Santa's Soliloquy

"Why go on?" Santa contemplated as he watched the snow fall with a jaundiced eye. "Another insufferable, unremitting winter." Of course, he knew it wasn't just the winter: It was the eternal tedium of flying interminably about earth every year delivering the latest state-of-the-art (Soon-to-be-obsolete) cheap, imported presents; it was the insubordinate little brats who rarely if ever left a morsel of a cookie or a drop of milk; it was nearly going bankrupt trying to pay for Rudolf's cancer treatment for the malignant lymphoma in his nose; it was the internecine struggles between the intransigent elf and reindeer unions; it was having to let go his helpers because apparently the North Pole isn't too big to fail; it was having to see Sarah Palin from his factory; and since his wife left him for the leaner and more fit Kwanza Kareem, the onerous addition of paparazzi incessantly harrassing him. All of this unbearable mess had become an inveterate part of Christmas

Compound this with Prancer's intemperance of being his number 2 guy and Santa was ready to sell his pristine acreage of permafrost to Exxon Mobil. "I should indeed leave this wretched place once and for all," Santa ruminated as he sat intractably in his wooded chair since Mrs. Claus had inherited the Ikea furniture from the divorce. In spite of all of this seemingly ineluctable misery, Santa had an epiphany: "I wonder what the Goldbergs are doing on the 25th?"

press release http://ping.fm/Rgt46

The Nobel Prize has been officially changed to Not George Bush Prize.

http://ping.fm/qv3ng

All Hail the Freedom Tray!

Bored with the Paula Dean merchandise that you trampled over some poor octogenarian Walmart greeter to get? Of course you are! Having a majorly hard time trying to balance a lap-full of white castle and taco bell whilst nursing a bucket of Code Red Mountain Dew? Of course you are! Need a patriotic table on which to devour a small cow while you protest Nobama's filthy Socialist promise to keep health disorders in check? Can I get a Hell Yeah!!!

I give you the Freedom Tray!

Just in time for the War on Christmas comes this full-blooded American dinner tray that allows you and your fatty McFatterson offspring to hate non-Christians, Democrats, organic food, Mexicans, and al-qaeda and eat freedom fries all at the same time. A solid oak wood dinner table is notorious for cocksucking Muslims and liberals, so show Lou Dobbs and freedom that you won't back down with this freedom loving tray! Fuck Yeah!

If not, go back to Fuckistan you muthafucking Fuckistanis!!

The 10 most annoying Things about Facebook

Okay, so I inadvertently stumbled upon this news feed on, believe it or, AOL and it was surprisingly witty. Yes, I maintain an AOL account solely for spam and Nigerian scams.

At any rate, I came across a facebook harangue that we should not only read, but preach it like it were the fucking Sermon on the Mount! I'm taking the liberty of including some of the sharper complaints, a link to the whole story, as well as a few choice ones of my very own. Enjoy and discuss! More important, READ AND ADHERE!!

1. What's the difference between "News feed" and "Live feed"? And why can't Facebook remember which I prefer? And could we just call it what it really is: facelift

2. Obvious celebrity marketing ploys. Why it's annoying: Celebrities love Facebook -- or so it would seem. But all too often, it's someone writing on their behalf (and often poorly). That doesn't stop avid fans from falling over themselves to 'like' every comment and chime in as though they are actually having a conversation with the celebrity.

In my opinion, the a-list celeb, comedian, or writer is probably
not going to respond from their dumbass Twitterberry (sex act?) nonetheless message you and say how utterly grateful they are that you have a keyboard and high speed connection.

3. (And this is my own) They incredibly lazy, uncreative drudges who simply right "is" in their status updates. It's neither witty or pensive so you're better off just playing Mafia wars, Farmville, or some other pointless shit with which to distract you from your miserable, drab workplace.

4. (And this is my own) Unless you're actually a student of politics, have worked on campaigns, hold degrees in politics or journalism, or actually contribute to the political discussion by writing and/or contributing to a viable, legitimate online news source (and commenting on some lame ass blog doesn't count), I could care less about your stance on health care reform. If there's anything worse than a fundamentally wrong, poorly argued position that's laced with fallacies and unsubstantiated facts and substantive quotes, it's having to endure some dilettante pontificate on matters about which they no little if anything. Oh, and inputing a search term into Wikepedia doesn't make you fucking Henry Clay, Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Paul Krugman, John Stuart Mill, Noam Chomsky, or Milton Friedman. I realize that echelon may seem helter-skelter, and that some of these political minds are rather douchey, but they are MINDS. And you really cannot do this when you're playing Farmville or tagging a picture of your dumbass in a bikini in front of a mirror. Doing so would make you a mirror skank, not a politico.

For the actual article, click here , assuming my commentary wasn't just as lame;)

Parodying Palin is like Spearfishing out of a barrel

Since no living creature with more than two chromosomes can tolerate a nanosecond of opportunistic, vapid, empty-headed, blithering, babbling Bible Spice hawk her illiterate ghostwritten (will have to be ghost READ as well) piece of shit to boost Oprah's ratings, the brilliant comedic minds once again exposed the sideshow circus act made into a celebrity for what she really is in two separate but equally hilarious segments.

Jon Stewart rips the moron on a new one

Conan rips the moron a new one

Then read about all the blatant falsehoods in her illeterate, ghostwritten piece of shit

The book you should read!

Snuggies for dogs: Why should YOU only look like a douche

So I realize this post may come as a radical departure from the usual sharp-edged, wonky socio-political commentary for which I'm most known, but i simply couldn't resist the temptation to bash, smash, and pretty much obliterate any chance that some unsuspecting schmuck might inadvertently stumble upon this abomination. I simply could not allow that. And they say I'm a cold-hearted, cantankerous cynic who cares very little for my fellow coffin stuffers?!

Now, it's safe to assume that we our all familiar with the human version of the snuggie -- a frivolous and needless invention for those of you just not quite thrilled enough by the talking bass.

(Reading seems so much better now that I'm dressed to worship a lazy, societal failure and achieve nirvana by drinking adulterated fruit punch!!!)

