North Korea seriously misunderstands Memorial Day

I woke up this memorial day to news abounding on North Korea’s provocative missile launch and I must say, could we please give North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il what he really wants: a Hollywood movie deal. It would be refreshing to see the pariah leader make a two-hour bomb as opposed to a short-range one. Maybe even convince Judd Apatow to produce and Seth Rogan to star in, Super Juche.

The international community condemned the missile launch. Well, Russia actually expressed concern. Really, concern? I believe you express concern when one falls down or bumps their head, not when a dictatorial leader launches a missile. There are some that construe the launch as a direct message to Washington, which has devoted much of its focus to dealing with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Last year, a lot of people from Seoul and Washington visited Pyongyang telling Kim and his people that once Obama was in the White House, the U.S. was going to be a totally different entity to deal with," said Lee Dong-bok, a senior associate in Seoul for the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS). Adding,"but it's not working out that way. That's the reason North Korea is acting in such an erratic manner. "

("Just in case you forgot, I am still here and even a bigger dick than before. Now who is down for a round of strip missile launch?")

Michael Steele pulls back calling the Democratic Party the democratic socialist party.

Occasional politician and RNC spokesman by day and hip-hop legend by night, Michael Steele recently issued a memo opposing the renaming of the republican party because it would "accomplish little than to give the media and our opponents the opportunity to mischaracterize Republicans."

Mischaracterize the party of fiscally irresponsible, manichean, dogmatic, trollish authoritarian, jingoistic, war and fear mongering, bigoted bible thumping, socially and culturally backward, queer bashing, global warming denying, eco-anarchist, AK-47 touting Limbaughts?? We certainly wouldn't want to put a negative spin on that. Finding a pragmatic and sound solution to the massive global economic crisis invidiously sabotaging the economic well-being of every American through reasoned debate and consensus-building is, quite seemingly, out of the question. Who has the time for such frivilous matters when the republican sub-committee on a national security is still trying to reach a decision on whether Dijion mustard on burgers constitutes treason.

Earth to Earth Day

One Swine Day

The country was put into consternation over the weekend with reports of 40 instances of Swine Flu in America, with Mexico, the illness’s country of origin, reporting 149 deaths.

("Move over lettuce, peanuts, spinach, peppers, mad cows and slightly irritated cows, SARS and Paris Hilton, Monkey Pox, South American Beetles, and infected birds...there’s a new slippery slope de jure in town being convienenly airlifted to your dinner table.")

Swine flu is a respiratory disease, caused by influenza type A which infects pigs and listeners of Rush Limbaugh. It has hither/to not normally infected humans, but the latest form visibly does, and can be spread from person to person - probably through coughing and sneezing.

("Does that mean I gots to calls my health guy when I sneeze pork grinds")

Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose. Much like the seasonal version of the flu, the "swine" version is readily manageable by getting an RX for Tamiflu and Relenza from your walking blue pad. Of course the drug must be administered early in order to be effective.

The flu is a mutagenic disease and therefore will always poise a threat prevented, so lets please stop the post 9/11 hysteria and think rationally about what is preventable. For example, government oversight and strict regulation of agri-business. For eight solid years the bush Administration severely weakened and diluted every single environmental and biological safeguard on the books in order to maximize corporate profits. In addition to altering a section of the Endangered Species Act to allow oil drilling and other infrastructure projects to move forward on federal lands without consulting biological habitat experts, allowing the Department of Labor to propose a rule that would weaken how the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) calculate on-the-job risk, the Bush Administration gave a bigger gift to biotech industry when they weakened oversight of genetically engineered crops. Hell, it’s a widely known fact that Bin laden devours Arugula lettuce and anyone who doesn’t red meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner supports terrorism.

And while the welfare of the public and maximization of optimal health is a fundamental touchstone of a robust democracy, it is even greater that Joe Blow practice preventive medicine. You cannot turn on the nightly news without being inudanated with commercials of Americans farting, belching, and bellowing

(But the talking picture box said that we can eat a burger the size of Jupiter only if we take Nexium so bring out the NASA-sized grille!!")

