Phelps Caught with pot: Scheduled to endorse Cheetos

800 billion surplus died in the Senate? Nope. Our newly anointed African American president assassinated? Not nearly as important. The horrific news that is sure to shock and terrify our nation's people for decades to come is the news that Michael Phelps, an Olympic hero, was caught hitting a bong or "cannabis pipe" as the ridiculously pc media called it. Big..fucking...deal! Now, if you were to tell me that he was found felching a twelve year old orphan with down syndrome, I still probably wouldn't give a shit; but I would at least be shocked if the media used 'Felch' in the headline.

(Looks more like a penis pump than the pot smokers all time favorite apparatus)

So the archetype for Ben Stiller's lovable character Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder has engaged in act in which 30 percent of college students aged 18-25 in the year 2008 have engaged in.

Our merciless laws and complete and utter irrational attitude toward the plant that provided us with the soundtrack to our weddings intimidated this sheepish star of the pool so much that he was forced to apologize in a manner befitting a Nazi war criminal.

"I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again," said Phelps.

Well, according to NORML, nearly 47 percent of Americans have acted youthful at least once in their lifetime. And as Norman Kent, a Fort Lauderdale lawyer and board member of NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, scoffed: ``More people died last year from eating spinach than smoking pot.

Obviously, I am not positing that reckless and irresponsible usage of this ever-so magical plant (try it and you just might find god) isn't inherently possible; however, I am flat out saying that Michael Phelps, despite being regarded as some fucking Atlas with fins, is in fact a 23 year old and should be treated as such. Now can we please go back to the latest real celebrity with a meth addiction