Indeed, the Snuggie (puked a little) says that I'm a reckless drug addict and refuse to leave the house, rather than comfort and pleasure. For my part, comfort and pleasure more often than not denote Jack Daniels and blow jobs...not donning attire that would make Morris Day and the Time Blush.

But hey, this is America--we have shoes that light up for kids and pajamas with footsies for adults so why the fuck not!

Folks, I give you the Dog Snuggie (drumroll)....

("Does anybody have Michael Vick's digits?")

While I'm not one to engage in or entertain conspiracy or any inflated paranoid theory for that matter. However, I believe this is one instance in which my rational side falls prey to such machinations. In short, I submit that the Snuggie is slowly but surely morphing into an insidious, formidable Juggernaut with the aim of controlling every American and their dog (American Canine). We'll all still be unemployed--roaming the streets--randomly sending photos of ourselves that only show 1/4 of our faces, but we'll be doing it dressed as the Dali Lama's lazy, stoner cousin who couldn't obtain enlightenment if it showed up in his bong as one hand clapping.

(This actually make me want to hug and kiss a teabagger)

President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize: GOP demands to see the Nobel Committee's Birth Certificate

When the news broke earlier that sitting American (or is it Kenyan or Indonesian?) President Barack Obama was bequeathed with the Nobel Peace Prize, I naturally assumed that Rush Limbaugh's head would explode and the republican party would be stuck with a gargantuan body instead of a party head. Moreover, I instinctively knew that the blogosphere would be buzzing with more republican and conservative invective than democrat or liberal encomium.


Am I really that prescient or do Republicans really hate Barack Obama that much they would put breathing oxygen in abeyance in order to vituperatively criticize President Obama? Hmmmm....

"This fully exposes the illusion that is Barack Obama,"
said conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh . "And with this 'award' the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to not do the surge in Afghanistan, not take action against Iran and its nuclear program and to basically continue his intentions to emasculate the United States... They love a weakened, neutered U.S and this is their way of promoting that concept. I think God has a great sense of humor, too."

Oh Rush, did you run out of Oxycontin refills again?

While us rational Americans have grown accustomed to the bile invective spewed daily from Mr. Limbaugh more effortlessly than potato chip crumbs, some republicans decided that Rush Limbaugh is just too understanding and flirted with invective of their very own.

Eric Erickson of the ever-so enlightening Red State.com had these encouraging words to say,"did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota." I believe Eric followed up by saying African Americans are America's dancingist rape folk while in black face.

Knee-jerk vitriol and racist commentary notwithstanding, the award is baffling some on the left as well.

Michael Mooore, for example, offered his congratulations but boldly declared action as well.

"Congratulations President Obama on the Nobel Peace Prize--Now earn it!" 'Freedom can not be delivered from the front seat of someone else's Humvee. You have to end our involvement in Afghanistan now. If you don't, you'll have no choice but to return the prize to Oslo.'

Indeed, Obama may have made lofty pronouncements such as closing Guantanamo, bringing the troops home from Iraq, want a nuclear weapon-free world, admitting to the Iranians that we overthrew their democratically-elected president in 1953, etc. But he has yet to follow through on those pronouncements with concrete action and, worse yet, is risking escalating a lost cause in Afghanistan by extending outstretched and vitiated troops in a purposeless battle.

Don't believe me, just click here to read about the growing numbers of troops suffering from PTSD.

I realize that President Obama is looking to make up for the fact that Afghanistan and the 'just war' was abandoned by the ruthless Bush Administration to pursue a petty vendetta in Iraq and make billions of dollars in no-bid contracts for their cronies, but 6 years have passed since troops were shifted away from that conflict and the situation has grown increasingly dire for our troops to win. After all, the primary objective for going into Afghanistan was to kill and capture Bin Laden and his key associates, disrupt their vast terror network, and prevent Afghanistan from becoming another hotbed for terrorism.

Has blowback and the situation in Iraq taught us anything?

We are not there to police a nation beset by tribalism and internal conflicts and expect to train a miserably incompetent army at the aegis of a corrupt government. Moreover, an army in which ultimately joins the Taleban anyway

Barack Obama winning the Noble peace prize--something that not even he expected--is certainly momentous and naturally is being lauded by the sane world. But is imperative that we do not allow ourselves to get stuck in the warm and fuzzy clouds of this achievement as we did immediately following the election of Barack Obama. We must ensure that President Obama does in fact earn this prestigious prize.

Megan Fox has an opinion on something so you must care

So the glycerined, tawdry, dog-shit for brains, vapid, one-dimensional flash in the pan tart takes a page inextricably ripped from the play book of the Anti-Obama morons and compares hackneyed director Michael Bay to Hitler. Apparently she was also mean to gaffers. Being in the field of entertainment, I am inclined to immediately support the unflagging efforts and sweat put in by Film and Tv crews...so my bias is transparent. I think its mostly due to the fact that celebrities are fucking morons who can neither read or write. But if there is an actor deserving an opprobrium from a crew, it's Christian Bale.

And I must say that comparing her intellect to rocks is a major affront to rocks.

I had the dubious honor of catching a glimpse of an utterly campy horror movie set to the Myspace era she's in that looks unequivocally craptastic. I know America simply cannot get enough of barely clothed, underage white girls, but there has got to be a statute of limitations on this one. The film is called Jennifer's Body, although it's safe to assume it's Megan's body you are watching. She thought she was going to be the next Angelina Jolie, but it looks like she's going to be the next Denise Richards. Pretty face with very little range, depth, and acting skill. I cannot wait for her next project--a leaked drug-and-booze soaked sex tape.

Military Privatization Gone Wild vol 2: Now with More Poop

Is Hillary Clinton Secretary of State or Paris Hilton? It looks like Just War Theory and the "Good Iraq" just got stripped and eaten potato chips on. According to Reuters, it seems the state department just allocated another $180 million to the private firm. Man, just think of all the prostitutes these morbidly obese, criminally retarded, gun-touting, incestuous demon spawn can get with that scratch. The deranged, bacchanalian behavior exhibited by members of the Afghan American Embassy security contractor ArmorGroup make the soldiers at Abu Grab look like war heroes.

