Whips, Chains, and Bondage! Oh my!

So the party of "fiscal responsibility" (Ignore the last eight years when a non-Democrat black guy was in office) and "family values" was recently caught with its pants down and sweaty one dollar bills in hand when it was discovered that The Republican National Committee reimbursed about $2,000 in expenses rung up by the Young Eagles at a Hollywood nightclub featuring topless dancers and bondage outfits. The good news is that it the women were of age and, um, they were ACTUALLY women.

"Gay Marriage is a foul and detestable affront to family values and the word of the lord. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and bareback some gay biker I met on manhunt." ~ Rep. Roy Ashburn

Whether obfuscating or obstructing, the Republican party lost its footing a long time ago and, more recently, has been handed down to a horde of fat, stupid, angry white men and their equally fat, stupid and angry spouses. Moreover, a group that has about as much understanding of public (not pubic)policy and democratic governance as they do with sex slang. A group that thinks Obama is some sort of secret radical, half-breed fabric.

A group that somehow and someway believes the ability to articulate oneself in public equates one to the murdering of six million Jews.

Indeed, the party has nothing to run on but fear and fear itself.

In short, the salacious and lascivious peregrination on the part of Michael Steele and the GOP has finally brought back some dignity to the Republican party.

Meet your Teabagger

Here we see Wilford Brimley's lesser known brother, Jeebus Diabeetus Brimley. Now don't let those stylish dollar store tea bag/makeshift earrings fool you, as I'm sure Mr. Jeebus is prepared to say something so stark, poignant and utterly profound that surely I will be weeping uncontrollably.

So what exactly do you think Jeebus is about to say to this Fox News Distorter? Leave your comments below.

Shut the front door? Biden said what now?!

Our great nation was brought to its knees in great shock and horror when it learned of a an unspeakable tragedy. Sitting Vice-President and Gaffe Machine 2.0 Joe Biden said the word fuck during the historic signing of President Obama's Health care legislation.

"This is a big f-----' deal," Biden whispered into President Barack Obama's
ear and was picked up by a very sensitive microphone, The Hill reported.

Oh, would somebody please think about the
children!

Shame on you, Mr. Vice President! Vice-president's cannot become overly effusive and utter such offensive vulgarities upon witnessing the promulgation and signing of a monumental achievement that will avail millions of Americans, but rather they may only use this word when they want to unapologetically tell a Senior Senator to go F--k themselves!

And you wonder why his daughter turned out to be gay? Over the years she was perpetually overhearing her father telling folks to "go fuck themselves" and I guess she just ran with it.

Now, I refuse to kowtow to the supercilious and ridiculously punctilious merits of political correctness and its complete and utter destruction of the English language. The Fuck word (not the F-word) and its usage is one of my all time favorite past times, and I vehemently defend its usage, however. It is vital to be vigilant of decorum and context when using it. For instance, it would be a great disservice to Abbey Hoffman and George Carlin if one were to say " I just beat the fuck out of that homeless bum with no arms or legs." Better yet, telling a senior senator to "go fuck himself" when he was questioning the voracity behind your (Dick Cheney) noisome activities.

But let's momentarily step away from the fuck word to highlight the type of language the GOP and its supporters (e.g., the Teabaggers) inappropriately use.

During their million moron march on Washington on the eve of passage of the HCR, the Teabaggers--notorious for saying vile, outdated slurs--chanted “nigger,” as civil rights hero Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) and fellow Congressional Caucus member Andre Carson (D-IN) walked by.

Indeed, the Teabaggers speak redneck as a second language. But come on!
Surely you fat, white, old and angry fodder of the GOP aren't just socially backward racists?

Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), an openly gay congressmen, was called a "faggot," as protesters shouted at him with deliberately lisp-y screams. Such thoughtful, intelligent opposition! I suppose it is a refreshing change from the usual irrational and retarded "Obama is a muslin (not Muslim but 'muslin') socialist Nazi" ephitets for which these empty-headed shittards are so famous.

In short, let's stop pretendingthat Vice-President Biden saying fuck to express his joy and jubilation over something for which he worked his entire legislative career is newsworthy. Instead, let's focus on how far and far the GOP and their supporters are from kookistan and devolving by the second.

Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks.

The Texas Board of Education had been meeting all week to revise (blatantly re-write)its social studies curriculum. Yes, believe it or not, Texas has a social studies curriculum.

During the past three days, “the board’s far-right faction wielded their power to shape lessons on the civil rights movement, the U.S. free enterprise system and hundreds of other topics.

After all, it's s widely known, incontrovertible fact that Thomas Jefferson was a transgender member of the Black Panthers and good friends with Bill Ayers and Michael Moore.

