"Why go on?" Santa contemplated as he watched the snow fall with a jaundiced eye. "Another insufferable, unremitting winter." Of course, he knew it wasn't just the winter: It was the eternal tedium of flying interminably about earth every year delivering the latest state-of-the-art (Soon-to-be-obsolete) cheap, imported presents; it was the insubordinate little brats who rarely if ever left a morsel of a cookie or a drop of milk; it was nearly going bankrupt trying to pay for Rudolf's cancer treatment for the malignant lymphoma in his nose; it was the internecine struggles between the intransigent elf and reindeer unions; it was having to let go his helpers because apparently the North Pole isn't too big to fail; it was having to see Sarah Palin from his factory; and since his wife left him for the leaner and more fit Kwanza Kareem, the onerous addition of paparazzi incessantly harrassing him. All of this unbearable mess had become an inveterate part of Christmas
Compound this with Prancer's intemperance of being his number 2 guy and Santa was ready to sell his pristine acreage of permafrost to Exxon Mobil. "I should indeed leave this wretched place once and for all," Santa ruminated as he sat intractably in his wooded chair since Mrs. Claus had inherited the Ikea furniture from the divorce. In spite of all of this seemingly ineluctable misery, Santa had an epiphany: "I wonder what the Goldbergs are doing on the 25th?"
Where the Glass is half full of Shit
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
All Hail the Freedom Tray!
Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!
I give you the Freedom Tray!
Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!
If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!
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