(Defusing Roadside Improvised Bombs and keeping the Taliban at bay really causes a hankering for some beer drinking out of each others unwashed, soiled anuses)

Indeed, our national economy may still be mirred in a recession with the potential for a "double-dip", but the "who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market is booming and growing each and every day.

Bod Dylan Stopped by Cops: Voice of yesterdays generation is barely reticent to today's generation

(Associated Press) Rock legend Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey shore community when a resident called to report someone wandering around the neighborhood.

Dylan was in Long Branch, a not so glamorous area is you're a true denizen of the Joisey shore, on July 23 as part of a tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp that was to play at a baseball stadium in nearby Lakewood.

A 24-year-old police officer apparently was unaware of who Dylan is and asked him for identification, Long Branch business administrator Howard Woolley said Friday.

"I don't think she was familiar with his entire
body of work," Woolley said.

The incident began at 5 p.m. when a resident said a man was wandering around a low-income, predominantly minority neighborhood several blocks from the oceanfront looking at houses.

The police officer drove up to Dylan, who was wearing a blue jacket, and asked him his name. According to Woolley, the following exchange ensued:

"What is your name, sir?" the officer asked.

"Bob Dylan," Dylan said.


Okay, when you see a confused looking white guy roaming aimlessly in that neck of the woods, he is either a waterfront developer or Bob Dylan. Being blithely unaware of the personification of spoken word and blues is one thing, but to not recognize his fucking voice is like bringing in James Earl Jones. Well, we don't educate our youth; we just prepare them for white-collar crime and a non-existent workforce.


What am I saying–the way Bob Dylan looks these days the coppers probably thought he was just some deranged drifter from Asbury, or just some leather purse with dilated pupils.

Cop says to Dylan: ‘Okay grandpa, we’ll take you to the Ocean Palace to see Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Norman Mailer staying at the Ocean Place Resort and Spa.'

If anything, this contretemps should produce a "Pot Summit" between Dylan and the officers.

Cluck U America! Cash for Cluckers

While state-run GM is successfully convincing America's socially backward, unread shittards that trading in their aging, antediluvian gaz-guzzlers for brand spanking new ones will spawn future growth (in debt collection that is), PETA--the naked Eva Mendes org--is capitalizing on the wildly popular government program with one of its own.

Cash for cluckers is aimed at helping the environment by convincing America to abstain from partaking in one of its favorite activities next to race baiting--filling their mammoth gullets with dead chicken carcass coated with that ever-so natural and organic high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil batter. The idea is to get America's fattest and dumbest to abstain from supporting an industry that produces more greenhouse gasses than all the SUVs, cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined...and that's just before it's digested!

The program offers a $1 rebate to non vegetarians who purchase vegetarian "chicken" products. Yeah! So after taking out a mortgage to pay for the vegan products, I get to spend another 44 cents to mail in my receipt and they give me a dollar for a whopping net gain of 54 cents ! This sounds vaguely familiar to some heartfelt but ultimatley futile program

"Driving a fuel-efficient car is a step in the right direction, but to be truly 'green,' it's best to adopt a vegetarian diet," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "We hope that 'Cash for Cluckers' provides the stimulus and the inspiration people need to make the switch to a healthy, humane, and Earth-friendly vegetarian diet."

Now that is something with which I can get on board, assuming they throw in a naked celebrity wrapped in soy and feature a dancing, cartoonish soy bean.

Fox cancels Family Guy Episode

In typical fashion, 20th Century Fox gave Seth MacFarlane the green light only to rip out the fuse last minute. Apparently a cartoon fetus has just as much right to live. After all, the Family Guy episode may offend the incredibly rational, thoughtful, caring, insightful Glen Beck Fox viewer

The repeal of the Fairness Doctrine proudly gave us Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, but draws the line when it comes to a fictional cartoon.

(Dora the Explorer is an illegal alien lesbian looking to steal your jobs!!)

Please excuse my coarse language, but fuck the Cult of the child! The day parents in America monitor their children's TV/Internet viewing habits is the day I find the lost continent of Atlantis beneath my septic system. In brief, Political Correctness is a hall monitor on steroids that leaves no room for compromise and perpetuates an irrational, unthinking attitude towards anything under the sun, or should I say gaseous orange American.

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit,writes Bill Maher

Editor's Note:

Here is a scintillating piece written by Bill Maher that brilliantly encapsulates he inherent evils in making decidedly noble things, like health care, unrecognizably ignoble by attaching the almighty dollar to them. Now I would love nothing more than to have a wonky policy discussion on some key problems with health care in this country, from too much overhead, litigation, and dollar spent per capita, but I firmly believe that citizens of a developed democratic country should have the fucking right to live--though right-wing nutbolts like Giuliani, who whore themselves out to the insurance companies, love to equate your right to breathe with your right to watch television. Hey, at least he has extended his political vocabulary beyond "9/11!, 9/11!, 9/11!"

Let it be known that I firmly believe in making medicine not-or-profit and returning the decision-making to the guys/gals who went to prominent medical schools, as opposed to people who went to school for two weeks at the University of Phoenix. ENJOY!

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit

Bill Maher

How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money.

The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are. Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves ­-- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.

Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason --­ who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population ­-- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.

Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."

But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.

And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.

But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.

Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.

When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.

And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!

President Obama Rally for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

President Obama Stumps for NJ Governor Corzine at PNC Arts Center

Thursday, July 18th 2009

3:15 pm-- Members of the press passing out in a massive, seemingly endless line into the center, and its not on the account of President Obama but the scorching heat. Audacity of Hope? More like the Audacity of Heat Stroke

3:20 pm-- I just made it through the security check and I didn't even have to take off my shoes...Yes we can!

(These guys are famed for their witty sense of humor)

3:24 pm-- Finally made my way down to the press pool seating area. In retrospect, I probably would've have sat in the blogger section, but then I'd be on the side of the Garden State Parkway.

