Where the Glass is half full of Shit

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Santa's Soliloquy

"Why go on?" Santa contemplated as he watched the snow fall with a jaundiced eye. "Another insufferable, unremitting winter." Of course, he knew it wasn't just the winter: It was the eternal tedium of flying interminably about earth every year delivering the latest state-of-the-art (Soon-to-be-obsolete) cheap, imported presents; it was the insubordinate little brats who rarely if ever left a morsel of a cookie or a drop of milk; it was nearly going bankrupt trying to pay for Rudolf's cancer treatment for the malignant lymphoma in his nose; it was the internecine struggles between the intransigent elf and reindeer unions; it was having to let go his helpers because apparently the North Pole isn't too big to fail; it was having to see Sarah Palin from his factory; and since his wife left him for the leaner and more fit Kwanza Kareem, the onerous addition of paparazzi incessantly harrassing him. All of this unbearable mess had become an inveterate part of Christmas

Compound this with Prancer's intemperance of being his number 2 guy and Santa was ready to sell his pristine acreage of permafrost to Exxon Mobil. "I should indeed leave this wretched place once and for all," Santa ruminated as he sat intractably in his wooded chair since Mrs. Claus had inherited the Ikea furniture from the divorce. In spite of all of this seemingly ineluctable misery, Santa had an epiphany: "I wonder what the Goldbergs are doing on the 25th?"

Thursday, December 10, 2009

press release http://ping.fm/Rgt46
The Nobel Prize has been officially changed to Not George Bush Prize.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

All Hail the Freedom Tray!

Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!

I give you the Freedom Tray!

Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!

If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

The 10 most annoying Things about Facebook

Okay, so I inadvertently stumbled upon this news feed on, believe it or, AOL and it was surprisingly witty. Yes, I maintain an AOL account solely for spam and Nigerian scams.

At any rate, I came across a facebook harangue that we should not only read, but preach it like it were the fucking Sermon on the Mount! I'm taking the liberty of including some of the sharper complaints, a link to the whole story, as well as a few choice ones of my very own. Enjoy and discuss! More important, READ AND ADHERE!!

1. What's the difference between "News feed" and "Live feed"? And why can't Facebook remember which I prefer? And could we just call it what it really is: facelift

2. Obvious celebrity marketing ploys. Why it's annoying: Celebrities love Facebook -- or so it would seem. But all too often, it's someone writing on their behalf (and often poorly). That doesn't stop avid fans from falling over themselves to 'like' every comment and chime in as though they are actually having a conversation with the celebrity.

In my opinion, the a-list celeb, comedian, or writer is probably
not going to respond from their dumbass Twitterberry (sex act?) nonetheless message you and say how utterly grateful they are that you have a keyboard and high speed connection.



3. (And this is my own) They incredibly lazy, uncreative drudges who simply right "is" in their status updates. It's neither witty or pensive so you're better off just playing Mafia wars, Farmville, or some other pointless shit with which to distract you from your miserable, drab workplace.

4. (And this is my own) Unless you're actually a student of politics, have worked on campaigns, hold degrees in politics or journalism, or actually contribute to the political discussion by writing and/or contributing to a viable, legitimate online news source (and commenting on some lame ass blog doesn't count), I could care less about your stance on health care reform. If there's anything worse than a fundamentally wrong, poorly argued position that's laced with fallacies and unsubstantiated facts and substantive quotes, it's having to endure some dilettante pontificate on matters about which they no little if anything. Oh, and inputing a search term into Wikepedia doesn't make you fucking Henry Clay, Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Paul Krugman, John Stuart Mill, Noam Chomsky, or Milton Friedman. I realize that echelon may seem helter-skelter, and that some of these political minds are rather douchey, but they are MINDS. And you really cannot do this when you're playing Farmville or tagging a picture of your dumbass in a bikini in front of a mirror. Doing so would make you a mirror skank, not a politico.

For the actual article, click here , assuming my commentary wasn't just as lame;)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Parodying Palin is like Spearfishing out of a barrel

Since no living creature with more than two chromosomes can tolerate a nanosecond of opportunistic, vapid, empty-headed, blithering, babbling Bible Spice hawk her illiterate ghostwritten (will have to be ghost READ as well) piece of shit to boost Oprah's ratings, the brilliant comedic minds once again exposed the sideshow circus act made into a celebrity for what she really is in two separate but equally hilarious segments.

Jon Stewart rips the moron on a new one

Conan rips the moron a new one

Then read about all the blatant falsehoods in her illeterate, ghostwritten piece of shit
The book you should read!