In case you're curious as to what enlightening facts and information the Texas Board used in lieu of those shameful, seditious, and utterly fallacious facts in the history books, I'm including them all below.

• The fifth member on the Declaration Committee was Toby McKeith

• Rick Warren braved the tumultuous ice swollen Delaware River to attack a Hessian garrison in Houston.

• Ronald Reagan ran an infantry of televangelists onto the shore of Normandy to defeat Bill Clinton's horny horde of chubby intern Nazis

• The earth was created 5 thousand years ago by George W. Bush when he cleared some brush in the Garden of Eden and discovered oil

Rush Limbaugh threatens to leave if HCR passes

The world's most impotent man and foremost authority on fat and stupid white problems, Rush Limbaugh, declared in high dudgeon that he will flee the US for Costa Rica should HRC pass.

Click here and watch and listen listen below to hear me impersonate the gargantuan lizard in parody fashion.

Thank You for Smoking, Mr. President: In Defense of President Obama's smoking

The country currently finds itself ruminating over consequences detrimental to the health and safety of our way of life: what brand does the president smoke and when did he smoke it? Indeed, Barack Obama's struggle to quit smoking has been amply chronicled over the past couple of years: apparently being president of the United States means that you can wage illegal wars and subsequent occupations, shred the constitution, and destroy the environment, but you MOST certainly CAN'T suck down the coolest method acting prop while simultaneously omitting a decidedly uncool cough that can be heard.

(The President showing off his lighter thumb. Oohh yeah, so cool and smooth!)

This is what scientists and health experts say Obama will look like a year from now

As a smoker, I am all too familiar with the societal disdain and aversion with which my nasty habit brings. Moreover, I'm equally familiar with the great many periods in which I quit, which makes me reminiscent of Mark Twain's quip..."Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." But let's examine the former a little bit further.

Have you ever been to a Dennys in this country? Surely you have seen with great shock and horror as some of America's finest fat and stupid scoff down a pallate of high-fructose, hydrogenated diabetic offerings in the form of pancakes before they return to the ocean. Surely you've bared witnessed to the fat and stupid in-waiting spawn of Fatty McFatterson screaming incessantly and running helter-skelter all over the shitkicking place, whilst Fatty McFatterson doesn't so much lift its potato head from its troff to reprimand its vile spawn, no? I would say Denny's should enforce leash laws for children, but the fuckers there are so fat that it's really hard to distinguish the children from the retarded man-children. But I digress.

All of the obscene, massively unhealthy and incorrigibly obnoxious aforementioned behavior is socially acceptable and welcomed with warm, fled flinstone-esque arms. But smoking?

Get's on the train! Heil Hitler!

Indeed, if you're a smoker in America you have about as much rights as a rabid badger. As a libertarian, I'm a firm believer in maximizing the liberty of the individual and freeing him from burdensome government intervention. And yes, I realize that my habit does infringe upon another individuals health and increases the liberty of him/her, so I am in complete compliance to reasonable and rational attitudes towards it. But you fucking nazis!

(Your Modern-Day Smoker's Lounge)

It's painfully obvious that politicians love to moralize and expostulate when it suits their political expedience, all while gleefully reaping in those hefty revenues for their pet projects. Moreover, the government is no different then the Mafia when it comes to cigarettes, only they have shitty taste in clothes. So let's stop pretending that they care about our welfare and overall health.

In short, i feel this issue can be wonderfully encapsulated by Mr. Nick Naylor--the fictional fast-talking tobacco lobbyist character from Jason Reitman's (The Juno guy) brilliant satire Thank You for Smoking.

The Official Unofficial transript of Bible Spice's Teabagger Convention Speech

First and foremost, it should probably be noted that a woman who cannot spell the word spell shouldn't be getting boat loads of Neiman Marcus cash. But I'm sure you already knew that. Oh wait, I forgot that one of the teabagers defining charateristics is that they cannot spell for shit.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

It's no National Secret that Obama is made out of silk.

My all time Fav

So this past weekend Sarah Palin took time out of her busy schedule of trying to convince rational America that she's not Karl Rove's sexbot invention and addressed throngs of her most ardent (only) supporters: a unwashed group of rugged individualists that are utterly ignorant to the hilarious sexual innuendo of their movement and even more ignorant to the underlying message of the original tea party, which I believe was 'no taxation WITHOUT representation' and not 'too much taxation with representation. I'm referring of course to the teabaggers, a untidy fringe group of disgruntled, middle to lower class white Americans that actually benefit from Obama's economic policies but yet seem to think he's Hitler or the joker or whatever criminally idiotic epithets they recently came up with.