3:30 pm-- Some state senator approaches the podium and addresses the throngs of exuberant Obamaniacs and their one Corzine fan. She touts and panegyrizes the achievements and accomplishments of Governor Corzine. Yeah, how's about addressing the fact that NJ received more than 17 billion dollars in Federal Stimulus money and yet no free bottled water in sub-Saharan heat.

3:32 pm-- Much to the pleasure of the ultra-partisan crowd, State Senator begins to equate Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for governor, to president Bush. Not surprisingly, the crowd erupted in a raucous of boos. I think Bush is about as popular with the general electorate as flesh eating bacteria

3:36 pm-- Oh my, there appears to be a full-scale chorus singing. The chorus sang mellifluously and were very impassioned, but I fear I was much too much to distracted by the plethora of awkward white guy dancing. Clearly the black part of Obama would be put to shame.

3:45 pm-- Whose Congressman's leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here!

3:46 pm-- Still no Obama or that other guy whom one person came to see.

4:00 pm-- NJ Governor Corzine just made his way up the stage and to the podium and announces that he's a Gay American. But seriously, Governor Corzine begins to address the enthusiastic crowd. What, too hot for sweater vests?

(The geeky, unpopular kid reassures his boisterous guests that the special celebrity he hired will be appearing shortly)

4:02 pm-- Oh my, this man really needs to touch Obama because he has the charisma of a week's old meatloaf. If he isn't the Art Garfunkel to Obama's Paul Simon...

4:05 pm-- The topic of health care--the wheezing 800 pound gorilla in the emergency room--was broached.

4:08 pm-- Governor Corzine panders to his most ardent supporters by playing up his support for unions and working class New Jerseyians.

4:12 pm-- Governor Corzine announces the arrival of his good friend, Hillary Clinton. But seriously, President Obama has arrived!

(Riding the Coattails anyone?)

4:13 pm-- I think I just lost 80 percent of my hearing.

4:14 pm-- President Obama begins to address the sweltering but ebullient crowd of thousands.

4:15 pm-- I don't care one iota if President Obama has back peddled on some of his campaign promises, belied some of his most vehement campaign rhetoric, and sheepishly kowtowed to the banks because he is adorable! He's like puppy's breath and new car scent all put in one! But seriously, President Obama exudes confidence and is highly commanding.

4:16 pm-- Oh no he didn't! I believe President Obama just handed Corzine his coat jacket. I guess Corzine is doing his laundry now.

4:18 pm-- President Obama wastes no time in emphatically declaring Governor Corzine a crucial ally who had helped develop the national economic recovery plan, saving countless jobs, while working wonders on education and health insurance and still cutting the size of state government

(This was once the guy who refused to wear a flag lapel pin, only to appear in front of Rudy Giuliani's pool cover.)

4:20 pm-- President Obama seems very ensnared in his presidential campaign rhetoric and almost forgets that he got the job back in November. His tone is just as fiery and forceful as it was on the stump. Clearly Obama feels most comfortable in this arena than he does in the oval office.

4:25 pm-- Health Care reform is explained no just in terms of the nation as a whole, but to the great many Small business owners suffering from soaring costs here in NJ.


4:30pm-- Enough with all of this trivial health care reform! I want to know why the president hates flys and yellow mustard!!


4:36-- After lauding Governor Corzine for his own efforts in fixing health care, President Obama took this golden opportunity to highlight his own prescription for a workable and affordable health plan. In fact, President Obama took off the gloves and confronted the most vociferous republican and conservative democrat opponents of his health plan by loudly declaring "What's your Plan?!" Kudos!

"What's your Plan?!" ~ President Obama

4:40 PM-- President Obama concludes his 25 minute speech by reaffirming his support for Governor Corzine and thanks the crowd.

Walter Cronkite dead at 92

Legendary newscaster Walter Cronkite was reported dead at the age of 92. Mr. Cronkite was the apotheosis of quality, authoritative news reporting and oozed gravitas and integrity with every newscast. Although he hadn't delivered a newscast in nearly three decades, Walter Cronkite set the gold standard for serious, no nonsense hard news. In a simpler time with only three networks (the big 3), Walter Cronkite was omnipresent and took his relationship with the public incredibly seriously. Covering some of the most extraordinary happenings in our nation's history; i.e., WWII, JFK, and Vietnam, Walter Cronkite was the singular voice presided over some of the most momentous events. And unlike today's 24 hour corporate-owned and ratings obsessed infotainment media, Walter Cronkite's foremost responsibility was always to inform the public….not to talk down to it, incite it, exploit it, entertain it, or sell it to greedy advertisers.

RIP Mr. Cronkite!

Mike Huckabee Back on the SUV Wagon

Folksy, former fat ass governor of Arkansas and 2008 GOP Primary Pimp, Mike Huckabee, spring boarded (used with reinforced steel) to political fame after dropping a couple thousand pounds on some weird and bizarre regimen, which I believe they call diet-and-exercise.

However, it seems as though the Huckster has traded his corny joke book and acoustic guitar for a palate of Twinkies as he says he is falling off the wagon

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.” ~Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee is beginning to realize that being thin is so liberal elitist, and if he stands a chance against Rush Limbaugh in the race for whacked out Conservative standard-bearer, he is going to have return to his former corpulent self.

(Barbershop Quartet or Cracker-Barrel Waiters? And this is the guy who denies gravity? Smile and say backwoods, morbidly obese, clod hopping church fanatics!! )

Why I hate some (all) Vegans

Is it just me or are Vegans annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots that tout the writings of deceased annoying, insufferable, sanctimonious, irrational, pretentious, humorless eco-zealots. I have never encountered one I didn't want to impale with a hyperdermic phalanx. Not only do some of their radical, loony, eco-terrorist actions compel me to eat baby cows, but they make me want to slaughter them as well. Moreover, I tend to think that if animals had the ability to reason, they would prefer to be devoured at a rodeo or whipped at a circus than have to endure a nanosecond of being in the company of Vegans. For my part, the majority of Vegans just strike me as angsty, rich white teenagers– upset and brooding in their domiciles– because daddy wouldn't let them go to a Radiohead concert.