The very nature of those commercials is to superficially conceal the symptoms as your health deteriorates o as to maintain the pharmaceutical industries iron grip on the status quo of healthcare. Hey, it’s not like I don’t indulge in these otherwise deleterious activities on occasion, but I’m just saying that a lot of us do it blindly and think that it’s perfectly okay.

My exchange with Twentieth Century Fox

So last month I was told by the legal team at a new media site that my well-recieved contest entry was flagged due to copyrighted material. Basically, I used the charater images from Family guy to bring life to my voiceover impersonations. Well, after repeatedly being told to go fuck myself by pretend lawyers, I decided to reach out to the devil himself at Twentieth Century Fox. And let me just say that the devil is much more prompt and punctual then pretend lawyers, but I suppose that is just how pretend hell works. Anyway, I am including the freshly faxed letter I just received from one of Fox's minions.

Thank you for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("Fox"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials. Because this decision was made based upon internal, and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration. Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647.

Thank you for your interest in licensing Fox material and good luck with your project.

Sincerely,
Andy Bandit

Now as someone who rather enjoys editing,allow me to me clean up some of those pesky typo-s.

Fuck You for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("The Second Death Star"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials, including Michael J. Fox and Matthew Fox. Because this decision was made based upon internal (a.k.a, a super computer with a laugh track), and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration; in fact, it was given just as much thoughtful consideration as the writing for "Til Death". Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647. Fuck you for your interest in licensing Fox material and take your little insignificant project and shove it up your little insignificant ass.

Regulation? Fuget about it!

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AIG and Angry Bob

I'll readily admit that I would sooner see Dysentery coupled with Cherry Garcia before Angry Bob and AIG, but in today's hysterical times the line between reality and fiction is so unbelievably blurred that you need Dr. Manhattan's superior vision in order to see it. The fallout from Wall Streets risky business and rapacious greed has brought the country, its elected officials, and evens its comedians to their knees; consequently, making AIG (Annuities in Guano)and its odious, ever-so vacuous gaggle of henchmen about as popular with the American taxpayer as Audit Tuesday. Whenever tragedy and idiocy strike at the heart (assuming we didn't sell it to China) and soul (assuming we didn't sell it to Saudi Arabia) of the American polity, comedians have always raced to the occasion as the white knights of satire who are armed only with sarcasm. Of course today’s comedian is a d-student, foulmouthed, unoriginal frat boy/sonority girl, catapulting to fame with their phenomenally hackneyed and breathtakingly insipid observations that make Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian seem like Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon. However, one brave mordant mastodon with more wit than chins proved that sharp-edged satire is more relevant and even more sorely needed now than ever before.

Instead of focusing on the 163 billion in monies that snakes on private planes misappropriated in given away willy nilly to Henry Paulson's old chums at Goldman Sachs, certain individuals in the sexy, downloadable realm of new journalism (individuals who wikipedia J-School) would rather you misdirect your populist outrage and shoot the merry messenger. It seems as though Jason Jinkins, a reporter with the Huffington Post, posted an article entitled "CNN CALLER SAYS AIG EXECS SHOULD BE SHOT" – where he took what Angry Bob said in jest as something sincere, failing to see the painfully obvious humor behind it, not to mention the fact that Angry Bob has been billed as a COMEDIAN on Rick Sanchez's program on CNN. Moreover, the man's first name is freakin’ Angry! So either he's a COMEDIAN or his parents never referred to the Big Book of Baby Names, but I am going to have to go with the former for 1000, Alex. Worse yet, the hack with a high speed connection has completely and utterly silenced Angry Bob from offering an explanation and even flagging all of his comments on the blog itself. Not even the E isengruppen Nazi Germany death squad could silence Angry Bob, so I am really curious to see how some talentless, humorless amateur with a Mac Air plans to do so. Im short, I am downright appalled to see the Huffington Post– one of the last vestiges of informed debate and unbiased reporting–besmirch Angry Bob by doing the very thing it so vehemently lambasts– twisting the facts and turning non stories into news.