Get your very own talkshow on Fox News

In case you ever pondered to yourself how any respectable school of journalism or any institution of higher learning could bequeath a Fox News personality with a degree and how any employer with more than two brain cells could generously employ them, here's what you need to know.

To be a female Fox News talking head:

Blond and leggy, ridiculously well-coiffed bored, contemptible Orange County housewife with teeth that are more bleached than your hair. Spout as many overly simplistic talking points as your paramecium sized brain can remember. Love small town America and hate Michelle Obama and her arms. Most important, be sure that you're wearing more make-up than a dancer at a GOP strip club fundraiser

To be a current male Fox News talking head:

Severely bi-polar, doom-prophesying, barely literate angry white guy full of painkillers. Have the emotional equivalent of a 13 year old teenage girl just grounded on Prom or the mental equivalent of a great big fat kid frying ants with a magnifying glass. Never listen to any of your non planted guests and be sure to let them know that they are Stalinist/Nazi/fascists.

To be a classic male Fox News talking head:

Stuffy, uncaring, greedy washed up wall street baron country club Republican from the 80s who was too absolutist moralist for coke. Treat the smallest efforts at regulation as a coup de' tat and never, NEVER mention that Bush was president during the financial meltdown and that perhaps his administration played a role.

Whips, Chains, and Bondage! Oh my!

So the party of "fiscal responsibility" (Ignore the last eight years when a non-Democrat black guy was in office) and "family values" was recently caught with its pants down and sweaty one dollar bills in hand when it was discovered that The Republican National Committee reimbursed about $2,000 in expenses rung up by the Young Eagles at a Hollywood nightclub featuring topless dancers and bondage outfits. The good news is that it the women were of age and, um, they were ACTUALLY women.

"Gay Marriage is a foul and detestable affront to family values and the word of the lord. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and bareback some gay biker I met on manhunt." ~ Rep. Roy Ashburn

Whether obfuscating or obstructing, the Republican party lost its footing a long time ago and, more recently, has been handed down to a horde of fat, stupid, angry white men and their equally fat, stupid and angry spouses. Moreover, a group that has about as much understanding of public (not pubic)policy and democratic governance as they do with sex slang. A group that thinks Obama is some sort of secret radical, half-breed fabric.

A group that somehow and someway believes the ability to articulate oneself in public equates one to the murdering of six million Jews.

Indeed, the party has nothing to run on but fear and fear itself.

In short, the salacious and lascivious peregrination on the part of Michael Steele and the GOP has finally brought back some dignity to the Republican party.

Meet your Teabagger

Here we see Wilford Brimley's lesser known brother, Jeebus Diabeetus Brimley. Now don't let those stylish dollar store tea bag/makeshift earrings fool you, as I'm sure Mr. Jeebus is prepared to say something so stark, poignant and utterly profound that surely I will be weeping uncontrollably.

So what exactly do you think Jeebus is about to say to this Fox News Distorter? Leave your comments below.

Shut the front door? Biden said what now?!

Our great nation was brought to its knees in great shock and horror when it learned of a an unspeakable tragedy. Sitting Vice-President and Gaffe Machine 2.0 Joe Biden said the word fuck during the historic signing of President Obama's Health care legislation.

"This is a big f-----' deal," Biden whispered into President Barack Obama's
ear and was picked up by a very sensitive microphone, The Hill reported.

Oh, would somebody please think about the
children!

Shame on you, Mr. Vice President! Vice-president's cannot become overly effusive and utter such offensive vulgarities upon witnessing the promulgation and signing of a monumental achievement that will avail millions of Americans, but rather they may only use this word when they want to unapologetically tell a Senior Senator to go F--k themselves!

And you wonder why his daughter turned out to be gay? Over the years she was perpetually overhearing her father telling folks to "go fuck themselves" and I guess she just ran with it.

Now, I refuse to kowtow to the supercilious and ridiculously punctilious merits of political correctness and its complete and utter destruction of the English language. The Fuck word (not the F-word) and its usage is one of my all time favorite past times, and I vehemently defend its usage, however. It is vital to be vigilant of decorum and context when using it. For instance, it would be a great disservice to Abbey Hoffman and George Carlin if one were to say " I just beat the fuck out of that homeless bum with no arms or legs." Better yet, telling a senior senator to "go fuck himself" when he was questioning the voracity behind your (Dick Cheney) noisome activities.

But let's momentarily step away from the fuck word to highlight the type of language the GOP and its supporters (e.g., the Teabaggers) inappropriately use.

During their million moron march on Washington on the eve of passage of the HCR, the Teabaggers--notorious for saying vile, outdated slurs--chanted “nigger,” as civil rights hero Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) and fellow Congressional Caucus member Andre Carson (D-IN) walked by.