In short, I have nothing but complete and utter contempt and disdain for their useless existences. Nothing screams rational political discourse and effective PR quite like t-shirts for children that feature rabbits with their eyes burned out. Even though I occasionally eat meat when its convenient to do so, I'm an educated, animal friendly environmentalist and agree wholeheartedly that the mass production and consumption of meat and meat by-products is destructive to both the environment and the national health (IE, high insurance premiums to treat heart disease and morbid obesity).

But venicen is just so god dam
mouth-watering

--Enter PETA

Okay, in the hopes of avoiding those pesky and embarrassing straw man and ad hominem fallacies, I will desperately attempt to voice my distaste for PETA without succumbing to such insipid epithets as "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals". I will readily admit that they do go work. I would probably have to pay a fee in order to view a naked Eva Mendes.

But seriously, since its inception PETA has indeed helped otherwise helpless animals escape the inexorable sad fate allotted to their non-moral standing status. But then they negate a thousand good deeds by being bat-shit crazy in their behaviour. For example, PETA most recently demonstrated that it has the heart of America's massive, thriving Ahimsa Jainist citizenry in mind when they protested President Obama going all Daniel LaRusso on a fly during a interview.

The ironic thing is that if it flew on Joe Biden, the fly would probably just
kill itself

How can we trust this man is truly for hope and change when he has the gall to so callously take away the wondrous and prosperous life of a fly as though it were, um, a fly?

So while I agree they have done SOME good work--albeit in the shittiest bedside manner imaginable-- their aggressive campaigns have put people off to their cause as opposed to attracted them.

But getting back to the primary targets of this diatribe...

Assuming I ever do overcome my intractable Omni-dilemma and assuage my seemingly innate penchant for red meat and chicken, I'm gong to call myself a herbivore. You know, kind of like how rational voters call themselves Libertarians.

Obama signs anti-smoking Bill into law

President Obama recently signed into law a sweeping new power to limit nicotine in the cigarettes that kill nearly a half-million people a year, and to drastically curtail ads that glorify tobacco and to ban flavored products aimed at spreading the habit to young people.

President Obama, a smoker himself (his lungs are apparently too black to be president)struggling wto quit, gladly signed the bill and celebrated by lighting up a flavor full stick of, um, Arugula?

(This cigarette contains hope)

Here's a breakdown of the law:



•Creates a tobacco control center within the FDA and gives the FDA authority to regulate the content, marketing and sale of tobacco products to protect public health.


Becasue the FDA proved so capabale and compentent in regulating dog food, meat, pork, and every single pharmaceutcial in the driking water supply, so why should they be any less competent in regulating tobacco.



.•Requires tobacco companies and importers to reveal all product ingredients and seek FDA approval for any new tobacco products.


Wait, you're telling me these things don't contain fairy dust and puppy's breath? I'd take my chances with a crisp, cool unfiltered Camel than anything served in fast-food restaurants.



•Allows the FDA to change tobacco product content to protect the public health.


The most effective and very much needed law to protect the public health would be to ban Glen Beck



•Bans the use of flavors, including candies and fruit flavors, in tobacco products.


I'm sure they would think differently if they ever sucked down the glorious medley of flavors in a Bubblegum Light



•Strengthens warning labels.


Here's a working label: "We, the federal government, are a Leviathan. We know what's best for you and we want to inhibit your adult, individual choice and encroach upon your unalienable right to hack incessantly behing a dumpster in the dead of winter. We are totally cool with collecting whopping revenues, though, and arbitraily rasing the sin tax whenever we cannot balance the budget. We so vehemently don't want you to smoke that we need you to smoke so we can adequately fund SCHIP."


•Bars the use of expressions such as "light, "mild" or "low" that give the impression that a tobacco product poses less of a health risk and limit the amount of nicotine and tar in cigarettes.


Okay, ultra lights and lights are tantamount to former president Bush's Clear Skies Act and environmentally-friendly drilling. In other wards, if you smoke said products with the belief that you are somehow making a less lethal choice, then you deserve lung cancer. The bigger issue, of course, is smokers will obviously smoke MORE if the FDA reduces the amount of nicotine in a cigarette tobacco.



Now, while I hate believing anything that reflects the thinking far right-wing nutjobs, I still must say that the government cannot protect me from me. Moreover, no single person can make someone quit-- not by capricious rules, not nanny-state interference, and not by not by taxes. In short, it is incumbent upon the individual to consider his/her flouresecent yellow teeth, shortness of breath, and dwindling funds to make the bold and brave decision to quit. fuck it! Just purchase them overseas from Russia or Moldova.


Let's call this law and its supporters in Congress what it really is, a cynical pr stunt for morally righteous politicians to feel good about themselves while still gladly taking in revenues from the tobacco industry.

Palin seriously prepares for 2012 Presidential Run by attacking Late-Nite host

Taking time away from her hectic and substantive schedule of creating future meth addicts, smiling for the camera, shooting endangered species, and raiding the RNC's war chest on Neiman Marcus clothes that convey Avon saleswoman gravitas gosh darn it, Sarah Palin vented against funny man David Lettermen for having the unmitigated audacity of presenting a satirical item written by one his "Top Ten List" WGA staffers.

Among the typical melange of relatively good-natured jabs, one item on the list apparently proved so "unmavericky" and policy-driven that it provoked a dyspeptic response from Palin herself....

"What a commentary there," Palin said of the comment during an
interview on conservative host John Ziegler's Los Angeles-based radio show. "That's pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman."

As you know, failing to see the glaringly obvious in nearly every aspect of politics and culture is the mantra of the GOP; therefore, it isn't especially shocking that Palin failed to see the relevance in topical comedy shows poking fun at whomever is in the news.

The bigger story (apparently right-wing nut jobs killing innocent people is so cliche) is over Lettermen poking fun at her ultra-loose daughter Bristol.

