airlifted to your dinner table.")

Swine flu is a respiratory disease, caused by influenza type A which infects pigs and listeners of Rush Limbaugh. It has hither/to not normally infected humans, but the latest form visibly does, and can be spread from person to person - probably through coughing and sneezing.

("Does that mean I gots to calls my health guy when I sneeze pork grinds")

Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose. Much like the seasonal version of the flu, the "swine" version is readily manageable by getting an RX for Tamiflu and Relenza from your walking blue pad. Of course the drug must be administered early in order to be effective.

The flu is a mutagenic disease and therefore will always poise a threat prevented, so lets please stop the post 9/11 hysteria and think rationally about what is preventable. For example, government oversight and strict regulation of agri-business. For eight solid years the bush Administration severely weakened and diluted every single environmental and biological safeguard on the books in order to maximize corporate profits. In addition to altering a section of the Endangered Species Act to allow oil drilling and other infrastructure projects to move forward on federal lands without consulting biological habitat experts, allowing the Department of Labor to propose a rule that would weaken how the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) calculate on-the-job risk, the Bush Administration gave a bigger gift to biotech industry when they weakened oversight of genetically engineered crops. Hell, it’s a widely known fact that Bin laden devours Arugula lettuce and anyone who doesn’t red meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner supports terrorism.

And while the welfare of the public and maximization of optimal health is a fundamental touchstone of a robust democracy, it is even greater that Joe Blow practice preventive medicine. You cannot turn on the nightly news without being inudanated with commercials of Americans farting, belching, and bellowing

(But the talking picture box said that we can eat a burger the size of Jupiter only if we take Nexium so bring out the NASA-sized grille!!")

The very nature of those commercials is to superficially conceal the symptoms as your health deteriorates o as to maintain the pharmaceutical industries iron grip on the status quo of healthcare. Hey, it’s not like I don’t indulge in these otherwise deleterious activities on occasion, but I’m just saying that a lot of us do it blindly and think that it’s perfectly okay.

My exchange with Twentieth Century Fox

So last month I was told by the legal team at a new media site that my well-recieved contest entry was flagged due to copyrighted material. Basically, I used the charater images from Family guy to bring life to my voiceover impersonations. Well, after repeatedly being told to go fuck myself by pretend lawyers, I decided to reach out to the devil himself at Twentieth Century Fox. And let me just say that the devil is much more prompt and punctual then pretend lawyers, but I suppose that is just how pretend hell works. Anyway, I am including the freshly faxed letter I just received from one of Fox's minions.

Thank you for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("Fox"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials. Because this decision was made based upon internal, and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration. Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647.

Thank you for your interest in licensing Fox material and good luck with your project.

Sincerely,
Andy Bandit

Now as someone who rather enjoys editing,allow me to me clean up some of those pesky typo-s.

Fuck You for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("The Second Death Star"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials, including Michael J. Fox and Matthew Fox. Because this decision was made based upon internal (a.k.a, a super computer with a laugh track), and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration; in fact, it was given just as much thoughtful consideration as the writing for "Til Death". Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647. Fuck you for your interest in licensing Fox material and take your little insignificant project and shove it up your little insignificant ass.