While I cannot subject you to the actual transcript of the snow cunt's blithering babble, I decided to break it down for you in a digestable format by including a hillarious summary I picked up from the Immoral Minority blog. Some very funny stuff! I wonder if Sarah Palin had to look to her hand in order to remember the part where she slammed president Obama for using a teleprompter (republican hack talking point)?

Part One:

Hello America...Happy Birthday Ronald Reagan...hello C-Span...kiss teabagger ass...kiss more teabagger ass...slam the media..kiss new Senator Scott Brown's ass (yummy)...slam Pelosi..slam Rahm Emanuel...defend George Bush, give stupid advice to Democrats...kiss more yummy Scott Brown ass...liberal left = establishmt(?)...talks about her gubernatorial race...something about her ideas(?)...tea party movement don't need no stinking leaders....tells insulting teleprompter joke at Obama's expense (Must not have watched him kick a room full of GOP ass with no teleprompter help whatsoever!)...another big wet lip lock on the teabagger butts..

Part Two:

Blames Obama for Christmas day underwear bomber (I wonder who she blames for 9-11?)...repeats lie that reading Umar Abdulmutallab his Miranda rights made him stop cooperating (Somebody needs to channel surf away from Fox News once in awhile)...brings up her son Track and his possible death as a reason to NOT give Abdumutallab any rights...makes case that respecting Abdulmutallab's right to counsel "scares her" for her children (?)...brings back phrase "radical Islamic extremists". (Gee I had so hoped that with the Bush administration gone we had heard the last of that bullshit phrase!)...pisses on Obama's foreign policy decisions...blames administration for missile tests in South Korea (Didn't they do that when Bush was in office too?) and Israel's lack of confidence (Yeah NOW they know that if they attack Iran they may be on their own)...mixes up America and Alaska (THAT will show up on Countdown and the Daily Show next week....wants administration to change course...applauds decision to send more troops into Afghanistan...makes tired old claim that "democracies don't go to war with each other"(Oh yes they do)...quotes John F. Kennedy (who is right now spinning in his grave) to convince Obama not to blame country's problems on Bush...

Part Three:

Talks about when she rejected stimulus money in Alaska...then mentions that her own fellow Republicans overwrote her veto...makes fun of Joe Biden (I bet now he wishes he had kicked her fake tanned ass in that VP debate!)...Without a hint of irony she is dinging the Obama administration for its lack of transparency...now pretending like she understands economic issues..."sweetheart dills?" (When will this woman learn to say "deals? Sounds like she is talking about Valentine's Day pickles!)...unbelievably blames national debt on Obama administration...once again tries to make the point that problems could be solved like a family doing its budget...just tighten your belts...imbecile...again tries to blame the debt on Obama and calls it "generational theft" (Did this woman sleep through the Bush administration?)...Palin, "as the saying goes If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't' be in the circus" (Well if she is looking for a circus she is certainly came to the right place. Just look at all of the clowns.)...Claims that her administration "put government back on the side of the people" (I was one of those people. Trust me, her government was NOT on my side!)

Part Four:

Says that "if government got out of the way" our economy would "roar back to life" (Didn't the Bush administration stay out of the way of big business? I don't remember a roaring economy then, do you?)...recites campaign slogan of an "all of the above approach to energy" (Which is a fancy way of saying "Let's just try everything, but let's give more money to oil and gas companies because they give big to republicans")...and let's relax those regulations for off shore drilling (Cleaning up devastating oil spills is a "job creator" too!)..."How can I help our country?" she asks (You may submit your suggestion in the comments section)...Oh "sit down and shut up", that was MY suggestion!..You don't need an office to make a difference. (Just plastic surgery, a bumpit, and a couple of segments on Fox News.)...Brings up the Constitution as best "road map" (I wonder if she is making a mental note to have Piper read her that document some day?)...Ooh teabaggers jump up when you say "Constitution"...jump little baggers, jump...."Enduring truths" have been passed down from Washington, to Reagan, to you. (Is it my imagination or did she skip a whole buttload of presidents there? Or are those the only ones the baggers recognize?)...Did she just refer to the teabagger movement as "young and fresh"? Is she not seeing the same middle age faces in the crowd that I am seeing?...Oops running out of topics, time to talk about the attacks on her children...Teabaggers go "Boo"...Teabaggers good, and kind, and selfless (Everything that Sarah Palin is not.)...Happy birthday Ronnie!Is talking about Reagan choking her up?...Surely that is an act for the crowd...You know i think we already live in a world where children with special needs are welcomed...and embraced...Do they think only Teabaggers love children?...Oop time to pander...combining Reagan with god is a guaranteed standing "O"... "This movement is about the people" (The people who buy my book, pay me $100,000 to speak here, and who give freely to SarahPAC.)...God bless you teapartiers...You simple, simple teapartiers.