Oh Sarah! Since you perpetually keep yourself in the news, constantly reminding us that we came within a broken hip of having Bible Spice behind the red button, you're more fair game than wolves. We should be ever-so grateful to Lettermen, for reminding the miserably uninformed that intelligent Americans can't allow a barely literate extremist to speak for real Americans.

I will conclude by saying I am a topical comedian; therefore, I'm absolutely barred from making funny yet pointed and smart commentaries as well as silly jabs abut any public figure in the news. I feel that I must apologize to Bush and his cabinet for steering our country into the garbage barge over the last 8 years. Never mind the fact that many GOP comedians made lewd and hurtful remarks about Bill Clinton getting a BJ or that Palin, an obvious farce of a candidate that even ice fishing Eskimos in Greenland can attest, that has thrusted herself and her family into the public realm. More important, never mind the fact that Palin built her entire sideshow of a political career out of cutthroat backstabbing and shameless gossip, or flagrantly mocked the work of Martin Luther King and Gandhi at the Republican National Convention. Please accept my apology, Sarah.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

The primary election kick-off commenced with the customary formalities: hordes of supporters and their cheery children, smiling and dancing with unrestrained excitement about their ineligibility to vote; swaths of aging, broad-shouldered union workers donning more pins and buttons than a waitress at Fridays; devoted staffers and selfless volunteers; and all the movers and shakers, while only comprising a scintilla of the audience, could make one phone call and have the entire crowd bulldozed over and tax audited for the remainder of their adult lives.

Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.

Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer, eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes little Governor Bobby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided. But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

Corzine for Governor kicks off with Vice President Joe Biden

The primary election kick-off commenced with the customary formalities: hordes of supporters and their cheery children, smiling and dancing with unrestrained excitement about their ineligibility to vote; swaths of aging, broad-shouldered union workers donning more pins and buttons than a waitress at Fridays; devoted staffers and selfless volunteers; and all the movers and shakers, while only comprising a scintilla of the audience, could make one phone call and have the entire crowd bulldozed over and tax audited for the remainder of their adult lives.
Oh, but wait…event staff are hurling Corzine t-shirts into the stands. I nearly forgot that American-style electoral politics was akin to halftime at a NY Rangers game Evidently, shooting Joe Biden hair plugs proved too risky.


Enter Joe Biden--

Vice-President Joe Biden removed the swine-flu mask (unfortunately) and immediately began to address the very confined crowd with exuberance and vigor, beginning with the soaring economic crisis (IE, laissez-faire shitstorm)that has been ravaging the lives of New Jerseyians. With the gusto and working-class sensibilities for which the verbose Veep is famous, Joe Biden emphasized the importance of making a new economy and at the same time underscored the disastrous Republican policies that have plagued (poisoned and left for dead) the country for the last eight years. And to the skeptics and undecided needing compelling reasons and affirmative issues to cement their support for re-electing the incumbent governor
Governor Corzine, Joe Biden had the following words…

“Jon Corzine is not just a Governor, he’s
America’s Governor”

I’m guessing that means he drives a Hummer,
eats freedom fries, loves NASCAR and hockey moms all while balancing the budget. The one fucking time where vice-president Joe Biden should’ve been loquacious and overly descriptive, he instead makes a terse, elementary bromide that makes littlen Governor Booby Jindal look like Demosthenes. I kid, of course.

While I would’ve appreciated more decisive and descriptive rhetoric on how the Republican gubernatorial candidate Christopher Christie, whom happens to have one of the stupidest names since Dick Army, is majorly out of step with NJ voters; I.e., a woman's right to choose, gun control, tax issues, etc. However, I suppose it would be too premature considering that the event took place just as the outcome of the Republican primary was being decided.
But as far as political theater goes, Vice-president Joe Biden was most certainly an A-list principal in a big budget production.

North Korea seriously misunderstands Memorial Day

I woke up this memorial day to news abounding on North Korea’s provocative missile launch and I must say, could we please give North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il what he really wants: a Hollywood movie deal. It would be refreshing to see the pariah leader make a two-hour bomb as opposed to a short-range one. Maybe even convince Judd Apatow to produce and Seth Rogan to star in, Super Juche.

The international community condemned the missile launch. Well, Russia actually expressed concern. Really, concern? I believe you express concern when one falls down or bumps their head, not when a dictatorial leader launches a missile. There are some that construe the launch as a direct message to Washington, which has devoted much of its focus to dealing with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Last year, a lot of people from Seoul and Washington visited Pyongyang telling Kim and his people that once Obama was in the White House, the U.S. was going to be a totally different entity to deal with," said Lee Dong-bok, a senior associate in Seoul for the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS). Adding,"but it's not working out that way. That's the reason North Korea is acting in such an erratic manner. "

("Just in case you forgot, I am still here and even a bigger dick than before. Now who is down for a round of strip missile launch?")

Michael Steele pulls back calling the Democratic Party the democratic socialist party.

Occasional politician and RNC spokesman by day and hip-hop legend by night, Michael Steele recently issued a memo opposing the renaming of the republican party because it would "accomplish little than to give the media and our opponents the opportunity to mischaracterize Republicans."

Mischaracterize the party of fiscally irresponsible, manichean, dogmatic, trollish authoritarian, jingoistic, war and fear mongering, bigoted bible thumping, socially and culturally backward, queer bashing, global warming denying, eco-anarchist, AK-47 touting Limbaughts?? We certainly wouldn't want to put a negative spin on that. Finding a pragmatic and sound solution to the massive global economic crisis invidiously sabotaging the economic well-being of every American through reasoned debate and consensus-building is, quite seemingly, out of the question. Who has the time for such frivilous matters when the republican sub-committee on a national security is still trying to reach a decision on whether Dijion mustard on burgers constitutes treason.

Earth to Earth Day

One Swine Day

The country was put into consternation over the weekend with reports of 40 instances of Swine Flu in America, with Mexico, the illness’s country of origin, reporting 149 deaths.

("Move over lettuce, peanuts, spinach, peppers, mad cows and slightly irritated cows, SARS and Paris Hilton, Monkey Pox, South American Beetles, and infected birds...there’s a new slippery slope de jure in town being convienenly airlifted to your dinner table.")

