Disposed Domino's Employee Torches Dominos

Okay, so you are probably wondering what exactly it takes to push a peddler of a hot garbage wheels over the edge. Is it the powder blue uniform? Is it poisoning the lazy and idle American citizenry with enough additives and artificial ingredients that make Twinkies look like Vegan cupcakes? Is it having to believe that a hot garbage wheel of cheese is pizza? Or, for the more politically and socially conscious Dominos Employees--as there are simply so many--the fact that the owner and CEO of Dominos will gladly take homosexual and lesbian's money and yet be firmly anti-gay and even give money to anti-gay groups?

Well, it is not single on of those scenarios.



Jamal Thomas, 24, was fired from Domino's earlier this year after getting into a fight outside the store where he worked in the Bronx. It wasn't the fight that got him fired, however.  Rather, it was the fact that he left the store unlocked while employees were inside counting money, which is a "violation" of Domino's "security protocol."

Typically getting fired from Dominos causes one to suddenly take to the streets and dance and sing in a gleeful frenzy, but not this disgruntled Dominoer (word?). It is painfully obvious that such an action calls for setting a string of your former employers' franchises on fire and not taking legal action.

According to the FDNY:

Thomas decided to enact an elaborate, and maybe not particularly logical revenge. First, he began dressing up in his old uniform and visiting other stores, saying he was from a "secret Domino's unit that measured employee satisfaction." (Yes, Dominoes cares about voter satisfaction like Republicans care about the middle class) Then, he broke into two different Bronx locations—on August 22 and September 5—and set fires using "easily combustible items" like pizza boxes.

Um, "secret Domino's unit"? He makes it sound like there is a covert paramilitary group running armed with cinnastix.

On the plus side, by virtue of torching the restaurants Thomas actually made the crust crispy.

Glenn Beck launches his own news site

Crying, deranged loon and Chalkboard enthusiast Glenn Beck did some thinking--in his own unique way-and came to the conclusion that Fox News just simply isn't "Fair and Balanced" enough for him to lead his lizard people on million moron marches, so he launched a propaganda news network of his very own. The site, named The Blaze since apparently RavingParanoidNews.com and the Wackington Post were already taken, which evidently was put together in just two month and is being edited by Scott Baker, a former employee of equally insane douche Andrew Breitbart.

We want this to be a place where you can find breaking news, original reporting, insightful opinions and engaging videos about the stories that matter most,” Beck added. “The Blaze will be about current news — and more. It’s not just politics and policy. It’s looking for insight wherever we find it. We’ll examine our culture, deal with matters of faith and family, and we won’t be afraid of a history lesson.”-Glenn Beck

In other wards, the site will serve as an aggregate for modern-day Shakespeare Sarah Palin's incoherent tweets and Facebook updates as well as the occasional video clip of teabaggers screaming with a Pat Boone song playing in the background.

What does it mean to be Cynical

Your Mama is a Grizzly, but these women say 'NO'

Refudiatin' Modern-Day Skakespeare Sarah Palin decided that she is more than just a rabid pitbull in drag, she's also a Grizzly.



Indeed, she is a self-proclaimed "Mama Grizzly" who desires to "protect [her] cubs" from EVIL things like David Letterman, bloggers, liberals and lamestream media. That is all fine and well, but it seems as though not all Mama Grizzlies agree with the head Mama.


A new ad recently surfaced from the pro-choice PAC Emily's list that takes Palin's ridiculous meme and uses it against her. Terrifying though it may be, it seems that not all mothers agree with Palin and think that everything she says and does is perfectly in line with the modern American mother.

Sheryl Crow is one big Green jackass

The eco-friendly toilet paper zealot and sometimes singer Sheryl Crow is so deeply concerned about not upsetting Al Gore Mother Earth that she's completely alienating her concert promoters.


According to Crow’s rider, her tour party travels between gigs in two 45-foot buses (presumably bio-diesel), while her equipment is packed into two tractor-trailers. Indeed, the surefire way to eliminating a a major environmental footprint and combating global warming is hauling two gigantic tractor trailers across the great American landscape.

It seems that all "she wanna do" is have 100% recycled toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, reusable plates for catered food, and if there are disposable dishes on hand, they must be biodegradable. She wants all regular light bulbs exchanged for green ones, all food to be organic and everything—including the water—should be local.

A more sensible solution might be to commute from gig to gig on bike, but then that wouldn't be any fun for all of her devoted handlers.

Newt Gingrinch wants to tell you that he’s a Jack Ass.

Newt Gingrich was recently the target of a new Esquire piece in which his second wife (I lost track a while ago) spoke candidly about their 2000 divorce.



It seems that Gingrich finally admitted (everybody already knew) that he was having affair on his second wife amid going after evil chubby chaser President Bill Clinton’s penis during the impeachment hearings. Of course he was “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” while simultaneously touting the Republican party as the party of “family values”.


Here is a snippet of the interview with Marianne Gingrich. It seems Newt wanting her to accept her womanly role and tolerate his cheating:

He wanted to talk in person, he said.

“I said, ‘No, we need to talk now.’ “

He went quiet.

“There’s somebody else, isn’t there?”

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a

Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. ” ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ “

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

 

Apparently the car metaphor was apt when you consider how many times Newt has traded in for newer models.


Next time you catch Newt in a crashed up coup de ville you’ll know why.

First Lady living it up in Spain

Channeling her inner Sarah Palin,
First Lady Michelle Obama decided to play Sex in the City in Spain during a five day sojourn with Sasha and 40 of her closest friends

Obviously the best way to fight obesity in America is buying sleeveless (of course) dresses. Thus begging the question: why does Michelle Obama's arms hate America?

Many are criticizing the first lady for taking such a lavish trip amid a terrible recession and when she and the president lecture America on frugality. The bulk of the cost to taxpayers– $230,000 so far–for the first lady's vacation is for her security detail and the plane that flew her, her daughter and her 40 closest friends (all presumably with toned arms). 

 

[The taxpayer] will definitely be footing the bill for the First Lady’s 68-strong security detail, her personal staff – and the use of presidential jet Air Force Two….The American public will also cover the cost of the only official part of the holiday, a visit to the Spanish royal family on the island of Majorca.

It looks like Fatty Fatterson Jr. will just have to eat a box of wheat thins until First Lady Marie Antoinette Michelle Obama returns.