Indeed, the Teabaggers speak redneck as a second language. But come on!
Surely you fat, white, old and angry fodder of the GOP aren't just socially backward racists?

Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), an openly gay congressmen, was called a "faggot," as protesters shouted at him with deliberately lisp-y screams. Such thoughtful, intelligent opposition! I suppose it is a refreshing change from the usual irrational and retarded "Obama is a muslin (not Muslim but 'muslin') socialist Nazi" ephitets for which these empty-headed shittards are so famous.

In short, let's stop pretendingthat Vice-President Biden saying fuck to express his joy and jubilation over something for which he worked his entire legislative career is newsworthy. Instead, let's focus on how far and far the GOP and their supporters are from kookistan and devolving by the second.

Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks.

The Texas Board of Education had been meeting all week to revise (blatantly re-write)its social studies curriculum. Yes, believe it or not, Texas has a social studies curriculum.

During the past three days, “the board’s far-right faction wielded their power to shape lessons on the civil rights movement, the U.S. free enterprise system and hundreds of other topics.

After all, it's s widely known, incontrovertible fact that Thomas Jefferson was a transgender member of the Black Panthers and good friends with Bill Ayers and Michael Moore.

In case you're curious as to what enlightening facts and information the Texas Board used in lieu of those shameful, seditious, and utterly fallacious facts in the history books, I'm including them all below.

• The fifth member on the Declaration Committee was Toby McKeith

• Rick Warren braved the tumultuous ice swollen Delaware River to attack a Hessian garrison in Houston.

• Ronald Reagan ran an infantry of televangelists onto the shore of Normandy to defeat Bill Clinton's horny horde of chubby intern Nazis

• The earth was created 5 thousand years ago by George W. Bush when he cleared some brush in the Garden of Eden and discovered oil

Rush Limbaugh threatens to leave if HCR passes

The world's most impotent man and foremost authority on fat and stupid white problems, Rush Limbaugh, declared in high dudgeon that he will flee the US for Costa Rica should HRC pass.

Click here and watch and listen listen below to hear me impersonate the gargantuan lizard in parody fashion.

Thank You for Smoking, Mr. President: In Defense of President Obama's smoking

The country currently finds itself ruminating over consequences detrimental to the health and safety of our way of life: what brand does the president smoke and when did he smoke it? Indeed, Barack Obama's struggle to quit smoking has been amply chronicled over the past couple of years: apparently being president of the United States means that you can wage illegal wars and subsequent occupations, shred the constitution, and destroy the environment, but you MOST certainly CAN'T suck down the coolest method acting prop while simultaneously omitting a decidedly uncool cough that can be heard.

(The President showing off his lighter thumb. Oohh yeah, so cool and smooth!)

This is what scientists and health experts say Obama will look like a year from now

As a smoker, I am all too familiar with the societal disdain and aversion with which my nasty habit brings. Moreover, I'm equally familiar with the great many periods in which I quit, which makes me reminiscent of Mark Twain's quip..."Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." But let's examine the former a little bit further.

Have you ever been to a Dennys in this country? Surely you have seen with great shock and horror as some of America's finest fat and stupid scoff down a pallate of high-fructose, hydrogenated diabetic offerings in the form of pancakes before they return to the ocean. Surely you've bared witnessed to the fat and stupid in-waiting spawn of Fatty McFatterson screaming incessantly and running helter-skelter all over the shitkicking place, whilst Fatty McFatterson doesn't so much lift its potato head from its troff to reprimand its vile spawn, no? I would say Denny's should enforce leash laws for children, but the fuckers there are so fat that it's really hard to distinguish the children from the retarded man-children. But I digress.

All of the obscene, massively unhealthy and incorrigibly obnoxious aforementioned behavior is socially acceptable and welcomed with warm, fled flinstone-esque arms. But smoking?

Get's on the train! Heil Hitler!

Indeed, if you're a smoker in America you have about as much rights as a rabid badger. As a libertarian, I'm a firm believer in maximizing the liberty of the individual and freeing him from burdensome government intervention. And yes, I realize that my habit does infringe upon another individuals health and increases the liberty of him/her, so I am in complete compliance to reasonable and rational attitudes towards it. But you fucking nazis!

(Your Modern-Day Smoker's Lounge)

It's painfully obvious that politicians love to moralize and expostulate when it suits their political expedience, all while gleefully reaping in those hefty revenues for their pet projects. Moreover, the government is no different then the Mafia when it comes to cigarettes, only they have shitty taste in clothes. So let's stop pretending that they care about our welfare and overall health.

In short, i feel this issue can be wonderfully encapsulated by Mr. Nick Naylor--the fictional fast-talking tobacco lobbyist character from Jason Reitman's (The Juno guy) brilliant satire Thank You for Smoking.