Swine flu is a respiratory disease, caused by influenza type A which infects pigs and listeners of Rush Limbaugh. It has hither/to not normally infected humans, but the latest form visibly does, and can be spread from person to person - probably through coughing and sneezing.

("Does that mean I gots to calls my health guy when I sneeze pork grinds")

Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose. Much like the seasonal version of the flu, the "swine" version is readily manageable by getting an RX for Tamiflu and Relenza from your walking blue pad. Of course the drug must be administered early in order to be effective.

The flu is a mutagenic disease and therefore will always poise a threat prevented, so lets please stop the post 9/11 hysteria and think rationally about what is preventable. For example, government oversight and strict regulation of agri-business. For eight solid years the bush Administration severely weakened and diluted every single environmental and biological safeguard on the books in order to maximize corporate profits. In addition to altering a section of the Endangered Species Act to allow oil drilling and other infrastructure projects to move forward on federal lands without consulting biological habitat experts, allowing the Department of Labor to propose a rule that would weaken how the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) calculate on-the-job risk, the Bush Administration gave a bigger gift to biotech industry when they weakened oversight of genetically engineered crops. Hell, it’s a widely known fact that Bin laden devours Arugula lettuce and anyone who doesn’t red meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner supports terrorism.

And while the welfare of the public and maximization of optimal health is a fundamental touchstone of a robust democracy, it is even greater that Joe Blow practice preventive medicine. You cannot turn on the nightly news without being inudanated with commercials of Americans farting, belching, and bellowing

(But the talking picture box said that we can eat a burger the size of Jupiter only if we take Nexium so bring out the NASA-sized grille!!")

The very nature of those commercials is to superficially conceal the symptoms as your health deteriorates o as to maintain the pharmaceutical industries iron grip on the status quo of healthcare. Hey, it’s not like I don’t indulge in these otherwise deleterious activities on occasion, but I’m just saying that a lot of us do it blindly and think that it’s perfectly okay.

My exchange with Twentieth Century Fox

So last month I was told by the legal team at a new media site that my well-recieved contest entry was flagged due to copyrighted material. Basically, I used the charater images from Family guy to bring life to my voiceover impersonations. Well, after repeatedly being told to go fuck myself by pretend lawyers, I decided to reach out to the devil himself at Twentieth Century Fox. And let me just say that the devil is much more prompt and punctual then pretend lawyers, but I suppose that is just how pretend hell works. Anyway, I am including the freshly faxed letter I just received from one of Fox's minions.

Thank you for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("Fox"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials. Because this decision was made based upon internal, and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration. Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647.

Thank you for your interest in licensing Fox material and good luck with your project.

Sincerely,
Andy Bandit

Now as someone who rather enjoys editing,allow me to me clean up some of those pesky typo-s.

Fuck You for your request dated April 2, 2009 regarding licensing material from Twentieth Century Fox, a division of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation ("The Second Death Star"). Fox has reviewed your request and does not approve the use of any Fox copyrighted materials, including Michael J. Fox and Matthew Fox. Because this decision was made based upon internal (a.k.a, a super computer with a laugh track), and thus confidential Fox policy, we are not at liberty to discuss the details of the decision. Please rest assured that your request was given serious and thoughtful consideration; in fact, it was given just as much thoughtful consideration as the writing for "Til Death". Please fax any future requests to (310) 369-4647. Fuck you for your interest in licensing Fox material and take your little insignificant project and shove it up your little insignificant ass.

Regulation? Fuget about it!

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AIG and Angry Bob

I'll readily admit that I would sooner see Dysentery coupled with Cherry Garcia before Angry Bob and AIG, but in today's hysterical times the line between reality and fiction is so unbelievably blurred that you need Dr. Manhattan's superior vision in order to see it. The fallout from Wall Streets risky business and rapacious greed has brought the country, its elected officials, and evens its comedians to their knees; consequently, making AIG (Annuities in Guano)and its odious, ever-so vacuous gaggle of henchmen about as popular with the American taxpayer as Audit Tuesday. Whenever tragedy and idiocy strike at the heart (assuming we didn't sell it to China) and soul (assuming we didn't sell it to Saudi Arabia) of the American polity, comedians have always raced to the occasion as the white knights of satire who are armed only with sarcasm. Of course today’s comedian is a d-student, foulmouthed, unoriginal frat boy/sonority girl, catapulting to fame with their phenomenally hackneyed and breathtakingly insipid observations that make Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian seem like Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon. However, one brave mordant mastodon with more wit than chins proved that sharp-edged satire is more relevant and even more sorely needed now than ever before.

Instead of focusing on the 163 billion in monies that snakes on private planes misappropriated in given away willy nilly to Henry Paulson's old chums at Goldman Sachs, certain individuals in the sexy, downloadable realm of new journalism (individuals who wikipedia J-School) would rather you misdirect your populist outrage and shoot the merry messenger. It seems as though Jason Jinkins, a reporter with the Huffington Post, posted an article entitled "CNN CALLER SAYS AIG EXECS SHOULD BE SHOT" – where he took what Angry Bob said in jest as something sincere, failing to see the painfully obvious humor behind it, not to mention the fact that Angry Bob has been billed as a COMEDIAN on Rick Sanchez's program on CNN. Moreover, the man's first name is freakin’ Angry! So either he's a COMEDIAN or his parents never referred to the Big Book of Baby Names, but I am going to have to go with the former for 1000, Alex. Worse yet, the hack with a high speed connection has completely and utterly silenced Angry Bob from offering an explanation and even flagging all of his comments on the blog itself. Not even the E isengruppen Nazi Germany death squad could silence Angry Bob, so I am really curious to see how some talentless, humorless amateur with a Mac Air plans to do so. Im short, I am downright appalled to see the Huffington Post– one of the last vestiges of informed debate and unbiased reporting–besmirch Angry Bob by doing the very thing it so vehemently lambasts– twisting the facts and turning non stories into news.

Bill Maher's Ode to Government

If the past eight years haven't convinced you that government under a ruthless cabal of oligarchs and plutocrats, forever beholden to the pertrowhores, defense skanks, and wall street hustlers probably DOESNT have the will of the people in mind when they consign your children's children's children to a life of debt and zero prosperity, then you should probably ask your doctor if thorzine is right for you.

Prior to eight years of Hee-Haw and Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life, I used to be of the argument that government was a living, breathing Leviathan that needed to be kept as minimal as possible. Fast forward to the present, the economy is deeply mired in a recession that Republicans largely helped create, home values are declining, credit is drying up, and the only Americans with stable employment all work at the unemployment office.

Enter Bill Maher

Watch comedian Bill Maher as he brilliantly points out republicans hypocrisy and idiocy in response to President Obama's stuimulus and budget package.

The Stimulus Package and Republicans Hypocrisy

Despite stiff opposition (or is it opposition from stiffs) from Senate and House Republicans, the $787bn stimulus package passed and was just signed by President Obama (love writing that) earlier today. Now, the entire GOP vehemently opposed this package on grounds that it was loaded with unnecessary spending on pet projects, resulting in many changes to accommodate them. I will readily admit that there were some expensive and unnecessary spending provisions in the original bill. But I would be criminally insane to believe republicans posturing when they ordered vast amounts of spending on pork back in 2005.

With a little research and a lot of red bull, I was able to find some unrelated details on then House majority leader Tom Delay and his fellow Republicans history of diverting federal monies to ridiculous special projects in order to ensure re-election.

$25,000 to study Mariachi music in Nevada (To be fair, Mariachi is known to improve a golf swing.)

$1.5 million for an Alaskan bus stop with heated sidewalks and electronic signs(To pick up a guy and his caribou?)

$75,000 set aside for the Paper Industry International Hall of Fame in Appleton, Wisconsin( that's 75,000 dollars for something that ulitmtaely winds up in Dick Cheney's shredder.)

$100,000 for a film festival in Rochester, New York.(Since when does a Republican appropriate money for something of aesthetic value?)

$50 million for an indoor rainforest in Iowa.(I guess they figured "we already slashed the original one..." )

$18,000 for a smoking booth at a private New Jersey airport.(Okay, this one actually makes sense [insert smoker's cough].)

$200,000 for a peanut festival in Alabama(for all those herds of elephants in Alabama, perhaps?)

$200 million to build a bridge from Ketchikan, Alaska to a nearby island with 50 inhabitants better known as "the bridge to nowhere".(Apparently, constructing a bridge that connects RNC Headquarters to the Cayman Islands proved to be too costly.)

Obama Press Conference Answers Three Grade-Levels Higher Than Bush's First

Considering that the discourse of politicians, the coverage of the MSM, and the attention span of the public reach a combined level of an autistic puppy, I was enormously shocked to see that George Bush--a man who speaks like a drunk paraplegic walks on ice--scored at a 7th grade level on his first press conference and that Obama scored only three grades higher than him. Either this blogger's Word software was developed by Karl Rove or we are all seriously misunderestimating the man who cannot pronouce nuclear. Check out the results below taken from Mark Nickolas's blog at political base

(Obama's Results)

(Bush's Results)

The Wasilla Hillbillies

Posted on 01/18/2009

According to Gawker, a barely literate MySpace message was left regarding Sarah Palin snubbing the family of Levi Johnston, the burly, dewey-eyed simpleton who knocked up Bristol, because apparently they're "white trash." Pardon the cliche, but that is like the pot calling the kettle cheap, tawdry garbage.

The message was supposedly left by Mercede Johnston, Levi's 18-year-old sister, on the page of Mellissa Wilfong, a former Wasilla resident who now lives in Florida, to tell her about an upcoming trip to Orlando, according to Gawker.

I have seen Pollock paintings that were less chaotic than the grammatically bankrupt writing of Mercede, whom I’m guessing is best friends with Lexu. I swear the inhabitants of Wasilla are descendants of H.G Wells’s fictional Eloi.

Get dangerously drunk and read the message below

If you're abstaining from alcohol, then here is a translation courtesy of Gawker:

"Levi is in a bit of a haze right now... Umm, I'm not allowed to see my nephew and my mom isn't either. We aren't Palins so therefore we are white trash and Bristol doesn't want her baby around us. So mom and I are really upset over it. I just hope Levi pulls his head out of his butt and lets us see our nephew and her grandbaby."

Phelps Caught with pot: Scheduled to endorse Cheetos

800 billion surplus died in the Senate? Nope. Our newly anointed African American president assassinated? Not nearly as important. The horrific news that is sure to shock and terrify our nation's people for decades to come is the news that Michael Phelps, an Olympic hero, was caught hitting a bong or "cannabis pipe" as the ridiculously pc media called it. Big..fucking...deal! Now, if you were to tell me that he was found felching a twelve year old orphan with down syndrome, I still probably wouldn't give a shit; but I would at least be shocked if the media used 'Felch' in the headline.

(Looks more like a penis pump than the pot smokers all time favorite apparatus)

So the archetype for Ben Stiller's lovable character Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder has engaged in act in which 30 percent of college students aged 18-25 in the year 2008 have engaged in.

Our merciless laws and complete and utter irrational attitude toward the plant that provided us with the soundtrack to our weddings intimidated this sheepish star of the pool so much that he was forced to apologize in a manner befitting a Nazi war criminal.

"I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again," said Phelps.

Well, according to NORML, nearly 47 percent of Americans have acted youthful at least once in their lifetime. And as Norman Kent, a Fort Lauderdale lawyer and board member of NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, scoffed: ``More people died last year from eating spinach than smoking pot.

Obviously, I am not positing that reckless and irresponsible usage of this ever-so magical plant (try it and you just might find god) isn't inherently possible; however, I am flat out saying that Michael Phelps, despite being regarded as some fucking Atlas with fins, is in fact a 23 year old and should be treated as such. Now can we please go back to the latest real celebrity with a meth addiction